How My Brother Ruined My Life
by Boofeh
Summary: Roxas was just your regular antisocial, cynical, bi-curious teenager with an immature, irresponsible and insane older brother. That was until he met a few people with crazy hair colours and even crazier morals. Poor Roxas.
1. My Life

As much as I really hate to blame my misfortunes on others, I have to say that this one was all my brother's fault. Yep. The only thing I had to do with it was that I was there at the time.

Now my brother is sleeping on my bedroom floor, snoring like a broken truck. The luminous numbers of the alarm clock on my bedside table reads 3 A.M; I am curled up on my bed, huddled under the blankets with only a torch to fend off the darkness and a notebook and pen to record my brother's epic failure of a life. Because I am going to, and when he's fifty I will read parts of this out at his birthday party to remind everyone just how fucking stupid he was when he was eighteen. Or if he ever finds a woman who will put up with him or gay marriage is legalized in this country, I will read parts of out at his wedding reception; hopefully destroying his married life as a result. Revenge sure is sweet.

My brother's name is Cloud, and he is two years older than me. He's pretty tall, and he's pretty hot. Even I, his younger brother, admit it, as much as it grosses me out. Cloud graduated from the local high school for juvenile delinquents about three months ago with a C+ average and a lot of complaints about how he disrupted all of his classes and how he never handed in assignments on time. I'm actually surprised he passed. Cloud is more brawn than brains, you see. Once he tried shoplifting, just to impress his friends, and made it out of the local convenience store with a stack of cheese. I didn't have the heart to inform him he'd just taken off with a handful of free dairy samples.

In the unlikely event someone reading this gives a shit about me, my name is Roxas and I am seventeen. My mother says that I am cynical. And that's about it, really.

So, enough of the pointless introductions, back to getting at my brother. In a nutshell, Cloud's failure has ruined his life, almost ruined mine and practically destroyed our parent's marriage. I'm not going to spoil a good story by summing it up, hell no; I'm going to drag this sweet torture out for as long as I can. Hopefully by the time I finish reading this out to Cloud it will have sunk into his thick skull that he fucked up big time, but he's pretty stupid so that could take a while. As a result, this is going to be pretty long. Sit down, get comfortable – you aren't going _anywhere_.

It started about two weeks ago, exactly a week before my seventeenth birthday. Yes, it began only a few weeks ago. That's just how much Cloud fucked up – He turned my world upside down in a matter of weeks. Incredible. Anyway, my epic tale of destruction begins when I sat down to have dinner with my family, three weeks ago. We were having steak, and as I recall, it was a Tuesday night and I was reading a textbook book about Ancient Egypt over my glass of water. Mum and Dad were discussing the news, and Cloud was just being his idiotic self. Everything was fine and normal, until Cloud stood up. Yeah, he actually stood up. What the hell, I know.

"I'm moving out" He said suddenly.

We all looked up at him blankly.

"I'm going to rent a flat in the city with Leon."

I rolled my eyes and went back to my textbook, while Mum and Dad stared at him as if his nose had just fallen clean off his face.

I hardly need to explain, but I will. Leon was Cloud's boyfriend, whom our parents didn't approve of. I actually kind of liked Leon – Leon had half a head on his shoulders, and he was the only person capable of convincing Cloud that jumping out of a fifth-story window to squash someone below would be a bad idea. Leon had little to no sense of humour, which is why I liked him so much – no crappy would-be jokes from him. He wasn't good with words, so he kept his mouth shut most of the time (Added bonus, really) but if he had to voice his opinion on something he was generally well-informed and sensible.

I never liked the thought of Cloud living alone – What if he accidentally locked himself into his car and couldn't get out? - But the idea of Leon taking care of him instead of me sounded pretty good. Leon actually understood that cars lock from the inside, you see.

Besides – Leon happened to know quite a bit about Ancient Egypt and was always happy to help me study before a test.

Mum and Dad, however, were in total denial of my brother's retardation. They didn't listen to me when I said the reason Cloud had gouged a great big hole in his thigh was to get an unwanted mole off, and they refused to believe that he had smashed the largest, most expensive window in the house by ditching a brick through it to kill a grasshopper that was sitting on the other side of the glass. When you really sit down and consider it, you have to wonder if stupidity is genetic. Anyway, back to Leon. I'll bag my family out later.

I never cared enough to find out why my parents didn't like Leon, but I suspected it was that they were both slightly homophobic. These days it's a pretty well-known fact that they both hate gays with a passion. But for all their homophobia, they're still pretty good parents and they couldn't make themselves hate Cloud for being gay. I was pretty ignorant of their inner turmoil at the time, though it was a secret I came to know pretty well with time. Back then, I never thought it was my problem – the conflict was between my parents, Cloud and Leon, and I only saw Leon after school on Wednesdays.

"Sit down, Cloud." Dad said quietly.

Cloud sat down slowly, uncertainly. His face was totally blank.

Dad placed his knife and fork down gently on either side of his plate. He slowly pulled his elbows up to the table and rested his chin on his hands, eyes down on his half-eaten steak, obviously thinking deeply. His wrinkles cast long shadows across his face making him seem older and more tired than he really was. The silence was deafening.

Dad's a funny one like that. When he's really mad he gets all quiet, but he's usually a pretty loud and cheerful guy. Mum's the opposite – She's the quiet, calm and rational one, but when she loses it you need to run for cover. She threw a chair at me when I was six because I'd ripped the head off Cloud's Action Man figurine.

When I noticed just how silent things at the table had gotten, I glanced up over the top of my textbook, waiting for the storm to hit. Gleefully, might I add? I never get sick of listening to my parents get mad at Cloud.

While Dad sat and festered away, Mum put her two cents in. She was still reasonably calm, but I could tell from her forceful tone and pink cheeks that she was really mad.

"If you move in with _that boy_" She spat distastefully "You will be disowned."

"He's not a boy, he's a man!" Cloud said defiantly in protest. "Nineteen in three weeks!"

I snorted from behind my book "You'd know all about Leon being a man, wouldn't you, Cloud?"

Cloud and Mum both glared at me simultaneously, their piercing blue eyes shooting knives at me.

I shut up pretty quickly.

"Cloud," Dad said quietly, but it caught everyone's attention "you are an adult now, and able to make your own decisions. If you move out, your mother and I will support you."

Mum opened her mouth to protest, but Dad held up a hand to silence her.

"However, if you chose to move in with Leon, we will not give you any financial aid."

Cloud paused for a moment. I believe he was trying to think what 'financial aid' meant. After a few seconds, I could see something on his face had clicked, and he smiled daringly at our father.

"That's fine. I don't need your money."

I just rolled my eyes and went back to reading about Seth, the God of death. Like hell Cloud wouldn't try to scab cash off our parents – Cloud was born to scab cash from them. It was, essentially, what he did for a living. He didn't have a job, and he sure as hell didn't do any chores to earn pocket money, because he figured pocket money was childish. For once, I actually have to agree, but I wouldn't mind Cloud actually getting off his butt and doing the dishes instead of sitting around the house all day and doing nothing at all – as he usually did.

Looking back to that meal that finished in complete silence, I wish I'd had some deep philosophical revelations, about how this would be the last totally normal dinner I would have with my family, or how I somehow just knew that it would all go wrong, or even something remotely worthwhile or intelligent – even the hole in the atmosphere or Ancient Egypt. Hell, I'd have been happy to have completed mathematical problems in my head that night. I just wish that I had been thinking about other things that night, but as it were, I was thinking about doing the one thing that, unknowingly, would fuck my life up completely.

_I need to talk to Leon._

-x-

Leon was where he usually was at 3:15 PM on a Wednesday afternoon, which was bent over the grill at the local Mc Donald's, flipping patties.

Words cannot even begin to describe just how pathetic the whole scene was, really. Eighteen, finished with education and your major source of income is working the grill at Maccas. Fortunately, however, Leon is cut out for more than just flipping patties, but he ended up here through a series of unfortunate events that were sort of his fault. It's a long story, and I don't know all of it, but apparently Leon was kicked out of his parents' house when he was fourteen for growing cannabis in his bedroom cupboard and flogging it off behind nightclubs in the dead of the night. They were pretty pissed that he wasn't giving them a share of the profit he made, so when he refused to cough up some cash, he was booted out.

I don't know if it's true, but Leon says he never smoked any of it – he just grew it and sold it. However, when he was kicked out of home his plants didn't go with him, so he ended up living in our cellar for a few months. I'm pretty sure the mattress he slept on is still down there. Anyway, during those few months he worked his fingers to the bone (He never mentioned what he did, however, but I'm suspecting more illegal activity) so he could afford his own place. After a while, he rented a flat in the outer city with a friend. I've never been to Leon's new place and I've never met his flatmate, but after some of the stories I've heard I'm not sure if I want to know. So when it all comes down to it, I guess flipping patties at Mc Donald's is just his day job.

And how do I know Leon works the grill at Mc Donald's on Wednesday afternoons? Quite simple really – I work the grill next to him.

I pulled a pair of rubber gloves out of the dispenser on the wall and slipped them on as I fired up the gas burner on the grill. Glancing over at Leon, he looked pretty normal. Eyes had deep shadows beneath them, frown fixed firmly in place, hair was so messed up not even a hairnet could contain it… Yep. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Once I had gotten the plate hot enough and chucked a few raw patties onto it, I turned to Leon.

"So Cloud is moving in with you." I stated flatly. There was no sense in asking questions, because Leon wouldn't answer them.

Leon grunted.

"When's he moving in?"

"Dunno." Leon grunted again.

How useful.

"Who else lives with you?"

Leon shrugged. For an alarming second I thought he didn't remember who his flatmate was, but then he grunted "Riku."

"Riku… who?" I racked my brains. Riku was a pretty common name, and I knew about three, but I seriously doubted I knew the one who lived with Leon. The three I knew were all younger than me and they all lived with their parents.

Leon thought for a second. "He's about this high" He gestured to a level at about his chin, which was a good head taller than me "He has long, silver hair, really girly lookin'."

I frowned as I tried to remember something "I think I met him once or twice. Wasn't he that guy who came around sometimes when you lived at my house?"

Leon nodded, turning back to the grill "That's the one."

I turned back to my grill and flipped over a few patties, not giving Riku a second thought. So, Leon and Cloud hadn't confirmed the date Cloud would be moving in. Interesting.

"So whose idea was it for Cloud to move in?" I pondered aloud as I flipped a patty.

"His." Leon said as he flicked a patty onto a bun.

I didn't say anything else. Questions buzzed about in my head, such as did this Riku know about the move and was there a particular reason behind the sudden move, but I kept quiet. Leon wouldn't have answered them anyway – I might as well have asked the patty I was flipping for all the response I'd get.

But after fifteen minutes of silence, my curiosity got the better of me.

"Do you want Cloud to move in?"

Leon slowly scraped a patty from the grill. "Sure I do."

I frowned. "He didn't force you into anything?"

Leon chuckled. His first sign of higher brain function that day. "He sure did."

I sensed a hidden meaning behind that chuckle, so I didn't pry. I didn't really want to know if my brother had raped his boyfriend or anything. Uh, the mental images!

"Cloud mentioned something." Leon muttered after a moment's silence. "You were going to help him move his stuff."

I almost dropped a patty on the floor. "He said that?" I blew air out of my cheeks in irritation. "I only found out he was moving last night, and he's already trying to get me to cart his shit across the city?" Angrily, I slapped the meat onto the grill, causing some boiling oil to flick up onto my arm. I winced and rubbed at my stinging flesh. "Only Cloud."

Leon shrugged. "He has his reasons."

I arched my eyebrows. "So he had a reason for stealing that car when he forgot that he had parked his three spaces away?"

He chuckled again. "That was pretty funny."

I rolled my eyes. "It wasn't so funny when he got a criminal record and spent the night in police custody."

Leon nodded soberly. "Well-"

"_Get back to work!"_

I jumped at the sudden shriek, but Leon just smiled. The manager, Larxene, marched over and reeled off an impressive lecture about earning our crappy pay checks and working solidly equals working silently. I managed to tune her out after a little while, and Leon and I flipped patties in a silent alliance for the rest of my shift.

-x-

My bedroom is something of a sanctuary to me. It's my own kingdom, my own little world, where I am the only living thing. The single bed in the corner attests to that – there is only room for one person here. My desk sits in front of the window, so I can look out on the street while I do homework and the like, and the small bookshelf overflowing with my favourite books sits next to it. The books are portals to other worlds – when I sit down to read a good novel, I'm not Roxas in my bedroom anymore, but Frodo in Middle Earth, Harry Potter in Hogwarts or Dorothy in Oz. Novels are a great way to escape cruel reality and go to a place where good always wins over evil.

But books aren't very comfortable to read on a wooden chair, so an old, squishy armchair sits in the corner opposite to my bed. I only have a few posters on the walls – mostly of pretty scenery or promotional posters for my favourite movies, which I get from the local video store.

I like my room, and I like it best when I'm the only person to appreciate it. So when Cloud walked in after dinner that night, I was slightly pissed off that he had invaded my personal space.

"So you wanted my help?"

I inspected my fingernails airily as Cloud tapped the door frame with the toe of his shoe.

"How'd you know what I was going to ask?" He grinned at me. "Have you been reading fortune cookies or something?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're thinking of Tarot cards, but no. I talked to Leon at work today and he said you wanted me to help you."

Cloud stepped into my bedroom and fingered at the curled corner of a poster. "That Leon. He's so straightforward."

I nodded silently, calmly composing sharp insults to dish out later.

"So you're going to help me?"

I dropped my pencil onto my forgotten homework and spun around in my chair. "Do I have a choice in the matter?"

Cloud flashed his pearly white teeth at me. "No."

I sighed and ran my hand through my cowlick. Fucking Cloud.

"Fine. When are you moving out?"

"Today."

I almost fell out of my chair.

"You're moving _today_?" I gasped, clutching at the chair so I wouldn't fall. "But it's like eight PM!"

Cloud smiled like the idiot he was. "Well, I want to get out of this dump as soon as I can, so I figured I'd get you to move most of my shit over there today and then move the rest of it tomorrow."

I went and saw a school counsellor once after I threw a fit and flipped my desk over in class, and she told me that sometimes I can get very angry very quickly. She helped me recognize the warning signs – the first one is when I clench my fists really tightly. Then I grit my teeth. Then I can feel the anger rising in my chest, and I start to breathe heavily. The final sign of a total freak out is when I start to shout and break stuff.

When Cloud finished speaking, my fists were clenched. Then, before I could remind myself to breathe slowly and deeply, my teeth were starting to hurt from gritting them. Then I could hear myself inhaling through my nose, and feel myself stand up. That's when I knew I was gone.

Before I even knew what I was doing, my chair was lying on the floor, Cloud's nose was bleeding and my knuckles were swollen. Then my throat was burning as I screeched at him. I don't remember exactly what I said but this is the basic idea of it:

"_Oh, scornful brother! Pitiful man! Why hast thou promised my services to your fool's errand when thou art quite knowledgeable as to my attendance at school ev'ry morning? You are a shameful fool! I quite plainly refuse to assist thou in this unhappy hour."_

Okay, so I didn't say it quite like that. There was a lot of swearing and insults, and I think I actually made up a few insults in the process. Ever called someone a "Shit-faced arse-licking son of a fucking whore"?

I don't think so.

At some point Dad heard us yelling at each other and broke us apart, banishing Cloud to his room and confining me to mine. Once Cloud was gone I calmed down pretty quickly, so Dad didn't book me an appointment to see the school counsellor the next morning. I sat in my room for the rest of the evening, staring blankly at my textbook, trying to remember what I was supposed to be studying. When that got boring I played my PlayStation in the living room for a few hours.

When midnight rolled around I switched off the TV and got into my pyjamas. Padding silently down the hall I paused in front of Cloud's room and peered through the slightly ajar doorway.

Cloud was sitting on his bed, talking quietly on his mobile phone. All around him were boxes, his stuff roughly packed into them. I wondered if he would be leaving right then, but then he hung up and flopped onto his bed and I knew he wasn't going anywhere that night.

I crept into my room, sat on my bed and started to clip my toenails, wondering if I should apologize to Cloud before he left in the morning. But then the weariness hit me like a truck and I could barely put the nail clipper away and pull the covers over my before I passed out. When I woke up, Cloud was gone.

-x-

**Fangirl's Rambles****: A few years ago I wrote a very, very short story from Roxas' perspective about being at his older brother's party and feeling very young and out-of-the-loop. That story is now gone but its legacy lives on through my next large project, **_**How My Brother Ruined My Life.**_

**I started on this chapter back in the early months of 2009 but lost my drive after the third page. I've been writing on and off ever since and though the complete story has almost reached fifty pages I'm not quite done with it. Unfortunately I know where I want the story to go but I always lose interest for a while after typing a page or two. I really like this story though as it shows some improvement from my last multi-chapter work **_**Rewind**_** and is actually kind of funny. I've debated long and hard whether or not to post it before I've finished with it, but in reality I need to post it now or I never will.**

**So please, reviews are what I need to get this baby up and running. Do you like it? Why/why not? What do you want to see more or less of? Even just a few words of encouragement would make me one very happy little girl.**

**Peace out, my lovely readers. Don't mind the dust on my account.**

**Edit – Changed a tiny, minor detail that will be crucial to the story in later chapters. Good luck finding it. ;)**


	2. My Family

The next time I saw Cloud was almost two days later. Moving his copious amounts of crap took him a lot longer without my organization, but somehow he managed to do all of his moving about while I was at school and our parents were at work. When we got home each afternoon the house was a mess, but there was no Cloud to yell at as we cleaned it up. I might have missed him if it weren't for the mess he made when I wasn't there, actually. I just wished that he'd leave the house for good.

I got my wish, in an odd, backward kind of way.

It was Day Four of Cloud's big move, and I was settling down to enjoy my time as an only child, when a car pulled up in the driveway while the parentals and I were eating dinner. I got up and peeked out through a chink in the curtains just in time to see Cloud step out of a blue car and bash his head against the doorframe.

"It's Cloud." I announced dully as Cloud's cursing leaked through the window.

Mum smiled and went to the door, but Dad continued to eat his meal in silence, alone at the head of the table. I sat down and started to eat too as the sounds of Mum and Cloud greeting each other bounced off the walls.

"Baby!"

"Hey, Mum."

"Ahh, come and give me a cuddle and a kiss. How are you, darling?"

"Ugh, not in front of my friend-"

"Oh, hello there! Cloud didn't mention he had a friend with him."

"Uh, yeah. Hi there." A new, deep voice joined in the conversation. I guessed the speaker was a male of about Cloud's age.

"Welcome to our home!"

"Mum-"

"Thanks, missus, uhh..."

"Now we're having dinner at the moment, so please excuse us. Would you like anything to eat?"

"Heh, no thank-"

"Drink?"

"No than-"

"Would you like anything at all?"

"I'm fine."

"You sure? "

"Mum, leave him alone."

"Well pardon me for trying to cater to your guest. And why haven't you returned any of my calls?"

Cloud's friend laughed.

"Well, I've been busy moving all of my stuff."

"Pssh, it shouldn't take two whole days to move everything of yours, Cloud. You're just being lazy."

"I'm sorry, Mum! But at least I came to dinner today, right?"

"Aw, that's fine, love. You look thin! Come and have some dinner with us. Both of you."

"Actually, I was just dropping Cloud off-"

"Nonsense! I'm sure we have something for you."

"No really, it's fine."

Mum waltzed into the dining room, grinning like a maniac with one arm around Cloud and the other around his friend. I had a bit of pasta half way to my mouth, but I forgot about my food when I saw Cloud's friend and it fell back onto my plate.

Cloud's friend was _gorgeous._ Until that moment I was certain that I was straight as a ruler, but when I saw Cloud's friend my guts churned and my face burned red, which had never happened when I met any girl for the first time, no matter how hot she was. I was actually glad that the blood was rushing to my face and not somewhere else, because that would have made the situation even more awkward than it already was.

Cloud's friend looked like a male model. His face was square, but his jaw wasn't too heavy or too light. He had long, silver hair that fell past his shoulders and over his eyes, which were a strange shade of bright greeny-blue. Against Cloud he looked rather short and thin, but I could tell that he was about a head taller than me and his biceps were probably thicker than my thighs. Even though he wore an uncomfortable smile on his face as my mother dragged him along, I still remember thinking that he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, or something else sappy like that.

I shoved my head down and started to scoff my pasta to hide the fact that I had been staring at the guy with my mouth wide open. Mum stuffed Cloud down into his old seat across from me, and she sat the hottie into the spare seat next to me, disappearing into the kitchen to get them a bowl of pasta each. I squirmed a little, trying to make the blush die down from my face as I looked at him.

He caught my eye and smiled awkwardly, nodding his head slightly. My stomach did a back flip, but I somehow managed to acknowledge him politely without embarrassing myself any further.

"Forgive me for not asking before, but what's your name?" Mum laughed at Cloud's friend as she emerged, placing a large bowl of steaming pasta in front of him. If one thing made her happy, it was catering for guests. Mum was, as she often put it, 'The hostess with the mostest'.

"Riku."

I felt something click.

"So you're Leon's flatmate?" I mumbled, fiddling with my spoon.

Riku's eyebrows quirked humorously as he smiled again. "I used to be the one and only."

For some reason, the silly little quip seemed like the funniest thing I had ever heard, and I snorted into my dinner. Mum glared at me as Dad and Cloud chuckled without mirth, the way that is polite when someone says something that isn't really meant to be funny. I sipped from my glass of water quietly. Riku picked at his pasta.

"So Cloud's going to be living with you too?" Dad asked casually. Riku nodded.

"I hope he doesn't steal your toothbrush too." I said quickly, feeling the nerves in my chest ripple as Riku's head swivelled to face me "He always stole mine."

Mum and Dad laughed. Cloud glared. Riku looked a little alarmed. I dropped my gaze back down to my pasta. Way to fuck that up.

Mum tried to make casual conversation with Riku as we ate, but Riku's responses were just as enlightening as Leon's, and soon an uneasy silence fell over the table. After a minute or so, Riku reached underneath the table to scratch at his knee, when his hand accidentally brushed against my leg. Instinctively, we both shied away as if we had been burned, but I only felt a warm tingle slowly spread across my flesh from where he had touched me. I squeezed my eyes shut as it reached my crotch, and tried to think of disgusting things such as gangrene, sweaty plumber cracks or even boogers, but none of the images came from my emergency stockpile of gross things. Instead, I imagined Riku's hand back on my thigh.

It slowly, carefully trailed along my flesh, raising goosebumps as it went. His fingernails raked lightly against the fabric of my shorts, lifting them slightly, but eventually passing over. The long, pale fingers slowly prodded at my lap, exploring the folds of my shirt and my pants, ignoring the growing heat underneath the cloth. I almost gasped aloud as the imaginary hand brushed over my very real, very warm crotch.

My eyes snapped open. Cloud and Mum, who were sitting across from me, were eating in silence, eyes on their food. At the head of the table sat Dad, who was doing likewise. Next to me, Riku picked uneasily at his food, glancing around the room. He was plainly unaware that he had almost given me a boner in front of my parents by accidentally touching my knee.

I stood up, mumbling something about not feeling well. Mum watched me with concern as I dumped my remaining pasta in Cloud's bowl and disappeared into the kitchen. I dropped the bowl into the sink and turned the tap on, flicking some cold water onto my face, feeling the heat ebb away with each beat of my pulse. I wiped the water away with my sleeve as I sighed. That had been just too close.

I turned to the fridge and started rummaging around for a snack for later as I wondered just what was up with that guy. Why the hell had I reacted to him like that? It wasn't like I hadn't run into prettyboys before. I tucked a half-eaten packet of MnMs into my pocket as I sighed. Maybe Cloud's gayness was rubbing off on me. Turning to leave, I spotted Riku standing in the doorway. Instantly, I heated up. I'd guessed right that he was a head taller than me, and that standing next to Cloud had made him look bad, but I hadn't guessed just how amazing he looked by himself.

Before I could mumble anything incoherent at the guy, Riku himself went a little pink, cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Listen, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable before." He tried to chuckle "I didn't mean to touch your leg; I was just trying to scratch my knee."

I tried to smile and shrug, ignoring the blush as it spread across my face. "You didn't make me uncomfortable, really. I'm just not feeling too good today. That's all." I lied.

Riku's eyebrow quirked in a way that told me he didn't believe me. "I was just concerned." He sighed and flicked at his long fringe "I just want you to know that I wasn't trying to feel you up or anything."

I bit down the urge to ask him to feel me up. Seriously, what the hell was up with me? Instead, I just chuckled.

"It's cool. I'm actually kind of used to guys feeling each other up all the time, because I've lived with Cloud all of my life." We both laughed a genuine laugh, and I felt the ice crack and break. Riku smiled sincerely as I shrugged and continued "So don't worry, you didn't bother me that much."

"Okay. Just making sure."

I racked my brains for something else to say. I wanted to keep talking to Riku alone, as he didn't really seem to enjoy too much company and I wanted to get to know him a little better (And possibly spend more time gawking at him like a lovesick schoolgirl), but Riku saved the situation.

"Cloud told me you'd help him move his stuff, but I never saw you around." Riku leaned casually against the bench behind him.

I rolled my eyes mockingly. "I chose not to help him because he was trying to treat me like a slave. I want to see his new place though."

Riku smiled. "That sounds like Cloud. I set up half his room for him yesterday."

I laughed, even though it really wasn't that funny.

"So how long have you known Cloud?"

Riku shrugged. "I think we first met when he and Leon hooked up, and I've known Leon forever." He looked at me through his fringe "No offense, but your brother is kind of an idiot."

"None taken. I knew that long before you did."

We both laughed again. I couldn't help but smile when I noticed how well things were going. Bonding over how much of an idiot Cloud was wasn't my idea of ideal conversation, but it was better than nothing.

After the laughter died down, Riku tapped his fingers against the bench. "So your name is Roxas, isn't it?"

"Yeah, and don't pick on me because it's weird, I didn't choose it." I cautioned.

Riku chuckled. "I was going to say that I liked it. It's better than Riku, okay. I know like four of us."

"Oh, thanks." I went a little pink. "Riku isn't such a bad name, I guess. It means 'land' in Japanese."

Riku rolled his eyes. "Do I look like a rock to you? Or Japanese, for that matter?"

I had to admit, he had a point.

"So what's up with your name and your brothers?"

I laughed. This was a story I loved to tell. "Well, when my brother was born my parents were hippies. They smoked pot, wore weird clothing and named Cloud after the clouds in the sky so that he'd always be free and happy or some shit." Riku laughed, encouraging me on. "And when I was born two years later they were both going through massive withdrawals, and I suppose they were all depressive so they wanted me to have an x in my name. But they were hippies at heart, and a name like Max was just too boring for them, so Dad made up my name."

Riku smiled. "That's a cool story."

"Yeah, and I never had to go through being Roxas M at school either, because I was always the only one."

Riku rolled his eyes. "There are people who still know me as Riku G even though I dropped out of school four years ago."

I smiled and leaned against the bench next to Riku, trying to ignore the fact that we were standing closer together. "So how old does that make you?"

Riku chuckled. "Old enough to know better."

I laughed. "Well, I'm sixteen." I paused "Not for much longer, though. My birthday is in like two weeks."

"Sweet sixteen? Wow, I remember being sixteen. It seems like a long time ago though." Riku laughed, flicking at his silver fringe again. It was long and got in his eyes so badly I wondered how he could see. "Happy birthday."

I pretended to pout. "Are you seventeen?"

"Nope."

"Eighteen?"

"I wish."

"Nineteen?"

"Getting warmer."

"Twenty?"

"Bingo." Riku smiled. I looked closer and noticed the few miniscule wrinkles around his eyes that were only visible when he smiled. When his face straightened out they vanished without a trace. Knowing that Riku was older than Cloud and Leon made him seem more... distant? I felt the gap grow between us, greater than the physical two feet that was between our bodies. I'd thought eighteen was old, but twenty? Even though Riku didn't look a day over seventeen he was ancient to me.

"Huh, you don't really look twenty." I muttered. Geez, he wasn't even a teenager! I was talking to an adult, even though he didn't seem like one. It was a strange thought.

Riku glared, but I could somehow tell that he wasn't being serious. "Yeah right, I saw you looking at my wrinkles just now. For your information, you're going to have them too in a few years, and I am going to laugh at you."

I laughed and Riku joined me – I was careful not to look too closely at his face that time. Suddenly, a message tone beeped from Riku's pants. His long, thin hand burrowed into his pocket and emerged with an old, cracked mobile phone. After glancing at the screen and pressing a few buttons, Riku scowled and stuffed the ancient phone back into his pocket. He smiled apologetically to me.

"Who was that?" I asked, my annoying little brother instincts kicking in with a dangerous dose of curiosity.

"Just some guy." He groaned "He's so annoying."

"Why's that?"

Riku smiled and shook his head. "He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not interested in him. You ever get that trouble?" He gazed at me through his fringe.

I winced slightly. "Well, not really. Cloud's the gay sheep of the family." I tried to laugh. Cloud had been the gay sheep up until about fifteen minutes before. This little sheep wasn't quite sure which type of grass he liked better anymore. "Are you gay too?"

Riku shrugged. "I'm the kind of guy who goes for whoever he can get." He paused and shuddered "Well, anyone _but _Sora."

I chuckled with him, even though I didn't know who Sora was.

If only things had stayed that way.

"So what about you?" Riku nudged me with his elbow. I shrugged.

"I prefer books to people, I guess." Riku smirked, but I tried to shrug like it was no big deal "I've never had a real relationship, so I don't really know what my preferences are." Well, I had known my preferences that morning, but they sort of changed when I wasn't paying attention.

"I suppose, when you find the right person, you'll know." Riku tucked his hands into his pockets.

Riku smiled warmly, and I cringed inside. Two men standing in the kitchen talking about relationships. It can't get any gayer than that.

"I guess you're right." I tried to lighten the mood with a small joke "You're old and wise, right?"

Riku gently whacked my arm, but chuckled with me. The tension in the room eased slightly, and I relaxed. Nothing more awkward than talking to a stranger about your feelings.

Dad walked in, holding an armful of empty bowls. He smiled and nodded his head at us.

"Roxas not giving you too much trouble?" He chuckled. Riku grinned.

"Nothing I can't handle, mister."

I pulled the dishwasher open and helped Dad rinse and stack the bowls. Dad laughed and waved his hand dismissively at Riku. "Call me Sam. 'Mister' makes me feel old."

I poked him. "But you _are _old, Dad."

Dad pretended to throw his bowl at me, making me laugh. Riku chuckled awkwardly from the corner. Eventually, the bowls and spoons were stacked and Dad straightened up, clapped his hands together and grinned.

"If you need me I'm in my study. There are fishing magazines to be read." He smiled and was gone.

I rubbed the back of my head, embarrassed.

"Sorry, he's kind of weird."

Riku smiled. "It's cool. My dad's a freak too."

"I think it's like an unspoken law between fathers – they must be as embarrassing as possible."

Riku smirked. "Well, I know I couldn't wait for your dad to leave."

I frowned. I knew my dad was strange and teasing him a little was fun, but I didn't like Riku bagging him out, even if he was so pretty he made me uncomfortable. "Really? Why would you want that?"

He ignored my frown and smiled playfully. "He was getting in my way."

"Way of-? "

I was cut off by Riku's lips on mine.

My heart hammered in my chest and blood pumped around my body at a furious rate. I'd never kissed anyone before, but if they were all like that one I resolved to kiss more often. Riku's lips crushed down against mine, sending sparks flying, and began a pleasant kneading motion. His arms, which had suddenly griped at my shoulders, wrapped firmly around my neck and back, holding me close as I melted. In response I snaked my arms around his lower back, which was thinner than I first expected, and pulled his torso in to meet mine. Riku sucked on my lower lip and then my upper lip in turn, producing a series of soft squelching noises that I worried my parents would hear. But all thoughts of my parents faded as Riku's tongue pushed urgently against my lips. My knees nearly gave out beneath me as his tongue slipped into my mouth and rubbed against my own. I barely registered that he tasted of pasta and cigarette smoke. But before I could really do anything back, Riku's tongue was gone and, with a final peck to my lips, he stepped away.

"Your mother makes the best pasta."

I stood there, feeling the spit run down my chin as I gazed stupidly at Riku, who was standing with his hands in his pockets, smiling as though pleased with himself. With a casual grin and a wave, he swept out of the room.

Apparently, it _could_ get gayer.

-x-

A few hours after my 'handsome prince' suddenly swept into my life and then out again just as quickly, I was still smiling to myself. Whenever I remembered the long minutes in the kitchen I blushed and giggled like a stupid schoolgirl. I knew I was being silly, but I couldn't make myself care. I wandered around the house in a daze, walking into the kitchen again and again and giggling to myself. Nothing made a lasting impression on me – Mum had to ask me to power up the dishwasher three times before I noticed her speaking to me. But I did notice a small change - nothing seemed as horrible as it had before.

Cloud wasn't an idiot, he was endearing. Dad wasn't embarrassing, he was funny. And Ancient Egypt didn't seem as boring as it had before, but that didn't change the fact that I could barely focus on my homework. Instead I sat at my desk, staring into space and occasionally laughing to myself. I tried to think exactly why I was so happy that a total stranger had just randomly molested me with his tongue, but I really couldn't focus on anything. Instead I just enjoyed viewing my little world with my new, figurative rose coloured glasses.

And it was a good thing I did, because the strange mood didn't last very long.

I didn't notice when Cloud opened my door and called my name. Nor did I notice when he gently tugged at a strand of my hair. I only noticed him when he peeked over my shoulder, stared into my face and started to laugh. I jumped violently.

"Ugh! When did you get here?" I snapped as I leaned away from my brother.

"Oh, Roxy, I've seen that look before!" Cloud snickered and I knew I was in for it. He only called me 'Roxy' when he was teasing me because he knew I hated it. The prick.

I slapped his face away. "What look? There was no look." I grumbled, but Cloud only perked up even more.

"Oh my God, who is it? Who do you love?" He cackled and began to sing in a teasing tune. "Roxas is in lo-ve! Roxas is in lo-ve!"

"Shut up!" I shouted, my cheeks heating up dangerously.

Cloud jumped onto my bed, grinning evilly. "Is it Riku? You two were alone in the kitchen for a _really_ long time, y'know."

I went beet red. The only time Cloud was perceptive was when it was of the greatest inconvenience to me. Of course.

"It _is_ Riku! Roxas, you sure have good taste." He chortled.

"Shut up! No it isn't! I didn't even talk to him!"

There was no point in denying it, because Cloud was like a dog with a bone. He just wouldn't let it go.

"Riku's such a hottie, ey? That silver hair, those dreamy green eyes... Sometimes I think to myself 'Cloud! What are you doing with Leon when you could be with him?' but then I slap myself because Leon's really good in-"

"Shut the hell up!"

"Haha, no problem little bro. Anyway, Riku's really nice. He's a bit shy though, and he doesn't really talk to people until he's known them for a really long time. I know he only started to warm up to me a few months ago." Cloud punched my arm "He must really like you if you managed to get him alone for more than five seconds."

I sighed, giving in, deciding to tell Cloud some of the truth in the hope that he'd shut up. Of course, it wouldn't work, but I was getting desperate.

"Actually, he came in the kitchen after me."

Cloud let out a loud hoot.

"Shut up! ... And we talked for a little bit, and then he left. That's all that happened!"

Cloud rolled onto his back and looked at me, head hanging from the side of my bed. He rolled his eyes. "With Riku, talking is never all that happens."

I snorted and picked up my pencil, carving a random shape into the corner of my page. But Cloud didn't catch my 'fuck off' vibe and prodded at me some more.

"So... Is he a good kisser?"

I threw my pencil down. "Oh, just shut the hell up and get the hell out of my room." I snapped, but Cloud just laughed at me.

"Well, I was going to invite you to a housewarming party at my new place so you can see Riku again, but seeing as you're being such a jerk I don't think I will." He sniffed airily.

I just had to laugh. Cloud's attempt to bribe me into being nice was horrible. It was funny how little he knew about me. "At what point did I strike you as the party type?" I asked.

But my brother didn't miss a beat. "When you blush every time I say Riku's name."

Shit. He had me there. I coughed slightly and regained my posture.

"Well, I'm not going to your stupid little party, even if Riku is nice... and sweet... and has silky hair... and smells good..." I trailed off, my eyes unfocused as I remembered again the sweet moments in the kitchen, totally forgetting that my brother was watching me with eager eyes.

"See? You have it bad."

Cloud's voice snapped me back to reality. I wiped off my dreamy smile and replaced it with a scowl as I picked up my pencil again. "I do not."

Cloud sat up and tugged at his spiky hair. "Hey, I don't blame you. Riku is the hottest hunk of man this side of the train tracks. You and half the city totally want him." He rambled casually. I listened more intently than I meant to, and I didn't bother denying that I was different to half the city. At that point I knew that resistance and denial were futile.

"Actually, he did mention that he had some guy following him about. I don't remember what his name was though."

Cloud shuddered. "That's Sora. Craziest dude I ever met. He's completely obsessed with Riku." He paused and smiled "I don't really blame him though."

I risked a smile. This was interesting, and I wanted Cloud to tell me more, but I couldn't sound too into it because he'd just tease me again. I played it cool.

"How's he crazy?" I murmured without looking up.

My brother was too busy relaying hot gossip to notice that I was more alert than usual, which suited me fine. "Well, I think they went out a few years back, but Sora was pretty clingy and Riku was just being the man whore he is. So Riku just dumped him on his butt and was like ''Kay, have a nice life.'" He laughed and shook his head. "Totally heartless thing to do and I guess Sora thought so too, so he tried whoring around to get Riku's attention. But that didn't really work, so Sora became a total stalker and sent him a billion text messages and emails. When Riku got a new number and email address Sora started to walk past his house all the time. Then he somehow got a lock of Riku's hair and carried it around with him everywhere."

"Wow, that's creepy." I frowned. This Sora sounded like a total loser.

Cloud nodded, making an odd face. "He's fucking crazy. Then he got all up at me and Leon and said we were taking Riku from him, but he left us alone after Leon punched him out." Cloud laughed, but I was slightly stunned. What a sheltered life I had been leading.

"Eventually he broke into Riku's house while he was out. So Riku comes home with some chick and they find him on the bed in his jocks and nothing else." Cloud laughed "Talk about awkward! I think Sora still has some of the bruises from where Riku beat the shit out of him."

Yeah. Sheltered life, alright.

"So that was all about two years ago now. Sora eventually stopped the stalking when he realized that it was getting him nowhere, but he somehow got Riku's number and still sends him a heap of text messages."

I blew air out of my cheeks. "Poor Riku."

Cloud nodded somewhat grimly. "Sora is a psycho. We were pretty convinced that he was going to show up with a gun some day and kill us all and then himself. But he settled for waiting for Riku in his panties." He laughed again. "What a loser."

I forced a laugh and nodded, hoping that I'd never have to meet Sora. But the world hates me, and I met him in all his creepy glory a lot sooner than I'd expected.

-x-

**Ramble ramble ramble:**** The plus side of writing a story over a long period of time is that it's easy to track your progress as a writer. I've been over these scenes many times to try and fix it up as much as possible, but chapter two is not my favourite chapter. XD**

**Anyway, reviews are required to see this story go beyond a few more chapters. I do know where this story will ultimately end up, but I don't know how to get there, so suggestions and criticism are welcome.**


	3. My Problem

Cloud hadn't told me exactly which apartment was his, so when Mum dropped me off in the small complex in the outer central business district the next evening, I was lost for a moment. But I calmed down when I realized that all I had to do was follow the thumping music.

The door to Cloud's new place was wide open, and even though the lights were on I couldn't see anyone when I peeked in the doorway. I didn't bother knocking before I walked in because I couldn't even hear myself think over the din, let alone hear a light tap on the door. Walking in I found myself in a small corridor that led to a staircase, but I didn't climb them. Instead I turned to the left where two doorways stood. I peeked through the first one to see the kitchen and Cloud and Leon making out against the far wall.

"Hey." I called, but they couldn't hear me. "OI!" I bellowed. Cloud turned, saw me, and grinned. Leon nodded, seemingly annoyed that I had interrupted.

Cloud came over to me and shouted something, but I couldn't make out what he said. I shouted back but he made a confused face and shrugged. I rolled my eyes and walked out of the room, turning into the second doorway and finding myself in the living room. Tearing my eyes from a large flat screen TV, I passed a large sofa to the stereo unit, the music becoming so loud I had to cover my ears with both of my hands. I frantically searched for a volume knob as my eardrums screamed at me, but it had so many knobs and buttons that I couldn't figure out which was for the volume. Instead, I spotted a small power button in one corner and jabbed at it with my elbow, hands still firmly over my ears.

The relief was instantaneous, but the silence was just as deafening as the music.

Cloud wandered in and spoke, but as my head was still ringing I could barely hear him.

"What?" I shouted.

"I said I'm glad you made it." Cloud shouted back. "But you didn't have to turn the music off!"

I shrugged and as my hearing was slowly restoring itself, I called back to him a little softer than I had before. "I couldn't find a volume knob!"

Cloud shouted something else, but I paid him no attention. Behind him, framed with the doorway, was Riku. I don't really remember what he was wearing that night, but I remember that his hair seemed like a beacon of light and his eyes were a brighter green than I remembered. My heart leapt into my mouth and I stopped breathing for a moment.

"Why the hell are you two shouting?" He frowned. I grinned sheepishly.

"The music was pretty loud." I said loudly.

Riku just smiled, shaking his head. Cloud shrugged and disappeared back into the kitchen. I was alone with Riku again, and I was hell nervous.

"Well, do you want the grand tour?" He smiled and I nodded.

Riku beckoned me to follow him and left the room. I hastened to catch up. He stopped in the hallway and pointed back to the two doorways.

"Kitchen, living room."

He led me up the stairs and I noticed that the top hallway looped back around the staircase, so that a small handrail separated the walkway from the eight foot drop. There were three doors in the hallway.

Riku opened the first one to reveal a medium-sized room with a king sized bed, a closet, a desk and a small TV. There were posters of bands, naked men and cars all over the walls, and clothes were strewn over the floor. "This is Leon's room. Cloud sleeps here as well." He muttered.

I peeked about, noticing some of Cloud's stuff. I nodded, feeling awkward. Riku shut the door again without looking at me.

Behind the middle door was a spacious bathroom. On the far wall was a large mirror with two sinks in a His&Hers setup. The bench was littered with hair products, hair straighteners, hair dryers, skin creams and other beauty products as well as the basics like soap, toothpaste and brushes. I squinted and swore I could see some mascara. I fought down a laugh, turning my eyes to the simple toilet, shower cubicle and washing machine. I suppose Riku had to work hard to keep himself so pretty.

If Riku noticed my amusement he didn't say anything, but ushered me out of the bathroom and closed the door behind us. I watched his blank face with a growing feeling of concern. What happened to the cheerful Riku I'd met the day before?

The third and last door must have lead to Riku's room, but Riku was heading back for the stairs, his blank face hiding the fact that he even knew I was there. In an act of defiance, I nudged the door open with my toe and peeked in.

Riku's room was similar to Leon's in the fact that it was messy and there were posters of bands, cars and naked men and women plastered all over the walls. But the far wall was lined with a massive bookshelf which was crammed with a tonne of books. I couldn't see any of the names on the spines, but some of them looked like boring, hardcover encyclopaedias and textbooks while others were smaller, brightly-coloured paperback novels. I was tempted to go in and investigate further, but I remembered how I hated it when people went into my room and decided not to invade Riku's privacy.

I closed the door softly and followed Riku down the stairs.

By the time I'd joined him downstairs, a number of guests had arrived. Cloud and Leon were talking to a man with shocking blue hair and a mean look, and Riku was rolling his eyes at a kid who was about my height and had a bird's nest of brown hair that stuck up in every direction. I wondered how much hair gel he used to keep it that way.

Cloud turned, caught my eye and smiled warmly. "Roxas, come over here and meet Saix."

I wandered over, and Cloud threw a brotherly arm over my shoulders. The man with blue hair looked at me and I cringed – he had two massive scars that formed an X between his bright yellow eyes. His whole appearance just screamed "unnatural". Without knowing it, I instinctively pressed into Cloud's side.

"Roxas, this is Saix. Saix, this is my brother, Roxas." Cloud smiled. "Don't worry about his eyes, Roxy, they're contacts."

Saix glared at Cloud, and forced a smile at me. "Hello, Roxas." He mumbled in a deep, clear voice. "What an unusual name."

I didn't mind it when Riku made a crack at my name, but when Saix pointed it out I felt myself bristling like a dog. "My parents were hippies." I snapped. Cloud laughed and Saix smiled a little.

"Relax, little bro, Saix was only teasing." Cloud said as his hand slipped from my shoulders. For the first time in my life, I wished that he hadn't moved his arm away, because I didn't feel safe under the gaze of the man with blue hair and yellow contacts.

Between Saix, Riku and Sora, Cloud's friends were shaping up to be an odd bunch.

Saix turned and yanked at the sleeve of a tall, lanky man with a crop of flaming red hair, before engaging in a quiet conversation with Leon. The man turned and smiled, but after the shock of Saix's yellow eyes and large scars, this man's teardrop tattoos and emerald green eyes didn't startle me at all.

"Hey there." He smiled cheerfully, thrusting a gloved hand forward for me to shake. "Name's Axel."

"Like the car part?" I smiled as I shook his hand, his grip crushing mine. "I'm Roxas."

Axel laughed, ignoring the jab on his weird name. I could learn a lot from this guy. "A-X-E-L. Like the car part." He nodded.

Cloud butted in. "Axel, how's the apprenticeship coming along?"

Axel grinned at Cloud and nodded. "Really well, actually. Yesterday the boss trusted me enough to check the air pressure on the tires of a corvette. How's that for moving up the chain?" His laugh was dry and throaty, and it made me smile.

"What kind of apprenticeship are you in?" I asked.

Axel tapped the side of his head. "The only trade that would require me to check the tires of a car."

I felt a little insulted at Axel insinuating that I was stupid, but I took a leaf out of his book, pushed down the irritation and tried to smile. Picking a fight with Cloud's friends wouldn't end well, not on Cloud's turf anyway. "Mechanics?"

"Bingo." Axel grinned cheerfully, and I knew that he hadn't meant to make me feel stupid. To be honest, I thought that Axel was rather charming. I could see us getting into fights in the future with my short temper and his teasing, but I was right to assume that I'd just made a good friend.

In hindsight, meeting Axel was the only good thing about that party.

But then Riku stepped up beside me, and all thoughts of Axel flew from my head.

"Axel." Riku grinned, and punched Axel's shoulder playfully. "How have you been?"

Axel returned the punch and shrugged. "Same old, same old really."

What enlightening conversation.

Riku turned to me and smiled, and I wondered again why he had been indifferent to me before. "Roxas, I meant to show you something. Come with me."

My heart leapt at the seemingly innocent gesture, but Cloud winked at me as I followed Riku away from the chatting crowd, and I suspected that the invitation wasn't as innocent as I'd believed. As I followed the man with silver hair up the stairs, the buzz of the party died away. I briefly wondered why he hadn't shown me whatever it was the first time we were up there, but the extra trip meant I got to spend more time with Riku, so I didn't complain.

"Are the walls thick?" I asked Riku as he began to walk up the hallway. He glanced down at me and smiled.

"Yeah, thankfully. Cloud and Leon can be pretty loud when they want to be." He said as he continued on.

I wasn't sure if the comment was innocent or not, but my imagination still ran wild and I shuddered.

Riku led me to the third door, which I knew to be his bedroom, pushed it open and disappeared inside. I followed, pausing in the doorway as I looked about. As I'd noticed the first time, the room had a large bookshelf lining the back wall and posters covered every other inch of wall space, but I hadn't noticed the queen sized bed nearby, nor the desk that sat underneath the window, or even the set of hand weights that sat on it. I mentally decided to get my own hand weights so I could be muscular like Riku.

Riku himself stood in front of his bookshelf, tugging at a strand of his long hair. "Sorry for not showing you in here before, but it's kind of a mess and I don't really like people in my room."

I shrugged. "Me neither. It's cool."

Riku turned to face the bookshelf, running his long fingers across a row of books, clearly looking for a certain title. "Cloud mentioned that you like to read books, and I thought you might like this one."

He pulled a small, paperback novel down and tossed it to me. I caught it awkwardly and examined the cover, where a black wolf surrounded by chess pieces glared up at me. The title read _Lord Loss._

"What's it about?" I asked as I stared at the wolf.

"It's the first of a ten-part series, actually." Riku explained as he sat on the end of the bed. "It starts off as a nice little book about werewolves and chess and then covers the creation and eventual destruction of the universe."

My eyebrows shot up and I was tempted to start reading then and there. But I was at a party, and I was trying to look cool in front of Riku. I tucked the book under my arm and smiled.

"Can I borrow it?"

Riku smiled warmly. "That was the idea."

I nodded my thanks and made a mental note to put it somewhere I'd remember, so I could grab it when I left. But Riku just gestured to the desk. I smiled and placed the book neatly next to a 5KG hand weight, reminding myself not to forget it.

Riku stood up and crossed the room so that he was standing next to me, firmly pushing a loose poster back against the wall. "Cheap Blu-tak never keeps anything upright." He grumbled as I chuckled. He turned back to me, frowning thoughtfully. I shrank back a little, my heartbeat quickening, wondering if I'd insulted him somehow.

But Riku's gaze wasn't angry, and he smiled after a second. "Roxas, you have food on your face."

Shit! My hand flew to my jaw where I started vigorously rubbing the corners of my mouth for leftovers of my dinner. When I'd looked in the mirror prior to getting dressed I hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary, but obviously I hadn't looked hard enough. My cheeks went bright red as I noticed Riku laugh at me – He probably thought I was a complete retard.

Glaring, I pushed past him to leave the room, but Riku caught me around the shoulders and pulled me close. My hand fell from my face as I stared up at him, not daring to breathe.

"I'll get it."

And then he kissed me again.

I briefly wondered what was up with that guy as his lips crushed against mine, but all of my thoughts flew out of my head as his tongue licked at my bottom lip.

He stopped kissing me, but rested his forehead against mine. "You had stir-fry for dinner, huh? Riku breathed, his hot breath making my skin tingle. "I'm gonna have to come around for dinner more often, because your mum is the best cook ever."

Before I knew what I was doing, my hands were lacing behind the small of Riku's back and I was smirking. "I'd like that."

My head was pretty hazy that night, and I don't clearly remember what happened after that, but the next thing I can recall was Riku kissing me again, his tongue rubbing up against my own. Then I was somehow falling onto the bed and Riku was clambering on top of me.

I do remember the surge of panic rising through my chest, and I think I struggled a little bit, but Riku held me still, using his superior weight to pin my arms to my chest and my legs to the bed. With a defeated sigh, I stopped struggling and let Riku kiss me some more, his hair tickling my face.

Riku released my arms after a while, and my hands slowly made their way up his back and tangled in his long, silver hair. Riku's hands trailed down my chest as his kisses fell from my mouth and onto my neck, where he bit and licked at the soft flesh. I think I moaned slightly when I felt his cool fingertips reach under my shirt and tweak one of my nipples. Riku merely chuckled, his mouth vibrating against my neck, and I tightened my grip around his shoulders, squeezing him closer, not caring if I hurt him a little.

If sex wasn't on my mind at that stage, it certainly was when Riku grinded his hips against mine. I gasped, frozen to the spot, but Riku didn't notice and started to rock back and forth, every movement pressing the growing bulge in his pants against mine. Riku pressed a final wet kiss to my neck before straightening up and swiping his tongue against my lips. But that time I was ready, and pushed my own tongue past his teeth in the same way he had before. Teasingly, he gently bit down on my tongue.

Suddenly the door banged open, and I turned my head to see what was going on, accidentally making Riku slobber on my cheek. Cloud stood in the doorway, holding a camera. Before I could register what was going on, there was a click and a flash, and the moment was preserved in digital memory.

Riku sat up, straddling my hips, and started hurling abuse at Cloud. Normally, I'd be yelling too, making up my own insults as I went along, but I was frozen stiff with horror. My brother had caught me underneath someone I barely knew, and there was photographic evidence which he would undoubtedly use to blackmail me. I covered my face with my hands and moaned, not even bothering to wipe the saliva away. I was going to die, and very soon.

I tuned in at the end of Riku's screaming fit. "- such a cockblock!"

Cloud was calmly leaning against the door frame, twirling his camera around by the lanyard, grinning like the idiot he was.

"Well, I can't have you tainting my little brother at such a young age now, can I?" He smirked. "If you're up for it, I can think of at least three other strapping men downstairs who would gladly screw your brains out."

Riku rolled his eyes and climbed off me. I felt cold and light-headed after he moved away.

"Roxas, button up your shirt." Cloud instructed teasingly from the door, and I cowered. I hadn't even noticed Riku undoing my shirt, even though I could still feel his hands on my chest as if they had burned me. I tried to do them up again, but my hands were shaking so badly that Riku slapped them away and did the buttons up himself.

My head hung in complete shame as I stood up slowly and approached Cloud in the door way, my fists strategically placed in front of my erection. For what seemed like the first time in his life, Cloud acted like the older brother he was supposed to be and gently led me to the bathroom, asked me to clean myself up and shut the door with a gentle click behind him.

I glanced at myself in the mirror and met the sight of a train wreck. My hair was sticking up in every direction and my face was beet red and wet with saliva. I glanced down and noticed that the buttons on my shirt were placed into the wrong holes and my clothes were rumpled.

But try as I might, I couldn't ignore the flaming hickey on my neck.

I didn't want to think about anything. I didn't want to wonder why I had almost fucked my brother's roommate. I didn't want to think about the fact that I had just made out with a twenty-year-old man. I didn't want to think about how messed up the whole situation was. Instead, I just went about making myself presentable, thinking and feeling as little as possible.

I straightened out my shirt, found a comb and carefully styled my hair to look decent, washed my face clean and borrowed a black scarf I'd found in the laundry pile. I watched myself wrapping it around my neck in the mirror, making sure it hid the hickey, but knowing that it looked really out of place. But the hickey wasn't the greatest of my problems – the large lump in my pants was.

Sighing, I pulled my pants and boxers down to my knees and tried flicking cold water onto it, but it was of little use. With a groan of defeat, I borrowed a little of Riku's hand cream and some toilet paper, shut my eyes and got rid of the erection the old fashioned way.

I slunk out of the bathroom ten minutes later, my pink face to the floor. So I didn't notice Riku standing in the hallway until I ran into him.

I jumped back like I had been stung. Riku tried to chuckle carelessly, but I could tell that he was just as tense as I was. He flicked at his fringe, something I'd noticed he only did when uptight.

"Listen, Roxas, I'm sorry about before." He smiled guiltily at me. "I got a bit... worked up."

"No shit."

I tried to sound angry, but truth be told, I got worked up too. Riku wasn't the only one to blame for the royal fuckup.

But before I could say anything to apologize, Cloud wandered out of his bedroom, saw Riku and I talking and came to stand between us. He grasped my shoulder and led me down the hallway, muttering something to me. But I wasn't listening; as we began to descend the staircase, I looked up to see Riku standing alone in the hallway. But before I could do anything but feel guilt and regret, Riku turned and disappeared into his bedroom.

When we got downstairs, the main party had moved into the living room and the music was blaring once more. Cloud led me into the kitchen and gave me a packet of skittles.

"I'd give you something stronger, but you shouldn't drink when you're feeling bad." He smiled at me. I looked down at my skittles and felt tears well in my eyes. I wasn't quite sure why I was so sad, but I remember feeling like the world had just ended.

Cloud saw me sniffle and shut the kitchen door. He pulled me into a big bear hug and I started to sob quietly into his shoulder. But aliens must have replaced my brother with one who actually cared, and Cloud gently stroked my shoulder and told me that everything would be okay, and he didn't seem to mind when I got snot and tears on his nice shirt.

In the weeks that followed, I sometimes paused to wonder exactly what was up with me that night. Today, it's pretty obvious why I was crying; I felt violated. Riku had violated my space, Cloud had violated my privacy and I had violated my personal respect. But afterwards everyone was being so nice to me, and sympathy only ever serves to make me sadder. I just felt filthy.

When I'd cried myself out I washed my face in the sink and drank some water. Cloud opened the skittles and passed me one, which I reluctantly placed in my mouth. But the sugar did me wonders, and after a handful of them I didn't feel like I was made of lead anymore. By the time I'd finished the packet Cloud and I were talking and laughing like we hadn't done since we were small.

"Come on." Cloud smiled as he opened the door. "Come and meet the rest of my friends."

I followed him into the living room, feeling light hearted and even cheerful. The mood of the party was infectious, and I soon felt myself bouncing on the balls of my feet to the music. Usually, I hated hip hop, but that night I didn't mind the cheerful beat.

Cloud's brotherly love seemed to be spent for the next ten years, and he soon forgot about me in favour of Saix and Leon. I wandered about, lost in the crowd, but not really minding. I was still in shock from my encounter with Riku, but I wasn't upset anymore. I just felt lovely and numb.

I was examining the large flat screen TV, wondering how amazing it would be to play games on it, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see the brunet boy Riku had been talking to earlier that night. But now I was up close I noticed his features and not just his crazy hair. He had tanned skin, a round face and big blue eyes that made him look too young to be at the party. He was also short; I could look him in the eye, and I was well known for being vertically challenged.

The boy grinned at me, showing rows of pearly white teeth. "Hi there. I haven't seen you around before."

I nodded, smiling in return. "I guess not. I'm Cloud's brother."

The boy's eyes widened and his mouth made an O shape as it clicked. He snapped his fingers and pointed them at me. "So you're Roxas. Cloud told me about you."

"Only good things, I hope."

"Of course not."

We both laughed. Cloud had some scary friends like Riku and Saix, but this boy seemed to be really nice, like Axel. He sipped from a plastic cup that had a dark, foul-smelling liquid in it, and I asked how old he was.

"Seventeen." Came the response.

I could feel my eyebrows shoot up. "Wow, you don't look it."

The boy laughed. "Well, you look like you're about fourteen, so don't pick on me."

"I'm sixteen."

He nodded. "In that case, do you want some?" He held out his cup.

I sniffed at it, recoiling slightly. "What is it?"

"Rum and coke."

"Why not." I mumbled as I took the cup. "Thanks, umm..." I trailed off as I took a sip.

"It's Sora."

It could have been the fact that I had never tasted rum before, or the fact that I had been exchanging pleasantries with a complete psycho, or maybe it was a bit of both. But half way through swallowing the alcohol, I choked into Sora's cup.

Looking concerned, he gently rapped between my shoulder blades as I coughed and spluttered.

"Maybe you shouldn't drink rum." Sora smiled sheepishly, but shook his head when I tried to hand it back "Nah, you can keep it. No offense, but I don't want to drink your spit."

I took another sip, but managed to hold myself together as it burned my throat. "Sorry, Sora."

Sora smiled and shrugged. "Hey, no biggie. I'll go get myself another one."

He turned and left the room, leaving me alone again. But that time I had company in the form of half a cup of rum and coke, so at least I didn't look like such a Nigel-No-Friends anymore.

But my solitude was short lived when Axel strode over to me.

"Hey Roxas!" He greeted me loudly, slightly swaying on the spot. "How are you going?"

I laughed at him. Because Axel was so thin he didn't hold his alcohol very well, but he was a pretty funny drunk. He slid an arm over my shoulders, causing me to stiffen, but he paid me no heed. He leaned down to my ear, a marvellous feat for someone who was a good foot and a half taller than me, even though he spilled some of his drink.

He pointed at a blonde man who was playing cards with a man with black dreadlocks at the coffee table. "That's Luxord. He's British and a total card shark. Don't ever play strip poker with him." Axel giggled like a girl and I laughed along with him.

He pointed to the man with dreadlocks. "That's Xaldin. He's British too. Don't go near him when he has a knife in his hand." Axel shuddered and pointed to a man with sandy blonde hair who was rifling through the CD collection. "That's Demyx. He's a music whore." He pointed to a dark-haired girl nearby. "That's Xion. She _is _a whore."

Again, we both laughed, and Axel straightened up. He made a strange hand gesture to a man with spiky black hair and grunted. "I don't know who that is. Stay away from him because of stranger danger." I laughed, but stopped when I noticed that Axel was being deadly serious.

"That dude over there is Hayner." He pointed to a boy with sandy blonde hair and cool camouflage pants that I really liked. He had his arm around a pretty girl with brown hair and green eyes.

"I forget her name. Omelette?" Axel shook his head as I laughed. "Dunno. She's not important."

"Her name is Olette." Sora informed me as he approached with a new cup of rum and coke. "She's nice."

Axel saw Sora and didn't even make an attempt to mask his distaste. He rolled his eyes at me before turning to Sora. "Hey Sora, how's it hanging?"

Sora didn't pick up on the hostile vibe and sipped at his drink, smiling happily at Axel. "I'm pretty good. How're you?"

"Eh!" Axel shrugged dramatically, slopping his drink all down my front. I cursed and tried to wipe it away. Sora laughed. Axel freaked.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry Roxas! Quick, get your jacket off and I'll throw it in the wash. Gimmie that scarf too." He tugged at it. My heartbeat accelerated and I held onto it firmly. I'd almost forgotten about my hickey! No way in the world would I take the scarf off, even if it was drenched with God-knows-what.

Axel frowned and yanked at it. "Come on, Roxas, why are you wearing a scarf in spring? You must be boiling under there."

I looked at Sora for backup, but he merely shrugged. "Alcohol is a bitch to wash out once it dries. Give your scarf to Axel."

While I was distracted, Axel moved with a drunkenly deftness and unwound the scarf from my neck. Axel copped a good look at my hickey and smirked as I covered it up with my hands.

"Well now, young Roxas, who have you been necking?" He laughed teasingly. Sora peeked over my shoulder and laughed even though he couldn't see my bruised skin.

To this day, I blame the alcohol. I'd only had a few mouthfuls of rum and coke, but it was enough to give me a slight buzz and loosen my tongue. In my current sober state, I know it was probably the biggest mistake I'd made all night.

"Riku."

Axel's eyebrows shot up. "Riku G? Shit." He looked at the scarf in his hands. "You weren't wearing this earlier, were you?"

I looked over at Sora, realizing too late that I had seriously fucked up. Sora's face was growing pink, and his grip on his paper cup was tightening. We didn't say anything as rum and coke splashed on the floor.

"Stay away from Riku." Sora glared at me. "If you touch him again I'll cut your balls off!"

He turned on his heels and stomped away. Axel looked at me and smiled awkwardly.

"Don't worry about him, he's a psycho."

I was a little gobsmacked. "He... He seemed so nice."

Axel nodded with a drunken wisdom. "They all do. First the sugar, then the vinegar."

I shrugged it off and asked Axel about himself.

"What can I tell you?" Axel mused, sipping his drink. "I'm twenty-one, a Libra, ambidextrous and my blood type is O positive. I was born in Germany while my mother was on a holiday, but I've never been back and I don't really want to."

We laughed a little. I sipped at my warm drink, feeling more at ease than I had all night.

Axel poked my shoulder. "What about you?"

I shrugged. "I'm sixteen, an Aries, right-handed and one of my little toes is double jointed. I like to read books." I briefly remembered _Lord Loss_ waiting for me upstairs, but I didn't want to consider going back up there to get it.

Suddenly, Axel remembered the scarf in his hands. He placed his drink on the cabinet. "Come on, let's go wash your clothes." He grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me out of the room and up the stairs. When we got into the hallway, Axel realized why it might be a bad idea for us to go up there. I could hear Sora's muffled shouts coming from Riku's ajar doorway. I tried to drag Axel back, but he smirked at me.

"This will be fun. Come on!" He dragged me to Riku's door and we peered in through the crack.

I couldn't see Riku, but Sora was pacing between the bed and the desk, arms flailing about wildly.

"- don't even know what you see in that kid, he's a total retard! I bet the only reason you went for him was because he's my height and has the same eye colour."

Riku's voice butted in suddenly "I don't know why you're being such a pretentious prick, Sora. Roxas is a nice guy. You're just jealous."

Instead of backing down, as I expected him to do, Sora merely rolled his eyes. "Of course I'm jealous, Riku! You know you're the only one for me."

"Shame you're the last person on Earth for me." Riku spat. "How many times do we have to go over this? Get over me."

Sora stepped out of my line of sight, but I could still hear him. "You don't mean that, do you?"

"What the fuck are you- Hey! Get away from me!"

"You love me. You do. Stop denying it."

"For fuck sakes, Sora-" Sora suddenly stepped back into my line of vision, as if he'd been pushed. "What's it going to take for you to leave me alone?"

"Get him, Riku." Axel whispered next to me.

Sora clenched a hand in front of his heart. "I won't ever give up on you, Riku."

"I'll get a restraining order out on you."

Sora flinched. He pulled at the chair behind Riku's desk and sat down, his head in his hands. When he looked up, I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Oh, no." Riku sighed. He stepped into my line of vision and my breath hitched in my throat – Riku was only wearing jeans. Beside me, Axel chuckled and I hit him gently.

"Sora, don't cry."

Sora sniffed loudly. Riku lowered himself to his knees, holding the back of the chair for support. He placed one hand on Sora's knee, and Sora covered it with his own, firmly holding Riku's hand in place. Riku grimaced, but he didn't pull his hand away.

"Why don't you love me?" Sora hiccoughed.

Riku sighed. "Sora, I've known you for as long as I can remember. I do love you, I do! I just… don't love you in the way you want me to any more."

Sora leaned forward to kiss Riku, but Riku recoiled and shuffled away. Beside me, Axel chuckled loudly.

"He just doesn't take 'no' for an answer, does he?"

I elbowed him to remind him to shut up. But the damage was done; Riku's head snapped towards the door and my stomach dropped. The soap opera was over.

"Ah, shit. Run!" Axel said loudly, and we bolted. By the time we reached the stairs Riku would have emerged from the bedroom and caught sight of us, so I shoved Axel into the bathroom and slammed the door shut, locking it behind me.

Just in time, too. As soon as it closed a pair of hands banged urgently on the wood.

"Get out here, you bastard!" Yelled Sora. I heard Riku mumble something and Sora stopped banging on the door. Pressing my ear against the door, I heard the stairs creak as he rejoined the party.

With a sigh of relief, I flopped against the door and turned to glare at Axel, who was sitting on the toilet lid, lost in a fit of girly giggles.

"You're a twit." I told him, and he burst into laughter. Holding his torso tightly, he rocked back and forth as his eyes filled with tears of mirth.

With disgust, I tossed my jacket onto the washing machine for Leon or Riku to wash later, because I had no idea how to work the machine. The sticky scarf I dealt with, wrapping around my neck and pushing the loose ends into my shirt. After checking in the mirror to see that it covered up the now-purple hickey, I opened the door and ran straight into Riku.

"It was Axel's idea." I said quickly when I noticed the glare on his face. Riku softened slightly, flicking his fringe and blowing air out of his cheeks.

"Whatever." He muttered, turning to leave.

I caught his shoulder gently, and he paused but didn't look around.

"Listen, um, I'm sorry about before." I mumbled. "It was my fault too."

Riku sighed and turned back to face me. The tiny lines around his eyes deepened as he looked down at me, and I felt like curling into a ball and sinking through the floor. Riku opened his mouth, as if to say something, but thought better and closed it. He turned away and left without looking at me again.

I closed my eyes and heard a tear hit the floor with a smack.

-x-

**Antisocial geek writing about parties says:**** LOL, the party. XD And hey, look at that! Sexy tiem! That there is proof that years of reading lemons has taken their toll on my poor brain. I used to hate writing the word "kiss" but now I've moved onto **_**bigger**_** and **_**harder**_** things, hurr hurr.**

**As always, if you review I will come to your house and give you a foot rub.**


	4. My Friend

Life went on as normal. The following day I sat around at home, doing schoolwork and burying my nose into books to forget about my own problems. Even though it was a Sunday I just didn't feel like leaving the house or doing anything fun. I just stayed in my room all day, trying not to think too deeply, my mouth tasting of ash.

I was snoozing after school that Monday afternoon when Cloud slapped a red book onto my desk, causing me to jump.

"Th' fuck did you get here?" I mumbled as I sat up.

Cloud smiled. "Apparently Riku tried to lend you his book on Saturday but you bailed without it." He shrugged and sat down on my bed "So I was to give it to you next time I saw you."

I ruffled my hair, yawning. "Can we just forget about Saturday night?"

Cloud smiled, and I like to think he was deciding against teasing me. But of course, I was wrong.

"How can I forget about Saturday? You almost banged my flatmate."

I groaned and flopped back down onto the bed and threw the pillow over my head. "Leave me alone."

Cloud laughed, and I heard the door open. Assuming he'd left, I peeked out from under the pillow, but hid my face again just as quickly when I realized that Cloud hadn't left and someone else had joined us in my room.

"Go away." I mumbled, but the pillow muffled my words. Cloud and the newcomer laughed.

"That's no way to treat a guest, Roxy." Cloud teased, and for a terrifying second I thought that Riku was with him. I tore back the pillow only to sigh with relief – it was only Axel.

"Yo." Smiled the redhead "How are you feeling?"

No doubt Cloud had brought him up to speed with the situation. Cloud always liked to gossip. I blew air out of my cheeks, irritated. Cloud was the worst brother anyone could ever have. But I felt too crappy to get angry at him, which was fortunate because I wasn't sure if I wanted to freak out in front of a nice stranger like Axel. Still, I was pretty pissed.

"Like shit." I snapped. "What the hell are you guys doing in my room?"

Axel withdrew slightly, his face tight with worry of intrusion, but Cloud sat on the end of my bed and he relaxed.

"We're going to McDonalds, wanna come?" Cloud smiled.

I rolled my eyes. There were thousands of reasons why I didn't want to go with them. The first one was that I was still sleepy and I wanted more rest. Secondly, Cloud drove like a maniac and I knew it was just a matter of time before he introduced his car to the river. And finally, I didn't even like fast food. It's far too disgusting and greasy for my tastes.

Instead of bitching like the whiny prick I am, I scoffed and kept it simple.

"No."

Axel shrugged and turned to leave but Cloud just nudged me, smirking. "Today is Opposites Day – No means yes and yes means no."

Usually, I don't fall for dumb shit like that. But that day I was tired and not thinking clearly, so I rose to the bait.

"Fine then, yes, I would love to go to McDonalds with you."

"Great!"

Before I could protest, Axel had me by the left arm and Cloud had me by the right. Even though Axel was tall and thin he was pretty strong, and when I flopped like a fish between them it was to no avail. They dragged me, kicking and shouting, down the stairs, out the door and into the back seat of Cloud's car. Reluctantly, I fastened my seatbelt and settled down for a sulk.

I'm not religious, but as I watched Cloud clamber into the driver's seat and start the ignition I couldn't help but offer a quick prayer - to whatever guiding force there was out there – to ask for a safe journey. It's funny how Cloud can sometimes bring out the best in me, even when he's at his worst.

It doesn't stop me from wishing his head would explode though.

We backed out of the driveway slowly, as Cloud was never good with reversing, but once we were on the bitumen he slammed his foot down on the accelerator and the car's tyres squealed against the road in a burnout. Within seconds we were flying down the road at seventy in a forty zone.

I held onto my seat tightly as Cloud took a corner at sixty, cackling like a maniac. I tried to shout at him but I felt that if I opened my mouth I'd throw up everywhere. Axel pointed to the oncoming road in an epic pose.

"Maccas ahoy!" He shouted, and he and Cloud laughed.

"What the hell is 'Maccas'?" I shouted above the roar of the engine. Axel turned around in his seat and I realized with a shock that he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. His red eyebrows cocked at me teasingly.

"It's slang for McDonalds. In, like, Antarctica."

Although Axel was pretty, he seemed to be a few cents short of a dollar as well.

"Nobody lives on Antarctica!" I shouted, but at that moment Cloud had reached over and cranked the radio up, so nobody heard me shout. Hip hop blared through the car, and I would have clamped my hands over my ears to shut it out if they hadn't been clinging desperately to the bottom of my seat. I screwed my eyes shut and tried to think of nice things to clam me down.

Instead, the memory of Riku in nothing but jeans came to mind, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat for the rest of the journey.

Miraculously, the car screeched to a stop in the McDonalds car park, completely unharmed. I stumbled out of the car and fell to my knees.

"Land!" I cried, trying to steady myself with my arms. Axel laughed at me but Cloud aimed a light kick at my ribs.

"Come on, shithead, let's go get some food."

I clenched my gut, trying not to throw up at the thought of greasy food after a car ride like that. Axel helped me to my feet, peering at me in a concerned way.

"You're green, Roxas."

I brushed past him. "No fucking wonder." I snapped over my shoulder.

"Feisty one, isn't he?" Axel quipped to Cloud.

"What does 'feisty' mean?" Cloud responded.

I rolled my eyes and pushed through the door, making a beeline for the restrooms, turning my collar up as I went to hide my fading hickey. I didn't want any food, but I supposed Cloud would have some waiting for me when I emerged later. If not, I figured, no harm done.

McDonalds was crowded on that scorching Monday afternoon, and I couldn't see any free seats along the way to the bathroom. Shrugging slightly to myself, I went into the men's and slunk into a stall at the very back. I sat on the toilet lid and held my face in my hands, willing the nausea to go away.

For the first time in two days, the cool darkness helped me think clearly. I didn't mind when the events of that Saturday night flashed through my mind like a broken film – if anything, I relished the memories. Peeking out from between my fingers and eyeing my shoes, I realized with a rush that hooking up with Riku hadn't been such a terrible, sinful thing to do.

I was just growing up.

I remember feeling like a huge weight had just rolled off my shoulders. Being a teenager is all about finding yourself, and that was exactly what I'd been doing. I wasn't a little kid anymore; I was becoming a man with the sex drive to match. And there was nothing wrong with that – I just had to find a better way to go about discovering and exploring my sexuality. I knew wasn't going to find many answers at the back of Riku's throat, sexy as he was.

Smiling, I stood up and let myself out of the stall. I walked right past the basins and a young boy who was openly staring at me with disgust, probably assuming I'd just taken a dump without flushing _or _washing my hands. I flipped him a wink as I walked past.

_That's right, move over because this bad boy is coming through. _I mused.

As usual, my good mood was spoiled by Cloud.

When I walked out into the main restaurant area, I noticed the silence immediately. When I'd walked in to the restrooms I could barely hear myself think, but when I emerged I swear it was so quiet I'd have been able to hear a pin drop across the room. The place was still packed, but everyone was staring open-mouthed at a certain table.

On that table, slowly taking off his shirt was a grinning Cloud.

"Cloud! What the fuck are you doing?" I barked, and the spell was broken. Some of the patrons began to laugh, others pulled out their phones and snapped a picture, while others just rolled their eyes and turned back to their food.

Two burly security guards dashed over and yelled at him to get off the table, but Cloud merely flicked his shirt off and tossed it across the room. Before he could flex his muscles into what he thought were sexy poses, the security guards had him by the waist and shoulders and wenched him off the table. Cloud kicked and screeched like a little girl, but they wrestled him through the diner and shoved him out the front door.

"Three month ban!" One of the shouted as the other retrieved his shirt, which was smeared with the contents of a Big Mac and drenched in coke. The shirt was tossed out after him and the door was slammed shut.

I facepalmed. Hard. But that wasn't enough to convey my frustration, so I whacked my face against my palm again. And again.

"Stop hitting yourself, people will think you're just as crazy as him." Axel said as he materialized beside me.

I sighed. "I suppose we should go to him." I muttered as I stepped forward, but Axel caught my shoulder and held me back. I turned and he swung Cloud's car keys at me merrily.

"He can wait. I'm hungry." He smirked, and I felt myself grin too.

As Cloud and Axel had abducted me without my wallet, Axel bought me a medium McChicken meal and himself a large Quarter Pounder meal. We sat down as far away as we could from the table Cloud had danced on, which was unfortunately the one next to it. For the first few minutes we ignored curious glances from the other customers as Axel scoffed his burger and I picked at my chips.

When Axel's burger had vanished, he took a long slurp from his drink and gazed at me soberly over our food. I munched on a chip and returned the gaze.

"What?" I muttered after a while.

Axel put his elbows on the table and smiled at me. "So do you still go to school?"

I nodded, sipping my drink. "Year eleven."

Axel smiled. "I remember being in year eleven. Fun times." He tossed a chip into his mouth.

"Did you finish school?"

Axel chuckled "Surprisingly, yeah. Everyone else who got apprenticeships dropped out at the end of year ten, but I persevered all the way to year twelve and got a pretty good grade."

I smiled. Axel didn't seem like the kind to stick with school. He shook his head at me, smiling. "It's actually easier to stay in school, y'know. You don't have to worry about crazy things like tax, rent, bills and such. At school the worst you can do is fail, and even then there's a heap of teachers holding your hand the whole way."

I had to admit, he had a point.

"Still, when I was looking at further study I felt sick of learning, so I got a few jobs around town. Earlier this year was when I realized that you never stop learning, so I got a job as an apprentice mechanic." He smiled, munching on some chips. "I feel like the oldest first-year apprentice in the world, because I always work with kids your age."

"Sorry if I make you feel old, I can't help it that I'm a short arse."

We both laughed. I munched on my burger, feeling a lot better. Axel's sunny attitude was cheering me up a lot, and I didn't mind the grease on my burger as much as I thought I would.

"What do you like doing?" I asked through a mouthful of burger.

Axel shrugged. "Parties are always fun. And I like to watch movies. I used to be right into basketball, but I guess I grew out of that."

I smiled "You'd have been really good at it because you're so tall."

Axel sipped his drink. "Being a giant has its advantages sometimes. But it gets annoying when I can't find any shoes in my size." He laughed. I shrugged – my feet were tiny and I never had trouble finding shoes that fit me.

A comfortable silence stretched between us as we finished our food.

As we stood up to leave, Axel shot me a curious glance. "So, I didn't mean to sound rude or anything, but did you really hook up with Riku G?"

I tugged at my upturned collar. "Er, yeah."

Axel's gaze was sombre as we walked from the building.

"Maybe you should stay away from him, Roxas."

I frowned up at my new friend. "Why?"

Axel folded his arms, bright green eyes on the path before us. "Someone like him isn't good for someone as young as you."

Immediately, defensive irritation rose up in my chest like an angry bubble. I shot a glare at Axel.

"Shit man, I know I'm only sixteen but I'm not a baby."

Axel smirked as we walked to the car, ignoring my snap. "I know you're a big, strong teenager now, Roxas. But you're still innocent." His tone was teasing and I felt my temper rise faster.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh yeah, I'm an innocent little shit alright. Axel, I used to live with Cloud. _Cloud. _He robbed me of my innocence years ago."

We reached the car and I scanned the area for the devil himself, but I couldn't see the blonde prick anywhere. Axel sat on the bonnet and I would have protested, but I noticed the aluminium barely registered his weight. Even though Axel was tall he seemed to be very light, so I swallowed my argument.

"That's if you consider innocence as the ignorance of the birds and the bees." Axel shrugged "Real innocence is something much more secret than that."

I tapped my foot on the ground impatiently. "What the fuck are you rambling on about now?"

But Axel ignored me. He examined his fingernails, his face strangely grim. "Ever seen someone die, Roxas?"

"What?"

"Ever seen someone die?"

I paused. "Of course not."

Axel shrugged. "Case and point."

I tried to roll my eyes carelessly, but I had to admit that Axel's words rang true. Cynical as I was, I'd lead a very sheltered life up until then. Innocence was to be expected.

"So you're saying that hooking up with Riku was like seeing someone die?"

Axel laughed. I risked a grin.

Hopping down from the hood of the car, Axel straightened his shirt. "My point is that if you get in with Riku you might be signing up for more than you bargained for." He shrugged "If you want him that bad, go for him, but I suggest you find someone tamer to sharpen your claws on."

I was about to reply with a quick comeback, but Cloud's voice rang out from across the car park.

"Roxas!" He shouted. I turned, and my stomach sank through my small intestine.

Across the car park walked Cloud, holding a helium balloon, and walking alongside him was Riku himself.

"Speak of the devil and he shall appear." Axel muttered beside me. "But the devil pales in comparison to this one."

I snorted. "Yeah, right. Don't let a Christian catch you saying that."

Cloud ambled over, looking like an awkward turtle next to the grace that was Riku. I watched his silver hair flash in the sun and his muscles ripple under his skin as he walked, and although I knew I was staring like an idiot I just couldn't make myself care. Axel's warning flew right out of my head as Riku nodded at me, the tiniest of smiles on his lips. My heart felt lighter than Cloud's balloon as I returned the tiny smile.

"Where have you been, buddy?" Axel asked when Cloud was within earshot "And what's up with the balloon?"

Cloud smiled and shrugged. "I love balloons."

Riku rolled his eyes patiently as Axel laughed. He slapped a friendly hand onto Cloud's shoulder. "What are we going to do with you?" He grinned. Cloud started to ramble on, but I turned to Riku.

Riku looked at me, his face tight. How peculiar.

"How have you been, Roxas?" He asked, those tiny lines around his mouth and eyes deepening.

For a second I considered telling Riku all about the time I'd wasted by sulking about in my room and how he'd made me cry for the first time in two years. I thought about telling him how I was pretty sure I hated him, but how I'd missed him anyway.

Instead of saying what was on my mind, I did what Axel would have done by shrugging and smiling good naturedly.

"Yeah, okay. How have you been?"

Riku's eyes narrowed and I faltered. But then he visibly relaxed, shook his head slightly and smiled. "Pretty shit – Sora's upped the stalking." As he spoke, he produced a small packet from his pocket and pulled a cigarette out. Resting it between his lips, he offered the box around, but nobody took one. I watched, fascinated, as he pulled a disposable lighter out of the package, flicked it and held the small flame to the end of his cigarette, shielding it with his cupped hand. He puffed and a cloud of smoke rose above our heads.

Smoking was supposed to be disgusting, but Riku made it look like a cool thing to do. I'd have asked for one if I wasn't sure Cloud and Axel would beat me up.

I was pretty glad that Riku was smiling at me again. Taking it as a good sign, I smiled wider. I could feel the tension relax, and I wondered if it meant that I could be on friendly terms with Riku again. Ignoring everything I knew about acceptable body language, I folded my arms in front of my chest as I spoke. "Really? How so?"

Riku flicked at his fringe and rolled his eyes. "It's ten calls a day instead of three, and I caught him trying to bribe Leon for a copy of our house key." Riku's eyes idly drifted over the buildings nearby as he inhaled through his cigarette. "Thankfully Leon's made of stone, but I'm a little worried Sora might try to pull a crazy stunt again."

I'd heard about Sora's escapades in Riku's house when Riku was absent, but I decided to humour him anyway.

"Again?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Riku smiled and shook his head, flicking some ash onto the ground. "Maybe when you're older."

That pissed me off slightly.

Instead of snapping as I had done at Axel, I rammed my hands into my pockets and tuned into Cloud and Axel's conversation. They were rambling on about cars and car parts, but try as I might I just couldn't keep up with the conversation, even when Riku joined in. Eventually my concentration waned and my eyes drifted to the fluffy clouds that rolled by overhead.

Quite suddenly, I was struck with a strange feeling of certainty.

"It's gonna rain later." I muttered without thinking.

Axel turned to me, mid-sentence. "Pardon?"

Axel's pause caught Cloud and Riku's attention, and they turned to stare at me as if I'd just covered myself in steak marinate and declared I was a cow. I went slightly pink from the sudden attention.

"I said... that it's going to rain later on." I said, scuffing my feet on the ground.

Riku looked up at the clouds. "I checked the weather forecast yesterday and it said not to expect rain."

Axel looked at me oddly. "Why do you think it's going to rain?"

I shrugged, eyes on the crushed cigarette butts that littered the car park. I felt certain that it was going to rain. At that moment, the rain seemed even more inevitable than the sun rising the next day. But my voice betrayed my uncertainty. "Just a feeling."

Cloud opened his mouth to gift us all with his wisdom, but to my surprise his words were not chastising. "I believe Roxas." He smiled. I stared at him. "Roxy knows the future – he reads fortune cookies."

I mumbled something about tarot cards, but Axel and Riku snorted loudly.

"Roxy?" The redhead laughed. "That's a cute name!"

Riku nodded, grinning wickedly. "It is, _Roxy_."

If I'd been pink before, I was beet red by that stage. My first instinct was to throw punches, but I was short and weak and surrounded by men who were all very strong and very tall. And I knew flipping out in front of Riku would make the situation worse than it already was.

Instead, I turned away and stormed to the car, dragging Cloud with me. Stunned from my sudden movement, he accidentally let go of his balloon. Before he could snatch it up again, the balloon was swirling in the wind far above us. He didn't have time to whine about it, however, as by that stage I'd dragged him to the car. Axel, not really wanting to be left behind with Riku, chased us. I clambered into the car, firmly buckling my seatbelt as Cloud slowly backed out of the parking space and roared out of the car park. Just as the car nosed into the traffic I turned around in my seat and scanned the car park – Riku was standing alone in the centre of the car park, taking a drag from his cigarette, free hand in his pocket as he watched Cloud's car pull away. A plastic bag caught the wind and breezed past like tumbleweed behind him. Riku caught my eye and raised a hand in a gentle wave, but before I could wave back I was gone.

That night, it poured with rain.

-x-

**Author's cardboard box:**** I hate it when people make Axel call Roxas "Roxy". It was funny the first time but now it's just so very overdone. So I've decided to make that Cloud's nickname for Roxas. I so clevuuurrr.**

**And I guess now would be a good time to own up to the fact that the relationship between Cloud and Roxas is similar to my relationship with my older sister, whom Cloud is roughly based on. My sister is fucking crazy and I love her most of the time, but I honestly hope she never reads this as she would kill me. XD Some of the things Cloud does in this fic are things that my sister has actually done, but I'll leave it up to you to figure out which things those are. ;D**

**And to Purr, Y MUST U BE ANONYMOUS. D= I can't reply to your lovely reviews!**


	5. My Burdens

The next morning was crisp and fresh – almost like the rain had washed away all the dirt and the rubbish, leaving behind a clean new world. A new beginning, almost. I opened my bedroom window to inhale the scents of rainwater and freshly-watered plants and knew that there was no way in hell that I was going to school that day. The fluffy clouds in the sky reflected the weak sunlight and cast halos of light down upon the puddle-strewn ground, the birds sang happily in the trees, the fresh breeze tousled my hair slightly and other isn't-the-world-wonderful bullshit. It was just too nice a day to stay cooped up inside.

Faking an illness is an easy thing to do, especially as I don't really do it often. Cloud used to try it once every week, or until Mum and Dad wised up to his fake cough and forced him to go to school. Their mistrust got so bad they sent him to school with appendicitis a few years ago and when he collapsed in class and was sent to the hospital, neither of them believed he was truly ill until a doctor verified his story. Even though I've never been the most honest of people, I'm sensible enough to not get caught. I tip-toed into the bathroom, ran a cloth under hot water and held it to my face until my skin burned. When I was satisfied, I stumbled down stairs clutching my head and moaning about how I felt like a walking piece of shit. Eventually I was sent back upstairs with an order to sleep it off and drink some soup when I felt a little better.

Success!

The parents left for work and I tugged some comfortable clothes on. As I tied the shoelaces of my old running shoes, my eyes flicked over my desk and I spotted _Lord Loss_. Running my fingers over the cover, I contemplated sitting down for a read. But the breeze wafted through my window, carrying the scent of a wet world that needed to be explored. I turned and left the room.

That fine morning I spent wandering the streets, cruising about with no real destination in mind. I walked through misty playgrounds and roads half submerged in water, kicking at the damp grass and flicking the leaves of smaller trees as I passed, sending water flying in all directions. By mid-morning I was soaked, so I found a small park and took my shoes off, trying to dry them in the weak sunlight. But after a mere fifteen minutes I got bored and gave up, strapping the freezing shoes back onto my feet. Squelching around was no fun, so I decided to head back to my house and dry off. Looking around me, I noticed for the first time just how far I'd walked in the space of three hours – I was miles away from home. I also noticed how thirsty I'd become throughout my long walk. The morning had seemed so cool I hadn't bothered bringing water, and I hadn't noticed how tired I was becoming.

With an angry sigh, I turned and went the way I came. I would have made it about three paces before I heard someone say my name.

"Roxas?"

I turned. The small park I stood in was almost like an empty house lot – three sides were lined with the fences of other house's yards, and the fourth side faced out onto the road. Leaning on his elbows over the fence opposite the road was Sora.

I didn't really know what to do or say. Sora had been rather nice the first time I met him, but then he'd become rude when he found out I had a thing with Riku. I didn't really know if he was going to follow through on his threat to castrate me or if he was going to be friendly, but I knew it was rude to just stand and stare. I gave a half-hearted wave.

Sora dipped down as if he was about to drop back behind the fence, but suddenly he sprang up and swung his legs over the fence. He landed in the long grass lightly and strolled over as I felt a twinge of jealousy at how athletic he was. I had trouble running half a block. As he approached, I forced a small smile onto my face. Might as well greet death cheerfully, I figured.

But Sora didn't want to kill me. He came over to me and stood there awkwardly, as if he didn't quite know what to say to me. I had no idea either, so I stood and watched him for a moment.

"Sorry about Saturday." He mumbled after a while.

My eyebrow quirked. "Why are you sorry?" I asked before I could stop myself.

Sora scratched the back of his head and smiled sheepishly. "Alcohol makes me get angry quickly. I've been known to throw tantrums on the stuff."

I shrugged, but still watched him warily. I didn't want to forgive him so easily, but I did as Axel would do and tried to approach the problem with a light heart. "You didn't really hurt me, so I guess there's no problem." I said evenly.

Sora grinned and relaxed, and I felt the tension ease.

"So are you going out with Riku?" He asked.

I shook my head. "I don't think so."

Sora crossed the tiny park and sat down on the bench. I followed, but didn't sit down. He smiled at me, bemused. "He randomly hit on you, huh?"

I nodded, swallowing somewhat nervously. I shouldn't have been so surprised that Sora knew Riku better than anyone.

Sora chuckled and sat back, draping his arms over the back of the bench. "I'd believe that. Riku is a bit of a man whore."

I figured the situation was safe enough, so I took a chance and tried to verify Cloud's story. I'd believed it, but you never could be too sure with gossip. "I heard that you and Riku used to be together."

Sora nodded tiredly. "Yeah, that was a while ago though."

I knew a little bit about how Riku had supposedly broken Sora's heart, so I knew that Sora might get grumpy if I asked him about it. Kicking myself slightly for even bringing it up, I tried to change the topic, but Sora spoke over my silly question about what kind of music he liked.

"In all seriousness, I suggest you stay away from him."

I sighed. Why did everyone keep telling me that? I didn't want to tell Sora about what Axel had said, so I decided to dig him for more information. Who cared if the drama queen got a little grumpy?

"What makes you say that?"

Sora ran his hand across his scalp, which reminded me of how Riku flicked at his hair when he was irritated. But Sora's action was more thoughtful.

"Because Riku is not a nice guy." Sora's head swung to meet my gaze. In his eyes I saw a pain that reminded me of a wounded animal. "It's just not in his nature."

My eyes narrowed, but I don't think Sora noticed. "What makes you say that?" I asked again.

Sora chuckled at my repetition, but in his bad mood it came out as a little savage. I recoiled – this Sora kid could get angry even quicker than I could, and that could prove to make him dangerous. After all, he did seem a lot fitter than me.

"It's kind of a long story, but you don't really need to know all of the details. You just need to know that if Riku is offered a choice between your affections and some random piece of ass, he'll probably go for that random piece of ass."

I bit my tongue, holding back a sarcastic reply. Don't anger the psycho.

Sora looked at me, smiling lightly, but his tone was condescending. "Don't feel bad, Roxas. We've all got to learn that there's no such thing as Prince Charming some time in our lives." He shrugged dramatically and I felt my proverbial hackles rise "If you're too stupid to learn from other's mistakes, well, I guess that's your problem."

Before I could stop myself, I was speaking. "Is that why you're so hung up on him?"

I never did like people threatening me, I suppose. I had actually done pretty well to hold off from insulting Sora for so long. As I watched, his face darkened. I risked a smirk as I grappled for the upper hand. No way would I let this prick get the best of me.

"So far, all you've done is told me why Riku deserves to be the poster boy for the 'Bring back the Guillotine' campaign. But it doesn't quite add up with what you were saying on Saturday night."

Before I knew what was happening, Sora was up off the bench, his fist was connecting with my gut and I was in my very first fist fight.

I'd love to recount how I punched that dickhead so hard he had to shove his toothbrush up his butt to clean his teeth, but in reality Sora was much more athletic than I will ever be. We were the same size, but he seemed to have iron muscles hidden inside those stick arms. When I punched at his stomach it felt like my knuckles were breaking. Although he was a lot heavier than me he was also more agile and more fit – Before I could recover from the first punch to the stomach, Sora was behind me and kicking at the back of my knees, trying to make me fall down.

I spun and grabbed at his hair and we both fell down together, tumbling around and trying to land kicks and punches, but only managed knees and elbows because of the close proximity. Eventually, Sora rolled away and was on his feet in seconds. I stumbled to mine, touching my aching nose. As I drew my hand away, I noticed blood on my fingers and my sight went red. Before that I was fighting in defence, but seeing the blood made me angry.

I don't remember much of the fight after that, as I seemed to be moving without thinking about it, but I remember that Sora had me whipped from the very beginning. When I eventually went down and didn't get back up, Sora had a black eye and my face was a bloody mess. He stood over me, panting heavily.

"Stay the fuck away from Riku, you little bitch." He breathed. With a final kick to my ribs, he turned and walked away.

I don't know how long I laid on the grass for. It felt like hours but it could have been minutes. Eventually, the worst of the pain went away and I sat up, taking an inventory of my wounds. My wrist had been twisted and was a little tender, but with an ice pack it would be fine the next day. I lifted up my shirt to see a colourful assortment of bruises that had already come to surface, but a feel of my chest convinced me that none of my ribs were damaged.

My face was aching all over, and I probably was a horrible sight, but the only cut I could feel was a busted lip, which had already swollen painfully. My nose had stopped bleeding, but there was probably dry blood caking my face.

With a sigh, I gingerly clambered to my feet and began the long walk home.

It took me hours to walk home, because I was walking slower and stopping to rest more frequently. Plus, when I was actually thinking about where I was headed, I got lost and had to double back several times. The magic of the day wore off as the fluffy clouds rolled away and the sun beat down on me, drying up the wonderful wetness that had drawn me outdoors in the first place. My injuries ached and burned with every movement, so I often had to sit down and rest. When I did get home it was about three o'clock.

A mirror revealed that my face was only slightly bruised around my left eye and nose and only noticeable when you looked closely, but my chest was almost black all over and there were some nasty little bruises on the backs of my knees, which made it painful to walk quickly. There was a small but deep cut just above my hairline, which I guessed was why there was blood all over my face. The cut wasn't that bad though, so I just washed it out with some alcohol swabs and pretended like it wasn't there. I rubbed some cream onto my bruised skin, cleaned up all the dried blood, drank a bucket of water and clambered into bed, silently trying to think of a way to explain to my parents why I was so badly beaten up. But before I could think of anything, I was asleep.

It was a wet dream that woke me up at midnight.

In my dream I was sitting on the couch at Cloud's apartment, playing some kind of racing game on the massive flat screen. Cloud himself was hanging from the ceiling like a monkey, swinging from bars I was sure hadn't been there before. He pulled a banana out of nowhere and threw it at me, and I went arse up like they do in Mario Karts. The creepy man with blue hair and crazy yellow eyes came out of nowhere and yanked me to my feet. I tried to thank him but I couldn't for the life of me remember what his name was, but it hardly mattered because he turned into a kangaroo and hopped away, and I was pretty sure kangaroos couldn't speak English.

I wandered into the kitchen to see Sora standing by the stove, his back to me, flipping pancakes.

"Roxas, you slut!" He called, but his head did not move an inch "Care for a pancake?"

I watched the golden brown pancakes turn green and declined. Sora turned to me and smiled, but his eyes were nothing more than bloody, gaping holes. I watched on in terror as blood splashed down his cheeks. A long, snakelike tongue slithered out of his mouth and licked at the blood, causing me to screech and run out of the room.

I ran up the stairs, which suddenly seemed to go on forever. Turning and looking back, I spotted Axel at the bottom landing, emerald eyes glowing, watching me go sadly. But then I reached the top of the stairs and started to run. I wanted to get away from Sora and those bloody gaping holes that had once been bright blue eyes, and the only place I felt would be safe was Riku's room.

I almost entered without knocking, but Riku had been waiting for me. He opened the door before my hand even touched the doorknob, yanked me in by the collar and slammed the door shut behind me. Before I could react he had me pinned against the door, kissing me firmly.

"I've missed you." He muttered against my mouth, his breath hot on my face. I just tugged at his shoulders, pulling him in for another kiss. It went on like that for several minutes – Riku breaking away to mumble things I barely understood, and I pulling him back for more kisses. But then suddenly I was lying on the bed and our shirts were off. I remember staring at him, greedily drinking in the sight of his milky flesh and those large muscles.

I don't remember when he started, but Riku was doing that rocking thing that grinded his crotch against mine, practically dry-humping me. But I didn't mind, really, and I had to bite down a moan when his long fingers pinched roughly at my nipple. My eyes were closed so I felt rather than saw the cool hand rake down my stomach, fingers dipping slightly into my belly button, raising goosebumps as it ghosted over the ticklish spots by my hips. But then the hands were gone and the rocking stopped – I opened my eyes to watch Riku unbuckle a belt I was sure I wasn't wearing before. He caught my eye and smirked as he pulled the belt away and undid my top button. One hand briefly caressed my stomach as the other slowly undid my fly, each tooth of the zipper clacking noisily as it was opened.

Riku's hands disappeared down by my sides for a moment, and my pants were quite suddenly ripped off and tossed across the room. I cringed as I noticed my erection standing tall, feeling the blood drain from my face from both embarrassment and arousal. But Riku didn't seem to notice my discomfort and slowly wrapped a cool hand around my heated flesh. I bit down on my fist as he gently pumped his hand, sending sparks of pleasure shooting up my spine.

Through squinted eyes I watched him smirk at me and lean down towards my hard on, his tongue emerging from his mouth. But before his tongue touched my penis I woke with a start, sitting bolt upright.

I checked the clock next to my bed – midnight. Wiping the sweat from my brow, I noticed that I was panting slightly. A peek under the blanket revealed that I was indeed sporting a raging erection. Falling back onto the bed with a sigh, I debated over getting rid of it quickly or letting it go away in its own time. But when I remembered my crazy dream I knew that it wasn't going away any time soon, so I reached for the tissues and took care of business. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it.

At first, I was annoyed about the fact that I was still sexually attracted to Riku. But as I lay awake, staring at the roof, I wondered if Sora and Axel were right. Riku was sexy, but was that all he was? I tried to list all of the things I knew about him, and all I knew was that he liked to read and he took painstaking care to make sure he looked good. So he was intelligent enough, but he was vain. And if the rumours were true, he was selfish.

I rolled onto my side as I wondered just how much we had in common. Aside from the reading thing, which wasn't exactly a rare hobby, we weren't that alike. I sighed as I noted just how little I actually knew about him. I didn't know where he came from, where he was going, what he did with his spare time or even what he disliked.

In hindsight, I know that Sora and Axel were right on the money. Riku was absolutely the wrong person for me. I knew little about him and he knew even less about me. But that night, as I lay in the dark and tried not to think about my bruises, I was optimistic that I'd get to know Riku as time passed. Now that he was no longer mad at me for Saturday night, I was confident that we could hang out sometime and get to know each other as people and not as sex objects.

Fortunately for me, the situation crashed and burned the very next day.

The next morning, Mum threw a hundred questions at me about why I was so bruised, and I fed her some story about falling down the stairs and landing on my face. It was a mutual agreement that I would stay home again that day, as my lip was at the height of swelling and I looked 'like I'd been in a fight'. Once Mum and Dad had left for work, I curled up in my bed and opened _Lord Loss_ for the first time.

I was sucked into a world of confusion and violence. I've always been the kind of person to sit down and read a whole book, cover to cover, in one sitting, but every few chapters I would take a break and snooze for a few minutes. My dreams were strange – I was running through a dark forest, something with heavy footsteps and laboured breathing following right behind.

When I finally put the book down at about two in the afternoon, my eyes were sore and my heart was heavy, but my mind was away from the aching of my bruises. I'd never read such a violent book before, and it shocked me slightly. I clambered out of bed and stumbled down the stairs, wondering if Axel had been right about Riku.

After rubbing some more cream onto my bruises, I picked up the phone and dialled Cloud, not really thinking about what I'd say when he answered.

When Cloud picked up, he sounded breathless.

"_H-Hello?_" He panted.

"Hey Cloud, it's Roxas."

Cloud let out a laugh as he started to pant. "_Look, little bro, this probably isn't the best time._"

I paused, curiously listening to Cloud huff and puff. Suddenly it dawned on me that I might have caught him at a _really _bad time. I fought down the urge to slam down the phone.

"Oh, uh, I'll call you back-"

"_Freeze! I said freeze!_" a man screeched from down the line. Cloud laughed, panting harder and faster. I strained my ears and was sure I could hear his feet slap against the ground. I frowned. Okay, so maybe Cloud wasn't doing what I thought he'd been doing.

"_Fat fuckin' security guard doesn't run fast._" Cloud laughed breathlessly "_I'll call you back in a moment._"

The line went dead.

A little dumbstruck, I sat the phone on the cradle and stared at it, almost as if I was expecting Cloud to jump out of the receiver. Just what the hell had my batshit crazy brother done this time?

Cloud pulled into the driveway fifteen minutes later, breathless with laughter. He clambered out of the car, along with a slender girl with red hair and a tiny skirt.

I ignored her as I unlocked the front door and let them in. "So what the hell did you do _this time_?" I nagged at Cloud.

He flicked his fingers through his hair in a very Riku-like fashion and laughed. "I forgot that I was banned from McDonalds."

I rolled my eyes. "You went in there?"

He shrugged. "No, but I went _on _there."

By that stage, we'd walked into the kitchen and Cloud was drinking water from the tap. He actually leaned over the sink and drank straight from the tap. Because fetching a glass was too much trouble for him.

"You wanna try making some sense?"

A high, musical voice joined in the conversation.

"Cloud decided that partying on the ground is for losers, so he climbed onto the roof of McDonalds with a boom box and started to rave by himself." The girl giggled. "I caught some of getting chased off by security on my phone."

I eyed the girl. Her hair had appeared a deep red in the sun, but now she was indoors it had faded to a darker brown. It fell over her blue-almost-purple eyes and just past her shoulders, sitting nicely on her fairly decent-sized rack. I know dick about fashion, but I knew from the girls I saw at the mall and on TV that her low-cut shirt and microscopic skirt were the height of stylish. They were also very revealing, leaving nothing to the imagination.

Usually, I'd have regarded a girl like her hot and developed an instant crush on her, but that day she didn't really strike my fancy. It might have just been the annoying way she was giggling, but it could have been the fact that she had a vagina. Either way, there didn't really appear to be more to her than her sizzling looks.

"This is Kairi, by the way." Cloud waved at her. Kairi giggled and tweaked her fingers at me in a flirty wave. "She's Riku's little sister."

My eyebrows quirked before I could stop them. "Oh, I didn't know he had any siblings. Hi, Kairi, I'm Roxas."

Kairi looked me up and down, and I bristled. She looked away.

"So what did you want, Roxy?" Cloud asked as he opened the fridge

I shrugged. "I just wanted to see what you were up to."

Cloud pulled a piece of cold pizza out of the fridge, took a single bite and put it back, just the way Mum hated. I made a mental note to eat the rest of the piece later, so that she wouldn't go ape.

"Why aren't you at school?"

I frowned. "What is this, twenty questions? I felt sick this morning so I stayed behind."

Cloud shrugged, looking directly at me for the first time. His eyes narrowed. "Is that a black eye, Roxy?"

I gingerly rubbed my nose, deciding against lying. There seemed no point in keeping my meeting with Sora a secret from Cloud.

As I told them what had transpired the day before, I lifted the bottom of my t-shirt and showed them my dark stomach. As I spoke, Cloud's face was grim and Kairi was wide eyed, covering her mouth with one dainty hand.

When I was finished, Cloud thoughtfully ran his fingers along the counter top. I had never seen him so quiet or still while awake.

"It's good that you told me." He said eventually. "Something needs to be done about that Sora."

Kairi nodded soberly and gave me a very gentle hug, which I was grateful for. The gentle part, not the hug part. I never liked strangers touching me before Riku came along.

Cloud shook his head evenly, and the change in his mood was almost like I had never gotten into a fight at all. Some brother I have here.

"So. You have any plans for this afternoon?"

I shook my head. "I have work at four, and I kinda need to go to school tomorrow."

Kairi perked up. "What school do you go to?"

"St. Peter's."

Kairi grinned and began to speak very fast, and I felt that my immediate dislike for her was a bit harsh. At least she was making an effort to talk to me. I leaned on the bench as I listened to her – the least I could do was be polite in return and hear her out. I never said I was a gentleman, but sometimes I like to make believe.

"Oh, I used to go there! I was there in year seven and eight, but halfway through year nine I switched over to Destiny High because I really wanted to do Dance in year eleven because I'd really like to dance professionally some day. Anyway, do you like Saints? I used to have Mr. Even for homeroom and he was really scary." She laughed "I remember that the other girls and I used to lose our ties all the time. I hated wearing a tie, it sucked on hot days. And the uniform was just plain bleh – I mean, I shortened my skirt and rolled my sleeves up, but there wasn't really much I could do to make it look _stylish,_ you know? Destiny High is great though because it's a uniform-free school. But the catch is trying to decide what to wear every day!"

On and on and on she rambled. I zoned out after that monologue, but she just kept talking. Cloud met my eye over her head – she was a little shorter than me – and smiled. I tried pleading with my eyes to get him to shut her up, but he just shook his head and smiled wickedly. No doubt he'd had his ears chewed off on several different occasions.

I zoned back in when I realized Kairi had asked a question she wanted an answer to.

"Hm?"

"Geez Roxas, were you listening? I asked you how you knew Riku."

"Oh, uh." I didn't want to tell her that Riku had molested me and I had let him, so I gestured towards Cloud. "Met him when Cloud moved into his place."

That spurred a fifteen-minute story of how Riku and Leon had rented the apartment and moved in. She was just going into detail about how they'd originally split the bills between them, when the phone rang. I jumped at it.

"Hello, this is Roxas speaking."

"Oh, have I reached the Roxas and co. Law Offices?" A male voice taunted from the other end.

"Who is this?" I frowned.

"Someone who thinks you need to loosen up when you answer the phone."

I couldn't think of anything to say, so I slammed the phone down to let the anonymous caller know that I wasn't taking any crap. The phone rang almost two seconds after it hit the cradle. After a moment's hesitation, I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"See? Much better!"

"Alright, who the fuck is this?" I snarled down the phone. Cloud and Kairi eyed me worriedly.

"Relax, dude, it's Axel."

I sighed. "So now you've filled your quota of pissing me off for the week, what do you want?"

Axel laughed. "I have a quota now? Damn, and I was hoping I could go at it as much as I wanted."

I inhaled slowly, willing myself to calm down before I hung up on him again. Once I was certain I could speak without swearing, I asked him a question. "Axel, what are you calling for?"

I could hear him shrug as he spoke. "I just wanted to speak to Cloud."

I looked across at Cloud and frowned. "How did you know he's here?"

Once more, Axel laughed. "Now I'm positive he's there. But really, when I rang his other home number and Leon told me he was out I kinda guessed where he was."

So Axel was a bit brighter than I'd given him credit for.

I nodded to Cloud and handed the phone over. "It's Axel."

Cloud cradled the phone to his ear with his shoulder as he shuffled through the pantry. "Hey man, what's up? And don't say the roof- Oh, you're such a smartass. What do you want?"

Kairi smiled at me briefly, and I quickly jerked my eyebrows in reply. She giggled. I fought they urge to roll my eyes.

"What, now? Hey, I thought I said don't start without me!"

After a moment's silence, Cloud slammed down the phone and stomped out of the room. Kairi and I glanced at each other awkwardly. I couldn't help but notice that her face was actually rather similar to Riku's, and I smiled slightly. She beamed at me in reply, so I looked away. Friendly girl.

Cloud stomped into the kitchen a few moments later, swinging our mother's six hundred dollar digital camera by the lanyard carelessly. Just watching it made me cringe.

"Cloud, is that Mum's camera?"

"Yep." He said, distracted by looking for something in the draw.

"Mum's six hundred dollar camera? That cost her six hundred dollars?"

"The one that's worth a single week's rent." He said as he popped his memory card into the slot, placing Mum's in the draw.

"The one that if you break she will fucking kill you."

"Relax dude, I'm careful." As he spoke he swung to face me and the camera smacked into the cabinet with a dull thud. I jumped, but Cloud gave it a once-over and nodded cheerfully. "It's fine. See, Roxy? Relax."

I rubbed the bridge of my nose tiredly. "So what shenanigans are you up to now and may I be excused from them?"

Cloud's eyes lit up as he dug a crazy straw out of the cutlery draw. He grinned at me. "We're gonna go planking!"

I blinked. "Bless you."

"No, you moron, we're gonna go planking. Don't you even know what that is?"

I sighed. "No, but I daresay I will find out."

Oddly enough, Cloud just nodded and grabbed the car keys from the bench.

"Well, what is it?"

Cloud grinned sheepishly, his cheeks a little pink. I groaned.

"You don't even know what it is, do you?"

He glared at me. "Yes I do! But I'm just keeping it as a surprise because it's that awesome!"

My dad once gave me some pretty sound advice. _"Never argue with an idiot, Roxas."_ He told me one day as we sat in his car. _"Why, Dad?" _I asked, eyes wide. Dad laughed. _"Because onlookers won't be able to tell which one of you is the idiot."_

Following my dad's wise advice, I shut my trap, grabbed my phone, keys and wallet and followed Cloud and Kairi out, locking the door behind us. And sure enough, Cloud and I had a lovely introduction to the world of planking.

I couldn't help but shed a tear for the future of humanity as I watched Axel clamber onto the top of a Coke machine and lie down rigidly so that his upper torso and legs formed a 180 degree angle, hanging drastically over the edges of the machine. Much like a plank.

His face pointed directly downwards as Cloud laughed and snapped a photo with Mum's camera that was worth more than Cloud was, but when that was done Axel grinned wickedly at us and relaxed, sliding off the machine in one fluid movement.

"That was awesome!" Cloud laughed as Axel rubbed his stomach. "Was it hard to do that?"

Axel laughed and shook his head. "It strains you a little but you're not supposed to do it for a very long time."

They started to chatter with Kairi about where to plank next and I zoned out, looking around at the apartment complex we stood next to.

Axel lived in a little hovel in a small, run-down apartment complex downtown. It wasn't the nicest neighbourhood but I supposed it was cheap, which was all an apprentice mechanic working a single table-wiping-coffee-making job could really afford. I watched Axel laugh somewhat fondly and decided that you didn't have to be a bad person to live on the bad side of town.

"Looking at the unicorns, huh?" A deep voice broke my thoughts.

I jumped and turned to see Riku smiling at me. And I'd just about forgotten that he was there, too. Shame.

"I'm looking at your mother." I snapped. Riku actually laughed, which was something I noticed he didn't do much. I supposed since he was being really friendly he was no longer angry at me, but I wasn't sure if he was angry with me in the first place. It hurt my head to think about it, really, so I just smiled at Riku as a peace offering. He wasn't mad at me and I wasn't mad at him. Okay.

"What have you been up to anyway?" I asked. Riku shrugged.

"Work, work, and more work. It's been costing Leon and I to support your brother will bills and the like, so I hope he gets a job." He sighed and flicked at his fringe. "Soon."

"What do you do?" I asked.

Riku smiled. "Graphic design. It's kind of boring, sitting at a desk all day, but I can't really make a living from fencing."

My ears perked up. "Fencing? Like, with swords and whatnot?"

He chuckled. "With swords and whatnot. At the moment it's just a hobby that keeps me fit, but going pro would rock. Nobody in the club can touch me with a sword, either, so it'd be great to take on a professional."

I leaned against the fence we were standing next to, marvelling about how much I had just learned in a few seconds. Progress is good. "You're awfully talkative today."

Riku shrugged indignantly, but he was smiling. "What do you want me to say to that? I do talk a lot, but usually I keep my trap shut around people I don't really know."

I smiled and Riku chuckled. He reached out and for a second I thought he was going to touch my face. I froze up, watching his pale hand advance, but turn upwards at the last second and ruffle my hair affectionately. My heart leapt slightly at the contact but my stomach sank from disappointment.

But as Riku smiled at me, his eyes narrowed. I sighed. Oh no.

"Roxas, is that a black eye?"

I shrugged, eyes on the ground. Riku chuckled, but it was somewhat nervous, as if he didn't know if he should be laughing or not.

"You've been in a fight?"

I nodded. Riku risked a smile.

"With who?"

"Sora."

Riku did not smile again.

"Hey everyone, watch this!"

We turned in unison to the sound of the voice just in time to watch Cloud fall from the Coke machine right onto his face. I glanced at Riku just as he looked at me, and we both cracked up. Clutching my stomach with one hand and clasping the fence for support, I found myself bent over double from laughing so hard. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I fought to breathe, but I could not force myself to stop laughing.

By the time I straightened up, Axel was bent over Cloud who was lying down with his hands over his face. Kairi stood over them, covering her own mouth with her hands as if she was about to be sick. In the silence after my laughter, I could hear heavy sobbing. Concerned, I took a few steps forward and saw that Cloud's face was a bloody mess.

"Shit!" I shouted and rushed over, Riku hot on my heels.

When I got to Cloud I knelt down next to him. His hands were over his nose and mouth, but I could see that there was a nasty gash above his left eye. His face was screwed up in pain and his body shook violently as he cried. Axel was holding Cloud's head and shoulders still. My stomach flipped and twisted with worry.

"What happened?" I gushed, not looking at Axel, not caring that I had just watched it happen. My mind was fuddled and I guess I thought that I was missing something.

"You saw. Roxas." He reached over Cloud and put his hand on my cheek, directing my gaze away from Cloud's bloody face and to his own oddly calm face. I stared at him, slightly dumbfounded.

"I'm going to stop the bleeding, and I need you to call an ambulance." He said carefully, looking away for a second as he dug into his pocket and pulled out his mobile phone, which he pressed into my palm. "It's probably nothing serious, but Cloud might have hurt his neck. The address here is 27 Palm Circuit, okay?"

I stumbled to my feet, almost falling over. But there were suddenly strong arms wrapped firmly around my torso as Riku caught me and straightened me up. I looked up at his concerned face and my control snapped – I burst into tears, right in front of him.

Riku took it pretty well, I think. I don't actually remember what happened after that, but from what Riku mentioned later, he took Axel's phone from me and called the hospital himself, holding me tightly with his other arm the whole time. And judging by the ugly stains on the front of his shirt afterwards, I think I clung to him and bawled my eyes out. After he was done on the phone he just held me close and shielded my eyes from the sight of Axel cleaning up the mess that was Cloud's face.

It's lucky Axel and Riku didn't melt down like I did. I don't even know what the fuck Kairi was up to for the whole drama as I was just not paying her any attention. Once Cloud was stuffed into the ambulance with a neck brace and a drip in his hand, Riku led me to Cloud's car and drove the four of us to the hospital.

The final diagnosis was a badly broken nose, two missing teeth and that nasty gash above his eye that required five stitches. His neck wasn't hurt badly, and neither was his skull, but he'd strained a few muscles and would not be able to move his head quickly for a few weeks. And that six hundred dollar camera? Totally demolished from where Cloud had landed on it. Once it was apparent that he had survived his fall, it became a very real possibility that he might not survive the wrath of Mum when she found out.

I called work from the hospital pay phone and told my boss that my brother was injured and in hospital so I couldn't make it to work. He seemed a little annoyed but wished that my brother had a speedy recovery. I thanked him, hung up and went back to the sitting room, reclaiming my seat between Riku and Axel. Kairi sat on the other side of Riku and the two were engaged in an animated conversation about some family matter. I turned to Axel, who was staring blankly at the old TV mounted on the opposite wall.

"Thanks for taking care of Cloud." I smiled at him. He smiled warmly at me.

"That kid can hardly take care of himself. I've gotten used to scraping him off the ground." He said, drawing a laugh from me. "But I was a little surprised to see a tough-as-nails guy like yourself in such a state. I guess you do really care for your brother."

I frowned at Axel. "Of course I do care for him, he _is _my brother. I guess I just... forget it sometimes."

He quirked an eyebrow. "What do you mean by that?"

I shrugged. "He's so infuriating sometimes. It's almost like I'm the older brother taking care of him, and I suppose I resent him a little for that." I softened. "But in the end of the day he's the only brother I have and I do love him."

A grinning Axel put a brotherly arm around me and hugged me close to his shoulder for a second before releasing me. The sudden contact reminded me of Riku holding me close during the ordeal and I experienced a sudden aching longing for a physical closeness.

I must have looked lonely because Axel rested his arm on the back of my chair, his sleeve brushing against the fabric of my shirt. I smiled at him and he smiled back. In that moment I was glad that he was sitting to my right, as my left eye was the bruised one.

"You're a good kid, Roxas."

I laughed, but Axel's gaze was sober. It reminded me of the McDonald's park the other day, when he had looked at me in the same way and asked if I had ever seen someone die. My eyebrows knitted together as I noticed that there was probably something about Axel that he didn't share with many people.

"Really, you are. You're a little on the angry side and you act like you don't care for anyone, but you're a genuinely good person."

I smiled at the sudden praise, but my heart was beating faster and faster. I'd been called many things over the years, but I couldn't think of the last time someone had so sincerely complimented my personality. My fondness for Axel increased, but in an unforseen direction. He seemed like the older brother I'd always wished Cloud was. I leaned into his warm frame.

A doctor came out and called out my name. I stood up, missing the arm over my shoulders, and strode over to the doctor.

"You Roxas?" He asked, and I nodded. "Cloud is alright. He's a little bruised and he has a few stitches, but you can go in and see him. The painkillers have made him a little sleepy though."

I waved back at Axel and followed the doctor through the emergency ward. I was expecting to be led past beds of injured and sick people, but the first curtained cubicle we came to he stopped in front of. Holding the curtain open for me, he gestured me in but asked me to be quick. I ducked under his arm and gasped when I saw Cloud.

His face was a mess of bruises, stitches and white sticking plaster. Five shockingly blue stitches glinted from above his left eye, a white paster held his broken nose in place and his cheeks were covered with squares of cotton that had been taped onto his face. His head rested in a small neck brace. When he saw me he smiled and the cotton tugged upwards.

"Hey Roxy. How are you feeling?"

I approached him slowly, feeling my eyes burn. "I should be asking you the same thing."

His face slowly dawned into recognition, and he screwed his eyes shut and chuckled. "Oh yeah, I'm the one in the hospital bed."

I sat down in a hard plastic chair next to the bed, but Cloud couldn't turn his head to look at me so I stood up. The aerial view of Cloud's once beautiful face was even worse. I sighed and brushed a lock of his light blonde hair away from his face.

"I've been really worried." I said eventually. Cloud smiled.

"And there I thought you didn't care."

My eyebrows knitted as I felt the sadness wash over me. Was I really such an angry, uncaring person?

"I do. Infinitely."

He managed a laugh, but as he laughed his eyelids sunk lower and lower over his bright blue eyes. "Dude, I don't even know what that word means. But I get your point. I'm really tired, so I'm gonna go to sleep now, 'kay?"

I laughed and nodded, feeling my eyes sting with tears. "Sure."

Cloud's eyes slipped closed, but he frowned. "Don't leave me here."

I grabbed onto his hand firmly, which he responded to by returning the grip with surprising strength for his drugged up state. The sight of him in the bed blurred and distorted from the tears in my eyes.

"I won't."

Eventually, Cloud's grip on my hand relaxed. His frown eased up into a more peaceful line and his breathing slowed into the pace of gentle sleep. I eased my hand from his and with a final flick of his hair, I turned and left the ward.

-x-

**Author's message in a bottle:**** I wrote this just as planking was becoming a big thing. X3 It was relevant at the time. **

**And sorry for the wait for this chapter. It was finished ages ago, but I like to have completed the next few chapters before I post it, just in case I need to go back and change anything. Currently polishing chapter seven. But at the moment I get to look after three dogs as well as my own two, (And these five dogs are all on opposite sides of the town) so I barely get enough computer time to do schoolwork, so I don't know how long the wait will be for the next chapter. Hopefully getting a little laptop soon though, so when that happens you'll be sick of reading my name in your inbox. :D**


	6. My Ignorance

Axel caught a cab home about half an hour later to get ready to go to work and Kairi walked into the city to meet up with some friends. Riku and I sat around for an hour before we were told that Cloud had been moved out of emergency and into a ward. I asked to see him but he went back to sleep as soon as his bed was parked in his new room, so Riku led me from the hospital.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Riku asked, but I shook my head. By the time we would have made it there, Mum and Dad would have set off for the hospital to see Cloud, and I didn't want to be alone. When I explained that to Riku he shrugged and pulled out of the car park without a word. The sky, which had been completely clear that morning, was now mostly hidden by dark grey clouds. As we drove along it began to drizzle slightly. The mood was wonderfully gloomy.

We drove in silence for a while. I didn't know where he was taking me but I didn't care enough to ask. Instead I watched the water run down the windshield and pondered over the puzzle that was Axel. It was normal for people to have a cheerful, outgoing side and a more serious side, but Axel's sudden changes in mood weren't quite normal.

"What's up with Axel?" I asked after a few minutes of silence.

Riku was looking around a corner as I asked, and he finished scanning for cars and pulled out into the next street before he answered. "What do you mean?"

I sighed. "He's really nice and outgoing, but he has these moments were he's almost stony. Then he goes back to being all cheerful. Is he bipolar?"

Riku frowned as he shifted into third gear. "What does he talk about when he goes stony?"

"Death."

"Ah." Riku nodded to himself, not looking away from the road.

I leaned forward. "What? Did someone close to him die?"

Riku was silent for a few moments before he sighed. "Yeah."

"Oh, that sucks. Who was it?"

"His older brother, Reno."

My stomach sank as I felt something click in my head. That explained why Axel was almost brotherly to me and Cloud. Poor guy.

"What happened?" I asked after a moment.

Riku's hair was covering his face as he spoke so I couldn't really tell what he was thinking, but his voice was quiet. "There was an accident. Reno was killed in a horrible car crash a few years ago. A long time ago, actually. It must have been about six years now. Axel was fifteen when it happened." After a moment's pause, he added "I was fourteen."

I quirked an eyebrow. "You were there?"

Riku's shoulders slumped. "I was in the car when it happened, yeah. So was Axel. And Sora."

A shiver went down my spine. "Sora? Were you guys okay?"

"We were really good friends back in the day. We were also kind of into each other, but it was before either of us were comfortable with liking boys as well as girls." He managed a savage chuckle. "The days of our youth." For a moment, Riku seemed lost in his own memories. But suddenly he cleared his throat and continued. "It was raining that day. Really bucketing down. Reno would have been about seventeen and he was driving us from their house in the outer suburbs into the city for something or other." He shook his head. "I don't really remember. It's not that important, I suppose. Anyway, it must have been a dog or something that ran out onto the road, because it startled Reno and he swerved to miss it."

I bit down a gasp as Riku continued. "The car rolled four or five times. When we came to a stop the car was upside down. I was fine and managed to crawl out okay, but Sora had taken a nasty bump to the head and was unconscious. I kicked out his window and dragged him out of the car. I remember being so _scared _that he was going to die." Riku's voice was somewhere between irritated and sad, but I couldn't quite put my thumb on the exact emotion. Still, he shrugged and continued.

"By the time I was sure Sora was okay and headed back to the car, I could hear Axel crying. He was in a bad way – broken legs, a broken collarbone, all bloodied up... I tried to get him out but every time I touched him he would scream at me. 'Reno', he was saying 'see if Reno is okay!' I ran around to the other side of the car to check on him."

Riku shuddered. I noticed several cars zoom by and a quick check of the speedometer revealed that we were travelling at about fifty in an eighty zone. I didn't mention it to Riku, however.

"Reno was in a worse condition than Axel. To this day I'm not really sure if he was still breathing at that point, but he wasn't responding to my voice. It was around this time that someone had called the police, because a cop car and an ambulance blared into the street. Sora was still unconscious, so he was loaded onto a stretcher and carted off. The police took a statement from me and I was taken to the hospital too."

"What about Axel and Reno?"

"They had to get the fire department to cut them from the car, in the end. But by the time they got to Reno it was too late."

A miserable silence washed over the car. Riku's face was still covered by his hair, but I stared at the road ahead of us, watching the other cars fly past, trying to process this new information about my new friend. Eventually the car bumped up to the speed limit and the other cars couldn't pass us.

My voice was quiet when I spoke again. "I'm sorry to hear that."

Riku sighed. "Axel still resents me for what happened."

"You tried to save Reno, how could he resent you for that?"

Riku's hair finally fell back from his face, revealing a grim glare. "The first person I rescued was the least injured person, Sora. And when I had him out of harm's way I spent so much time making sure he was still breathing when I could have called the police." He swallowed heavily. "Axel seems to think that if I had reacted faster Reno might still be alive."

I blew air from my cheeks. "That's hardly fair."

Riku shrugged. "Maybe he's right. We didn't speak for years after the incident, but in the last year or so he's started to open up to me a little. But I can still see the anger in his eyes every time he looks at me. And I guess it was made worse by the fact that Sora and I are no longer together and I can't stand the prick anymore. Y'know, 'you let my brother die for this guy and now you don't even like him anymore.'."

Riku sighed heavily, dejectedly. I eyed his slumped posture, watching him holding the steering wheel with just one hand as the other drifted over the gearstick. On an impulse, I reached out and placed my hand over his, lacing my fingers through the gaps in his. Riku didn't look at me, but his grip tightened around the gearstick, holding my fingers tighter.

"Cloud will be okay." Riku said after several minutes of silence. "He's an idiot but he's a tough one."

We both chuckled half-heartedly, but our grip on each other's hands did not loosen.

Before that moment I'd never thought of myself as lonely. I like to be alone, to enjoy the peace and quiet by curling up with a book and a cup of hot chocolate. I like to take long walks by myself to just bask in my thoughts and savour the fresh air. I never got along with other people; they never made sense to me and I never made sense to them. When I was a kid I never fit in with the other kids, so as I got older I withdrew into solidarity.

But as I watched Riku from the corner of my eye, I felt a sinking in my chest as I realized that I had been lonely, incredibly so. All the time I'd spent sneering at the idiots laughing together in my grade I was secretly wishing that I was laughing with them. When Cloud dragged me along on his hair brained adventures I would complain and ask to go home, but I was always touched he had bothered to include me. I was, and always had been, a lonely person.

If I were writing fiction, I'd write about how I felt complete around Riku. If my life was a story and I was the writer, that moment is when I'd make the main character realize that he was in love with Riku and vice versa. They'd get together and adopt beautiful babies. Happy sunshine rainbow ending.

But, I mused as I watched the water run down the glass, my life isn't a story and it isn't perfect. Riku didn't make me feel complete, or special, or even that he particularly enjoyed my company. I felt different around him, sure, but those feelings were more like anxiety. Not overly healthy. Again, if I were writing the fictitious life of a fictitious character, this would be the part where the main character realizes that he and Riku aren't meant to be together and that they are actually not compatible at all. I'd construct dialogue in which the main character would thank Riku for the lift but ask to take him home, because he would realize at that point that there is nothing to be gained from spending time with the older guy.

Unfortunately for me, I wasn't thinking that. Despite the fact that I was aware that Riku wasn't making me any happier, I was devising ways he could and wondering if I made him happy. Even then, I figured, we could be lonely together. Because really, if Riku didn't like me who else would?

Looking out the window I noticed the traffic was thicker as we entered the outskirts of the CBD, and I realized that Riku was taking me to his place. I couldn't make myself care though – there was a comfortable couch, a DVD player and massive TV. I'd be set for a while.

When Riku shifted down in gear to back into the driveway, I tried to pull my hand away but his grip pulled my hand along with his. When the car was in neutral and turned off, Riku let go of the gearstick, letting my hand free from his, and jerked at the handbrake. The rain, which was slightly stronger now, pattered down on the roof gently as Riku turned and faced me.

He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then changed his mind and closed it. I smiled painfully at him. His response was a rueful smile.

"I forget how young you are sometimes."

I shrugged. "My birthday is on Tuesday."

Riku's eyebrows disappeared under his fringe. "Less than a week away? Shit. Happy birthday for then, Roxas." I grinned and thanked him. Riku smiled, shaking his head at me. "You're sixteen going on twenty eight, huh?"

I sensed it was a rhetorical question, so I just shrugged meekly in reply. Maybe I did act a little older than I really was, but I was hardly the judge of that.

Riku reached out to me and I thought he was going to ruffle my hair again, but instead his fingers curved inwards and his cool knuckles brushed gently against my cheek, stroking my skin. I felt myself lean towards his touch, smiling and closing my eyes. But oddly, I wasn't blushing. Maybe I was used to him touching me.

Riku's hand opened and his fingertips caressed my cheek before his palm came to rest against my skin. His hand was so large it easily covered half of my face, even though he was only cupping my cheek.

Riku's voice was a lot closer than it had been when he spoke again, but his tone was gentle, almost loving. "You're such a beautiful guy, Roxas."

I chuckled and peered through my slightly parted lids at him. Riku's face was about two inches from mine, and slowly approaching. There was a time, not so long before then, when I might have slammed my face up against his. Or I might have flipped out and made a break for the escape pod. But that day I felt mortally tired, so I let Riku come to me.

And he did come to me. He hesitated for a few seconds, looking into my eyes as if he was truly searching for something. When I smiled he relaxed a little and closed in on me.

The first kiss was very gentle, just a delicate peck. The second one was a little more intense, though still chaste. Progressively the kisses became longer and deeper, and I noticed my hand was stroking the back of Riku's neck as his other arm snaked about my shoulders and pulled me closer. All resistance flooded from me and I felt myself relaxing into his arms, allowing him to hold me together for a while.

Eventually, Riku broke away from me and sat back in his own seat. I realized that he had been leaning over the centre console and it must have hurt him a little, and I smiled despite myself. Riku had made himself extremely uncomfortable for a minute or so because he wanted to kiss me and hold me close. Imagine that.

I unbuckled my seatbelt and clambered from the car. Shutting the door gently behind me, I made my way over to the door of the apartment Riku shared with Leon and Cloud. It was locked, so I waited a moment for Riku to lock up the car and open the door for me. I went in without either of us saying a word, but when I got into the hallway I realized that I wasn't sure what I was doing there. Was Riku just going to let me watch a movie or was he expecting me to follow him upstairs? And for that matter, what did I want to do?

Riku saw my troubled face and laughed a genuine, cheerful laugh.

"Wanna watch a movie or something?" He asked me, and I smiled gratefully. That was one hard decision I wouldn't have to make. "I've got popcorn in the pantry somewhere, so you go pick a movie and I'll be right in."

I nodded and Riku disappeared into the kitchen. I pulled my crappy old mobile phone from my pocket and checked the time – Six thirty. If Riku took me home after the movie was finished I'd be able to make it to school the next morning, but after my two days of truancy I didn't really feel in the mood to go back. Maybe he'd let me sleep on the couch for the night.

I made my way into the living room and approached a large rack of DVDs. Eyeing off the colourful titles, I spent a good five minutes trying to choose something to watch. There were no shortages of action movies, but I was never really an action kind of guy. There were also a good few comedies, but I didn't really feel in the mood for laughing.

By the time Riku came in with a steaming bowl of popcorn I'd settled for the universal favourite Lord of the Rings. It had a few good laughs but overall provoked a sense of mystery and doom, which suited my mood perfectly. I clipped it into the DVD player as Riku pulled a large blanket from nowhere and huddled up on the couch. As I approached, he held it open for me. Grateful, I slipped in next to his warm frame and he tucked the blanket over me, draping his arm across my shoulders and holding me close.

I've seen Lord of the Rings so many times before, but if that particular copy had offered a special guest appearance of Godzilla I really would not have noticed, because I was too busy focusing on Riku's ribcage next to mine and the rhythmetic thumping of his heart. I stared blankly at the screen as I focused on Riku though my peripheral vision, studying his profile by the light of the TV, watching him eat all of the popcorn as I wasn't really hungry.

About halfway through the movie Riku sensed he was being watched and looked over at me. Ashamed, I returned my focus back to the TV and he looked away.

It was in the closing minutes of the movie when I looked directly at Riku. He caught my gaze an smiled, but neither of us looked away.

"You're..." I mumbled, but I could barely hear myself over the TV "... a beautiful person too, Riku."

Riku smiled ruefully and looked away. "No I'm not."

I laughed. "Neither am I."

He chuckled a little at that, but didn't look back at me. "Let's be ugly people together, then."

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. It seemed like the right thing to do. When he looked at me it seemed like the right thing when he kissed me. It felt right to kiss back.

As the credits rolled on, Riku gently pushed me onto the couch and hunkered down next to me. It was a tight squeeze for the two of us to fit without Riku falling off, but we managed it by wrapping our arms around each other. I sighed and relaxed into his grip once again.

For a while it was just simple kissing, but eventually Riku broke away and smiled at me.

"Had you ever kissed anyone before?" He asked after a moment. I shook my head.

"In the kitchen last week, that was my very first time."

He closed his eyes, almost as if he had gone to sleep. But he opened them when I asked "When was your first?"

Riku sighed coldly, and I felt him pulling away from me ever so slightly. "Shortly after I pulled Sora out of the car during the accident. He came round for a few minutes, and I guess I kinda blurted out that I liked him and we kissed. He passed out again halfway through." He tried to chuckle, but it came out as more of a growl.

I knew Cloud's side of the story, that Riku was heartless and got sick of Sora, but at that moment I knew that there was more to it than that. I gathered up my courage and asked "What happened between you and Sora? That is, why do you hate him so much now?"

Riku's arm rose from my side and flicked at his fringe, something I now know to be a warning sign of Riku's anger. He sighed. "Sora's a great person and all, but I couldn't let myself love him after what happened with Reno."

My eyes widened. "With Reno?"

Riku's eyes closed warily as he began. "Axel never let me forget that I put Sora's life above Reno's, and he never forgave me for it. After a while it became something like 'If you break up with Sora you are the scum of the Earth because my brother died for you to be with him' or something else equally fucked up." He sighed, but his eyes stayed closed. "I couldn't live with that kind of guilt on my shoulders, so I left Sora. It seemed like I'd killed Reno for him, so being with him was making me feel guilty and miserable. I don't really know what I was thinking, but we'd been going out for almost two years when I eventually ended it."

When Riku opened his eyes, they were brimming with tears.

And suddenly, it dawned on me.

"You still love him, don't you?"

His eyes closed warily and his lips tugged into a kind of ironic smile. "I guess I do."

I sighed, feeling my stomach sink. Before then I wasn't even sure if I still wanted Riku, but it was then I realized that I could never have him. I sat up. Riku looked up at me, his eyes glistening with tears he had never let himself cry. He looked kind of pathetic, lying there on the couch. And I realized that I was just a replacement for him and that he had never truly liked me for who I was.

Anger rose in my chest, and before I could stop myself I snapped at him.

"So you like me because I look like Sora?"

Riku flinched, but the tears in his eyes dried up slowly.

"You don't look like Sora. At least, you don't anymore."

I clambered off the couch. Straightening my shirt, I paced to the other side of the room, fists clenched at my sides. "What the fuck does that mean?" I barked. Riku sat up.

"You used to look just like him to me, but now I know you and I know your face and the only thing you have in common is a similar eye colour and height."

I rolled my eyes. Facially, Sora and I were almost identical. "You're talking shit, Riku. If I don't look at all like him why the fuck did you think I did?"

Riku fumbled with a loose thread on his jeans. "Because Leon told me you looked like him. And I wanted to believe him, I wanted another Sora whom I could love without any guilt, but I wanted you to be like him so desperately I don't think I ever saw you for who you truly are."

I froze. It was all Leon's fault? "Is that why you made out with me in the kitchen? Because you pretended I was Sora?"

Riku gave a tiny nod. I cursed as loudly as I could and stomped out of the room. Before Riku could react, I had opened the front door, strode out onto the street and slammed it behind me. Within seconds I was sprinting down the street as fast as my feet would carry me. I ran from the man who wanted me to be someone else, I fled from the idiotic brother who I had to take care of, and I left behind me the angry, lonely person called Roxas, who hated everyone and everything, himself included.

-x-

_**Spam spam spam: **_**The chapters are a little irregular in length as I like to break them up on dramatic scenes. XD I love finishing on a cliffhanger, it drives you guys crazy.**

**Sometimes when I don't know quite how to progress a story I just sit down and let the characters interact. Sometimes I end up with useless filler like at the start of last chapter, and other times I find myself making groundbreaking revolutions that shape the very universe of my story. This chapter was one of these. I began the story with the intention that Sora and Riku wouldn't be together, but I guess I could never bring myself to stop them from loving each other XD**

**Anyway, thank you guys for reading and reviewing. Your kind words have rekindled my interest in this story, and for the first time in a while it's looking like I might actually finish this thing. I love you guys.**


	7. My Options

By the time midnight rolled around, I was thoroughly lost in the CBD. I didn't want to call home for someone to come and get me, because that would then pose the question of how I ended up there in the first place when I was meant to be at home, and I couldn't catch a cab as I had no money. Going back to Riku's was completely out of the question, so instead I wandered the brightly-lit streets of the nightclub area, wishing for all I was worth that I was old enough to sit down at a bar and forget all of my troubles.

Kicking at a rock, I remembered what Axel had said about Riku being bad for me.

"_So, I didn't mean to sound rude or anything, but did you really hook up with Riku G?"_

"_Er, yeah."_

"_Maybe you should stay away from him, Roxas."_

"_Why?"_

"_Someone like him isn't good for someone as young as you."_

But I kicked that rock harder when I realized that Axel was part of the reason Riku went after me in the first place – because Axel hadn't let Riku have the one person he wanted. With anger, I wondered why all of Cloud's friends were so _fucked up._

I hadn't realized how hard I'd kicked that rock until it rocketed into somebody's thigh and I heard a stranger cry out in pain. I rushed over to see if he was okay.

A boy of about my age looked at me. He had curly, wiry blonde hair that had been slicked back and he wore camouflage cargo pants, which I recognized. I had seen this guy at Cloud's housewarming party.

He glared at me and rubbed his thigh. "What the hell was that for, man?"

"I'm really sorry, dude; I didn't mean to hit you with it." I grovelled. The guy, whose name had slipped me, shrugged and his large brown eyes softened slightly.

"You look a little lost." He said, and I nodded reluctantly. "My name's Hayner. What's yours?"

I looked into his honest eyes and realized that I didn't want to be the angry Roxas anymore. I didn't want to be that stuck-up guy who thought he was smarter than everybody else, but was secretly lonely. Being Roxas hurt too much. I wanted to be a stranger with a stranger's problems that didn't really matter at the end of the day. With a twist in my gut, I took a deep breath and lied.

"I'm Jeff."

Hayner slapped a friendly hand on my shoulder. "What are you doing in this part of town, Jeff?"

Usually a stupid question like that would have drawn a sarcastic answer out of me, but I couldn't think of anything sharp or witty to say. Instead I shrugged. Hayner smiled at me. "Well I don't know about you, but I am looking to get _fucked up_ tonight. You looking to hit the bars?"

I shrugged. Maybe, if I kept my mouth shut, he'd smuggle me away to some dark corner where I could forget what I looked like. Hayner laughed at my shrug and I realized that he was slightly drunk. I smiled.

"Yes. Yes I am."

I'm still not sure how he did it, actually. I remember we were walking down the street, sipping foul liquid from his hip flask like we were gangsters from the forties. Then we were walking in a car park, down a long, dark corridor and suddenly we were in a bar that was dark but there were bright, flashing lights everywhere. The thumping music was deafening. He ordered me a drink without asking me what I wanted, so I handed him some money to cover the cost of the drink but he waved it away.

"First one's on me, dude." He smiled, slapping a friendly arm on my shoulder again. I grinned and took the drink he gave me. I don't really remember what it was, but I drank it and it was sweet relief.

My thoughts swirled in my head as we danced and drank. Fuck Riku. He only wanted to fuck me. Fuck Axel. He was unhappy so he made everyone else unhappy. Fuck Sora. Fuck Cloud. Fuck me. Fuck everybody! We were all unhappy, stupid and horny, fuck us all with a meteorite! Let the sea levels rise! Let the pollution poison us! Let the tigers and the baby pandas die! Let me out of my misery!

The rest of the night is a blur. I remember dancing, drinking the wonderfully foul drinks Hayner kept buying for me and I remember stumbling into the bathroom for a piss but missing the urinal completely. I remember that lights were flashing, music was thumping, and Hayner had a protective arm around my shoulders most of the night.

What I don't remember is throwing up. I don't remember the bouncer kicking me out for being too drunk. I don't remember stumbling around the streets, screaming incoherently. I certainly don't remember being picked up by the police.

What I do remember is waking up in a hard bed with a bright light in my face. My head felt like it was on fire. I rolled onto my side and tugged a rough blanket over my head, groaning. A loud voice was shouting at me from very far away. Something unimportant. I moaned and tried to block it out, but there was a hand on my shoulder, shaking me roughly.

I opened one bleary eye and saw Dad leaning over me, frowning. My head was too messed up to figure out what that frown meant, but I smiled at him. Maybe the previous few weeks had been just a dream, and he was there to wake me up for school. I let out a small sigh and relaxed slightly.

"Hey." I mumbled. My voice was broken, cracked. Just like the rest of me.

Dad sighed and tugged me into a sitting position. For the first time I looked around properly, and my gut dropped as I realized where I was.

The room was small, maybe three by two meters. There were no windows, just a sink on one wall and a small toilet next to it. The toilet was caked with vomit that I supposed was my own. Transparent flexi glass covered the far wall, with a sliding door in the middle. I was in a holding cell.

I looked at Dad and cowered. His face red, his lips tight, he spat a few words at me and I knew that I had fucked up _big time._

"Let's go."

I stood up and nausea hit me like a flying brick, but Dad didn't let me get my head straight. He grabbed me by the elbow and marched me out of the cell. I had to fill out a few forms at a nearby counter and Dad handed over some bail money, but once that was done Dad dragged me out of the police station.

The ride home was a quiet one, which I wasn't sure to be thankful for. I watched the city fly past my window and tried to forget how much trouble I was in, but the churning in my gut and the aching in my head wouldn't cease. If Mum was there she'd be yelling at me as she sped through traffic, but Dad was just staring at the road, knuckles white on the steering wheel, doing the speed limit. I wished that he would yell at me, or hit me, or just do _something. _If he showed how angry he was at me it would save me from being angry at myself.

And I was _infuriated_ with myself. Where the hell did I get off running out onto the street at nine PM? Why didn't it cross my mind that talking to drunken strangers was dangerous? What happened to my distaste for alcohol? And most importantly, how the hell had I let myself get so drunk the police had to hold me in custody for the night?

If the car ride was bad, things got much, much worse when I got home.

Dad sat me down at the table and commanded me to stay there. His voice was quiet but I knew if I so much as shifted in my seat I was going to die. He called out softly to Mum, who entered the room. She was also quiet, and for a second I thought she wasn't mad. But then I noticed how all of the tendons in her neck were visible and how wide her eyes were, and it dawned on me that Mum was too angry for words, which was something I had never seen before. Not even when Cloud was arrested for stealing that car.

I was too scared to silently pray for mercy.

Dad took Mum's hand and led her to the table, where they sat opposite from me. I shrank in my seat, feeling the heat from both of their glares.

For a moment, it was just that. They stared at me, and I cowered. Eventually however, I knew I had to break the silence. If they started yelling, at least they'd get it all out of their systems and cool down. Right?

"Well?" I asked timidly.

Mum took a deep breath, just like Dad had her do when she got very angry, and for a moment I hoped that she would be calm. But then she started to scream.

"_What has gotten into you, Roxas? What the _fuck _were you thinking? Do you ever think? What you did was dangerous, stupid and I thought you were better than that! I am absolutely disgusted with you and I hope you realize there are serious implications to your actions!"_

It was about then that Dad put a hand on her shoulder and she shut up. I breathed a sigh of relief. That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

"Don't think that you're in the clear now, Roxas." Dad threatened when he saw me relax. "I am seriously disappointed in you. Your mother and I were so proud of you and we thought that you were destined for great things, but it seems you've sunk to Cloud's level."

I looked at my hands in my lap. "I know."

"Don't look away from me." Dad growled, and I met his glare. "If you think you're getting out of this without punishment, you are sorely mistaken. You're grounded. No computer, no TV, no leaving the house aside from school or work for a month."

It was pretty much as I expected. Dad went on to say how he was putting the playstation in his closet, and how Mum had already taken all of the books out of my bookshelf. I was allowed to hang onto my dusty mobile phone, however, but I was only to use it when either he or Mum contacted me to make sure I was where I was supposed to be.

But Mum butted with a note that I was not expecting.

"And you are never to see him again."

My eyebrow quirked before I could stop it. "Who?"

My confusion spread. Mum and Dad exchanged a look. "What?" She said.

"Uh… who am I not supposed to see?"

It was clearly the wrong thing to say. Mum slammed her fist down on the table with a loud crash. "That _Riku!" _She spat his name like it was a curse.

At that moment in time, I honestly didn't care if I never saw Riku again. A strange feeling of fatigued hyperactivity swirled in my chest, and before I knew it I was smirking. This was just too damn funny. What did Riku have to do with getting arrested for drunk and disorderly behaviour? "Why?"

Mum stood up, tossing her chair back with a clatter. I jumped slightly. She disappeared into the lounge room for a moment, but came back holding a piece of paper. She slapped it onto the table, and I felt my gut sink.

Printed on that piece of paper was a picture of Riku and I, lying on his bed. Riku was straddling me. My shirt was unbuttoned and the hickey on my neck was pink and shiny. We were both staring at the camera with looks of shock.

"Where?" I muttered, my voice breaking into an octave higher than I had ever heard it "Where did you get this?"

"It was on Cloud's memory card." Mum glared "Which I found in my camera."

I closed my eyes. If I hadn't already died and gone to Hell, I knew for sure that it was going to happen very soon.

-x-

After Mum had calmed down and stopped screaming at me for 'becoming a faggot behind her back', Dad drove me to school. My head was killing me and I hadn't completed the work set out for me on Monday, but Dad figured that a day slaving away at school was good enough punishment for the night before.

I didn't have many friends at school, so only a few people noticed that I'd been absent. I was actually on time for my first lesson, so nobody had to know that I'd spent the previous night in a holding cell. Anyone who asked about the hangover was told that it was just a coming-down effect of the horrible cold I'd suffered for the previous two days. Even the teachers bought it, but they still looked at me with a curious suspicion. The slight bruising around my eye was still noticeable, however, so I told anyone who asked that I got into a fight with a tiger, or a lion, or superman. Each person who asked would then laugh and drop it. But I was grateful I didn't have P.E. that day as I didn't want the other boys in my grade to see my blackened chest and stomach when I changed my shirt.

By lunch time I was fine, though a little unfocused on my schoolwork. I spent that afternoon doodling on my notes in class and trying to forget that my parents weren't mad that I had put my life in danger, but that I had hooked up with another male.

When school was over I caught the bus home as usual. I walked into the house and was greeted by the sounds of Mum shouting at Dad and Dad quietly responding. They'd fought before, though not often, and I was a little shaken when I heard my name mentioned. I went straight to my room and tried unsuccessfully to drown out the shouting with my homework. Eventually things calmed down and I ventured out, but Dad was in one room and Mum was in the other and neither would talk to me.

I spent that evening wallowing in self-pity in my room.

-x-

That Saturday morning, a day later, Cloud barged into my room and woke me up by flicking cold water on my face. I sat up slowly with a groan. My bruises always hurt most in the mornings, I'd noticed, but my heart was heavier than it had been in ages.

Cloud, on the other hand, was in good condition. His grazed cheeks had scabbed over, so the hideous bandages had been removed. The stitches still glinted above his eye, but as it had only been a small cut the doctors had promised that it wouldn't scar too much. The lost teeth had been taken care of with a few false teeth that matched his natural teeth rather nicely and his broken nose had been moulded back to its original shape, or as close to it as the doctors could get. Once the plaster was removed it was revealed that Cloud's nose had actually acquired a rather charismatic bend, and I think it looks rather nice. The neck brace had only been temporary, but Cloud was still a little stiff around the neck and shoulders at that point.

He smiled at me. "Wanna go catch a movie today?"

I sighed and told him about my grounding, but I neglected to mention just how Mum and Dad had found out about Riku and I. I didn't feel like getting all angry over it again.

Cloud sighed. "What a bummer." He muttered, digging around in his pocket. He pulled out his mobile phone and held a finger up to shush me as he dialled a number and held the phone to his ear. I rolled over and tried to zone him out, but I must have gone back to sleep.

Cloud shook my shoulder gently and I sat up, instinctively looking at the clock and realized that I had been asleep for almost an hour. He smiled at me.

"Get dressed, come down stairs and follow my lead, okay?"

I nodded, still dumb with sleep. I have since realized that Cloud always gets me to do the dumbest shit when I have just woken up and am too sleepy to argue. He left me to get dressed.

About five minutes later I trotted downstairs, a little curious to see how Cloud planned to smuggle me out of the house. What I saw was one of the first strokes of genius my brother had ever had.

Kairi sat on the couch, next to Mum. They were talking to each other very quickly, and I realized that they were gossiping about some soap opera. Dad was standing nearby, examining every inch of Kairi with a look of utter disapproval.

"Ah, Roxy baby! There you are." Kairi purred when she saw me. She stood up in one fluid movement, and before I knew it she was hanging off my arm. I knew better than to show how fucking shocked I was. Dad wandered over.

"So, how did you guys meet again?" He asked slowly.

"Oh, I met her through Ri-" I began, but Kairi elbowed me.

"Hut-say up on the iku-Ray" she murmured in my ear. I was totally flabbergasted, as I had never legitimately heard someone speak Pig Latin since third grade, and it took me a moment to decipher her words. Kairi turned to Dad and giggled girlishly.

"I think Roxas forgot for a second there. We used to go to St. John's together, so I guess we've known each other for years."

Dad narrowed his eyes at me. "And yet you've never mentioned her before, Roxas."

I shrugged. "I get shy."

Mum bounded over and practically cooed over Kairi and I, saying how pretty she was, how lucky I was to have her and how I had to treat her right or else she would bury me alive. Kairi soaked up all of the attention like a designer sponge.

It was around that point that I noticed Cloud watching us from the other side of the room, grinning from ear to ear, and I realized that he must have called Kairi over while I was sleeping. He came over and put an arm around Mum.

"These two were going to go on a date today. Roxas was going to take Kairi to the cinema and buy her popcorn and hold her hand for the whole movie. Or at least he was planning to, but I think that I'll have to sit between them so no _hanky panky_ goes on." He laughed and winked to Mum, who nodded happily at everything he said.

Cloud sighed sadly and shrugged dramatically, causing me to cringe at his bad acting. "But Roxas is grounded, and he can't take Kairi out now. And look, she got all dressed up for it too. Her shoes even match her nail polish. Look Mum, see? She's all dressed up but her boyfriend can't take her out because he did a bad thing _ages_ ago."

Wow, did he think I would make such a crappy boyfriend? I wouldn't promise to take Kairi out on a date if I was grounded.

I mentally slapped myself. Kairi was _so _not my type, and we barely knew each other.

_That never stopped you before. _A snide little voice whispered in my head. I shut it out.

As Cloud spoke, Mum waved her hand dismissively. "I'm sure it'll be okay for Roxas to take Kairi to the cinema today if you accompany them, Cloud. It _is _just a date, after all. Right Sam?" She looked hopefully at Dad, who frowned.

"He's grounded."

"But it's just one date."

"Yeah, come on Dad!"

"Pleeeaaasseee, Mr. M?"

"Sam, come on."

Finally, after all the needling and whining, Dad threw his arms up in disgust. "Fine." He muttered, and left the room.

I didn't know it then, but that was the breaking point for Dad.

I spent the next few hours blissfully unaware that as I watched some boring chick flick that my parents were screaming at each other again, but from what the neighbours mentioned later it was much more brutal than ever before. They told me that they could hear them both yelling and swearing, and they could hear Mum tossing dinner plates at the wall in her fury. I munched on sweets as across the city, my mother slapped my father and he packed his bags. By the time I got home three hours later, Dad had already wished Mum a very speedy decline in health and was gone.

It was lucky that Cloud and Kairi came in with me, because I don't know what I would have done if I was alone. When I walked in through the kitchen door, the house was eerily quiet. There were shards of broken plate on the floor, but I just assumed it was an accident and made a mental note to clean it up once I put my things away. The TV, which Mum usually left on for background noise, was unplugged at the socket. Again, I didn't think anything of it and plugged it back in.

"Why's it so quiet?" Cloud asked as he helped himself to a slice of ham from the fridge. I shrugged as I strode deeper into the house, looking for any signs of life.

Eventually, I could hear a light sobbing. Concerned, I followed the sound to Mum and Dad's room and discovered Mum lying on the bed, crying into her pillow.

-x-

The hours that followed were painful. I remember that Cloud held Mum close as she wailed and wailed and I sat out in the street gutter with Kairi, kicking rocks and making small talk. In hindsight, I don't think I even knew that Dad had left, so I just left Cloud to figure it out on his own. Don't get me wrong, I do love Mum, but Cloud had it all under control. As they're so alike I think he understood her strong emotions better than I did, even if he couldn't word it that way. Besides, I was never good at comforting people; I guess I'm not empathetic enough. I figured it would be best for me to stay out of the way until she calmed down.

Kairi was a godsend that day. At first she tried to get me to talk about it to her and confide all my problems with her, but I was never the type to tell people my problems. I had a feeling that she didn't want to know just for curiosity's sake, but that she genuinely believed that talking about it would make me feel better. I prefer to bear my burdens alone, and when I told her that she accepted it immediately and changed the topic.

As I learned that day, Kairi was very like her brother in the fact that she did a lot of reading and had a small library herself. I smiled as I listened to her ramble on about how much she loved the Sex and the City books, because I'd never have pegged her as the bookworm type. That was the day I learned that people are never as they seem. Of course I knew the saying, but I'd never actually believed it.

Eventually, Cloud emerged from the house and sat down beside Kairi and I. His face was grim.

"The verdict?" I asked after a moment.

He sighed. "Dad's gone."

At first I didn't understand. "What, gone where?"

Cloud looked at me directly. "He's left us."

I looked at my shoes. At first, it didn't mean anything to me. But slowly, like water trickling over me, it sank in. Dad was leaving Mum? He was leaving Cloud and I too? I drew my knees into my chest and hugged my legs, resting my chin on my arms. Despair set over me like a heavy blanket.

"Why?" I murmured.

Cloud shrugged. "Mum didn't say exactly, but she said that they'd been fighting a lot recently."

I nodded. "They've spent the last two days screaming at each other twenty-four seven."

"She said they were fighting about you."

I sat up straight. Quite suddenly it felt as if my stomach had been wrenched out of my body. "They _were? _Why?"

Cloud shrugged again and looked away, resting his chin in his hands. "I don't know."

We sat in silence for a while. The whole time I was mulling over the possibility that the whole situation was _my_ fault. How could it be, though? I was a good student with a decent future to look forward to, I was quiet, well mannered and I didn't go to any parties or do any drugs. I had been arrested for disorderly conduct, but that hadn't fazed my parents too much. They had been concerned over something less significant.

And then it hit me.

Was it possible that they were fighting over my fling with Riku? That I had supposedly 'turned into a faggot' when they weren't looking? I glared down at my feet, wondering if it was even plausible. What was there to fight about? That they hadn't raised me right? That I was kissing someone four years older than myself? Glancing at Cloud, I couldn't remember any uproar when he had come out of the closet at fifteen. My parents respected Leon.

None of it added up in my head. So somehow it was okay for Cloud to be gay and not me? I hadn't even established a lasting relationship with any males, so at that point it was unfair to class me as homosexual. I watched some fallen leaves sway with the wind on the bitumen as I again asked myself the million-dollar question. What was I? Heterosexual or homosexual?

But for the first time, I growled at myself. What did it matter? It was nobody's business but my own whom I hooked up with. Why did I have to choose, and why now? Plenty of people didn't start dating until college, so I didn't have to make my mind up then and there.

I stood up and dug my old mobile phone out of my pocket. Now that Mum and Dad were splitting I doubted they had energy to care if I followed my grounding or not, and I was overcome with a fierce need to talk to Dad. If I was lucky he would tell me why he was leaving, or even assure me that it wasn't my fault.

When he picked up, Dad's voice was quiet.

"Hello." He said, but it wasn't a question. He knew I was calling.

"Hi Dad." I muttered. "Where are you?"

"In a hotel. I think I'll be home tomorrow."

A surge of relief washed through me. "You're not leaving?"

"No, I am. Tomorrow I will collect my things."

I froze. "Oh."

"When I find a new place to live I will be filing for complete custody of you, Roxas."

That made me do a double-take. "You're gonna take me away from Mum?"

Dad sighed. "Not in that way. I'd like you to come and live with me."

As it had done so often recently, anger bubbled in my chest. I was not some toddler who could be possessed. "Well that's great and all, but first I'd like to know exactly why you're gone. Why are you and Mum going to break up?"

I heard Dad sigh again. "It is in regards to your relationship with Riku. Your mother and I agreed on your grounding, but she insisted on more severe punishments. She also holds Cloud responsible for introducing you to Riku. Today, when Kairi appeared, she completely went against her word and tried to get me to revoke your punishment."

I actually hadn't expected Dad to offer an explanation straight up, so I listened carefully.

"Homosexuality is wrong, Roxas, and I need you to understand that. Cloud made his choice and he will suffer the consequences for it, but I know you're better than that. Rewarding you for pretending to date a girl will not teach you any decent morals, only that women are there to fix your mistakes. You'd never learn to treat women as they need to be treated; with love and respect. Your mother feels otherwise."

My throat was tight as I spoke. "So... so you guys _were_ fighting over me?"

"No. No we weren't. We were fighting with each other over how to teach you better morals."

But I wasn't listening. My eyes stung and my voice wavered dangerously as the guilt washed over me like cold water. "You were fighting because of me. Because of me and Riku. It's my fault. It's all my fault."

"No, Roxas-"

I hung up on him.

Cloud and Kairi were staring at me with concern. When I started to cry they were on me like children in an orphanage would be over a giant teddy bear.

Looking back over this story, I've noticed just how many holes there are in my memory. I don't remember many little things, and even though all this happened just a few days ago I don't actually remember when Axel arrived. I still don't know why the hell Cloud thought it would be a good idea to call him over while Mum was on the couch in her bathrobe, eating ice cream right out of the carton and crying along to _Titanic._ I say she was crying along because I don't think she was even watching it, just wailing along through the happy scenes, sad scenes and boring scenes. I couldn't even hear the actor's voices over hers, so I put the subtitles on after a while.

It's actually pretty disturbing to hear your mum cry for a hundred and ninety seven minutes straight if you're not used to it. I'd only heard her cry twice before that day, once when Cloud came out of the closet and once when her cat died when I was nine. I was pretty shaken up from my own episode and Kairi was mentally exhausted from trying to comfort us both at the same time, so I guess Cloud figured that Axel would brighten the mood. Or at least, I think that was his intention. I'm still not even sure if he was the one who invited Axel or not. It might even have been me.

As I said, I don't remember when Axel got there. I was curled up on the couch a few spaces away from Mum, staring at the screen blankly. I looked about after a while and he was sitting with Cloud and Kairi on the floor. I think I might have blinked at him a few times, but eventually settled for staring at the TV and listening to Mum wail.

So at this point you might think that we were all pretty heartless, just letting her cry. Maybe I am, but Cloud and Kairi definitely aren't. I figured that she'd cry herself out after the first fifteen minutes of the movie, but when she didn't I wasn't expecting her to go on much longer. Axel, I guess, just sat there awkwardly and didn't know what to do.

But this is where I need to stress the fact that Cloud and Kairi aren't heartless like me. They care. Cloud got Mum her ice cream, coffee when she finished that and cuddled up to her when she stopped crying, and Kairi put on Titanic when she figured that Mum just needed a good cry to get it all out of her system.

Sometimes it seems to me like all females are linked telepathically and often have conversations with each other without even speaking. I've seen Mum and Kairi have wordless conversations since that day, and it's crazy because they haven't even known each other for a week but they get each other so completely.

I digress. Eventually, the movie finished and Mum stopped crying. It must have tired her out, because she fell asleep on Cloud's shoulder a few minutes after the movie finished. We quietly debated over moving her to her own bed but as we didn't want to wake her, Cloud carefully eased her head from his shoulder and propped her against a pillow. The four of us crept from the room.

We holed up in my room, with Axel sitting at my desk, Cloud lounging on my bed, Kairi sitting cross-legged on the rug and me slouching against the door. It seemed a little quiet so I popped a random CD into my dusty player and kept the volume low. I never was much of a music nut, but the jazzy music on low eased the tension a little bit.

"So will someone tell me what's going on?" Axel asked Cloud as I fiddled with the CD player. "You didn't exactly tell me what was up when you texted me."

Cloud began to tell Axel about the situation and I zoned out, not really wanting to hear it again., but it was over before too long. The redhead sat back in my chair and stared up at the ceiling, blowing air from his cheeks, mulling the new information over silently.

"That royally sucks." He muttered eventually.

Cloud sighed heavily. It was odd to see him so down. "What should we do?"

Axel shrugged. "My parents are still married, so I don't really know how this sort of thing works. Sorry dude."

Cloud looked at Kairi. "What about you, Kairi?"

She shrugged, just like Axel. "Never knew my dad, so I don't really know either. I'm here for you guys though." She smiled.

Cloud flopped back onto the bed. "Fuck." He hissed.

Axel leaned forward, propping one of his shins over the other. "It's not the end of the world though, Cloud." He said hopefully. "Just because they don't love each other anymore it doesn't mean that they don't love you, right?"

"I read that saying in a self-help book once." I murmured and Axel winced.

"Just trying to help here."

"Maybe we should just let them do what they want." Cloud spoke up.

"Run its course." Kairi agreed.

I sighed. Mum and Dad _had _been fighting a lot recently. I wondered if I was missing Riku yet. I hadn't seen him for three days, normally a break like that would be driving me mad. But then I remembered how Riku had never really wanted me in the first place, and I decided that I definitely didn't miss him yet.

I did wish he was there though.

"Anyway, what the hell should we do now?" Cloud asked. "We can't just hole up in here all weekend, and I don't really like the idea of leaving Mum all alone here."

I shrugged. "It's not like we can cheer her up. Could you imagine taking her to the zoo or something? It would be a disaster." I sighed. "Apparently Dad's gonna swing by to pack up all his junk tomorrow."

Cloud looked at me oddly. "What did he say when you spoke to him?"

Regretfully, I filled everybody in on the details of my conversation with Dad. When I finished, Kairi was lying on her stomach, Axel had his feet up on my desk and Cloud was hunched into a small ball at the end of my bed.

"Custody battle? Jesus."

Kairi piped up. "Roxas, you're legally a minor but the courts should regard sixteen as an age of maturity. They can't just fight over you like some coveted toy; I think that you'll probably get some choice as to who you live with."

I groaned. "What if I don't know who I want to live with?"

"I've known people to spend one week at one parent's house and another at the other's." Axel mentioned.

"But I don't want to have my shit scattered across the city. It will be like I'm never at home. And besides, what if Dad decides to leave town? I'll be forced to choose then." I kicked at the wall with more frustration than intended. "I don't want to choose one of them."

"Well, you could always come and live with me?" Cloud suggested. I cringed.

"Where would I sleep? On the couch? With _Riku?_ No thank you."

Axel frowned. "I thought you'd patched things up with him."

I sighed. "Well, we had. But… well, I don't think I want to see him anymore."

Kairi's concerned gaze met mine. Obviously Riku wasn't man enough to tell anyone why I didn't want to see him anymore. Axel, on the other hand, was nodding in a satisfied manner and I felt a strong hatred rise in me. I fought down the urge to stab him with the nearest pointy object.

"So Roxy moving in with me is ruled out." Cloud said, thankfully changing the topic. I knew better than to be grateful though, because I was certain he would grill me for details later. "Maybe I should move back in?"

Axel rolled his eyes. "If you're going to do that then why the hell did you move out in the first place? Five bucks says Leon doesn't want you to go."

Leon. Another guy I had to add to my I-will-hate-you-forever list.

Cloud sighed. "Yeah, true."

Axel turned to me. "Why not come and live with me?"

I thought about it for a second. I'd known Axel for exactly a week, but he seemed almost like a better brother than Cloud. However, he was part of the reason Riku had screwed me over so badly, and I wasn't sure if I could forgive him just yet. Besides, Axel lived in a two-room hovel and didn't even have a couch for me to sleep on. No bloody way would I share a bed with him.

"I don't know if your sleeping arrangements could accommodate for another person. Plus, I make like fifty bucks a week. No way could I help you cover your rent." I said eventually.

He shrugged. "Just offering."

Cloud and Axel looked at Kairi expectantly. She shrugged. "I live with my mum and we just barely get by as it is. I can't offer a bed to Roxas without asking her first."

I was a little disappointed at first, but I slapped myself. At last someone in the room was showing signs of having some kind of brain.

I cleared my throat. "Well, I guess that settles it. I'll stay here for the mean time and let Mum and Dad duke it out in court." Sticking my head in the sand wasn't the optimal way to get by this crisis, but it was a way and that was all I needed. "It's not like I need to take drastic actions right this second anyway."

We settled into a comfortable silence. Kairi picked a book from my shelf and began leafing through it. Axel fiddled with his phone. Cloud looked like he was about to fall asleep on my bed. And I just sat and watched everybody, feeling that this was the peace before the storm. On top of my troubles with Riku I now had to go through my parents divorcing, but I couldn't help but smile to myself when I realized that the three people in the room were more help than I had ever had.

Yeah. The last two weeks had taken many things from me, but I knew then that I had gained something too. Something important.

Eventually, Kairi's phone rang. She answered it and chatted for a few minutes, finally hanging up and informing us all that her mother was asking her to go home. Axel sighed and said that he'd probably get a move on too and offered to take Kairi home. Cloud and I showed them out of the house, but before Kairi got into Axel's car she ran back to me and gave me a surprisingly tight hug for such a little girl. Cloud and I waved at them as Axel backed the car out of the driveway. With a final hoot, my only real friends were gone.

I have to give it to him, Cloud didn't waste any time.

"What happened with Riku?" He asked as we turned back to the house. I sighed.

"Can we not?"

We climbed the stairs together.

"Come on dude, what happened?"

I went into my room and Cloud followed.

"I don't want to talk about it."

He shut the door behind me and looked at me pointedly and I knew that resistance was futile.

I flopped down onto the bed with a sigh. Where to even begin with this one? Rubbing my eyes, I cleared my throat.

"Do you remember Reno?"

Cloud sat at my desk and for a brief moment I was reminded of that Friday evening a week ago when I had sat at the desk and Cloud had flopped on my bed to tell me about Riku. I chuckled despite myself.

"Axel's brother? Yeah, I heard the story from Leon. I never met him though."

"And you know that Riku hooked up with Sora shortly afterwards?"

"Sora? What does he have to do with anything?"

"He was there. In the crash."

Cloud's face lit up. "Oh! That actually makes sense."

I laughed without humour. None of it did. But I went on to tell Cloud how Axel had guilted Riku into believing it was his fault that Reno had died. I talked about how Sora became like forbidden fruit for Riku and how he came to think of me as not a replacement but a substitute. Of course, I used much more simplistic language than that. I'm not sure if Cloud would understand what I meant by 'forbidden fruit'.

When I finished talking, Cloud was wearing a thoughtful frown. He thought hard for a few moments. It looked painful.

"You know," He began eventually "That's not how I heard it."

I sat up slightly. A crash can sometimes be hard to remember, especially if it was a long time ago, but I had never considered that Riku's version of events was not exactly true to what actually happened.

"What did you hear?"

Cloud shrugged. "Well, I heard from Leon who heard from Sora that Riku was actually in the front seat during that day. He said that Riku had actually reached over and wrenched the wheel to miss a stray cat or something, and that's why the car rolled."

I gaped at him, trying to wrap my head around what he'd just told me.

Could it be true?

"So you heard from Leon who heard from Sora? Is it possible some of the details got mixed up?"

Cloud shrugged. "I guess it could be. But Leon was pretty sure that was what Sora told him."

"Is it possible that Sora remembered it wrong?"

He sighed. "I don't know for sure, but that's the gossip. I only know what I heard on the grapevine. But all I do know for absolute sure is that Axel and Riku fucking _hate _each other these days."

I nodded. "All Axel ever did was tell me that Riku was bad for me. Sora said the same thing, but I figured it was for a different reason."

Cloud sighed. "I wish I knew about this sooner, Riku needs a really good talking to."

I eyed the roof unhappily. I didn't think that Cloud getting into a fight with Riku would solve anything. Riku was his roommate so I figured it would be best if they remained on good terms. My mind gently ticked over my problems, examining them from every angle. What could I do about Riku? But did it matter more than my parent's pending divorce? Which mattered to me more? I figured I at least had some control over the situation with Riku – I could choose to forgive him or I could walk away. Mum and Dad would drag me to court whether or not I liked it.

I listened to Cloud tapping away at his phone as I again wondered who I would live with if given the chance. Mum was more opposed to the homosexuality thing and more likely to punish me if it did turn out I liked boys better than girls. But Dad was right about not rewarding me for pretending to date Kairi, even though that was not my idea. His logic made more sense to me, but if I lived solely with Dad I wouldn't be able to get away with half the shit I had until then. My primitive desire to remain close to my mother did influence my thoughts a little, but I knew if I lived with her I'd miss Dad too.

If either of them moved I wasn't sure how that would affect my decision. Cloud was the only person I'd remain in the city to be close to – I was pretty confident I could keep in touch with Kairi over social networking sites and Axel over the phone.

I sighed and rolled onto my side, closing my eyes. Worrying over it all was not doing me any good. Whether I liked it or not, one of my parents was going to take me away from the other and I couldn't bring myself to choose between them.

Eventually, Cloud rose from his seat. I rolled onto my side and watched him stretch lazily.

"I'll be back soon, I just have to go home and do a few things." He said.

I shrugged. "Cool."

Cloud shrugged at me, looking slightly nervous. "Just things, you know, like laundry, dishes, mopping the floor, cleaning the toilet… Things."

I chuckled blandly. Cloud never helped out here so I was willing to bet he wouldn't help out at his new place.

He eyed me off looking increasingly worried. "I'm not going anywhere else, you know. Just home, and then I'm coming right back. So if you need me when I'm gone, that's where I'll be. At home." He laughed nervously.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "You suck at lying, dude, what are you _really _doing?"

Cloud flinched. "Just cleaning, okay! I'm not doing anything else!"

I sighed. This was going nowhere. "Fine, but please be back soon."

Cloud moseyed towards the door.

"Cleaning… and scrubbing… and stuff."

I threw my pillow at him and told him to get the hell out.

-x-

**Derp****: The plot thickens!**


	8. My Breakdown

After Cloud left I fell asleep and woke up just before dinner time. Mum was still out cold but I didn't want to wake her, so I just made myself a sandwich and spread out my homework on the kitchen table. As much as I hate homework I really don't know how I'd ever get by without it – it distracts me so well.

Cloud hustled in through the front door when I was about halfway through my homework and shouted my name.

"Shut up, Mum's sleeping!" I hissed, but he threw something at me.

I glanced down at the paper Cloud threw next to my plate and I choked on my sandwich.

"What the hell is this!" I snapped when I had cleared my airways. Cloud grinned proudly and reclaimed the paper.

"This, my darling Roxy, is the form that states my last name has formally been changed to Strife." He grinned, waving the paper about. "No more being boring old Cloud McCartney. I am now Cloud Strife! Isn't that awesome?"

My head sunk down to rest on the table with a clunk. "You're causing _me_ strife." I muttered under my breath. Cloud asked what I'd just said so I lifted my head up and rested my chin on the table. "At what point did that seem like a good idea?"

Cloud shrugged. "I submitted the form weeks ago, but it's only just arrived today. I've never liked our last name, Roxas. Now that I've grown up and flown from the nest it's time for a change."

I sat up and gave Cloud my best you-are-a-fucking-idiot-glare. "Firstly, you have not 'flown from the nest'. You're here every second day and you still get Mum to do your laundry. Secondly, do you fully understand the implications of changing your name?"

Cloud laughed and made a mocking 'woo' sound, waving his fingers dramatically. "'Do you fully understand the implications of your actions, Cloud?'" He asked, putting on a silly imitation of my voice. "Since when did you get so smart?"

"Since when have you been so fucking stupid?" I almost shouted at him. Cloud flinched a little and I sighed. _Go easy on the retard, _I told myself.

My tone was almost gentle when I continued. "Look, do you know that all of your forms of identification are now out-dated? You have to change the name on your bank card, your driver's licence, your rent arrears and don't even get me started on your car's registration. Your passport will also need updating and that will take months of filling out forms to complete."

Cloud's face sunk further with each task I listed. I felt a little bad for him, but when I remembered that he had dug himself into this grave I cut the sympathy. My brother had just done yet another idiotic thing that proved he was mentally challenged.

"Boys?"

Cloud and I turned to see Mum leaning against the door frame, eyes heavy with sleep. I swore under my breath when I realized that I must have woken her up by shouting at Cloud.

"Hey Mum, how are you feeling?" Cloud asked gently.

Mum shrugged carelessly, but I could tell from the dark purple shadows under her eyes she was anything but careless.

"Wanna talk about it?"

She sighed and ran a hand through her rumpled hair, taking a seat across from me. "I guess we'll have to, but not tonight. Want some food?"

I declined, but Cloud was hungry. They cooked some nuggets and chatted about trivial things as I stared at my homework as if it were written in another language. Eventually they sought after the numbing comfort of the television and I found Cloud and I sitting on either side of Mum, watching some puke-inducing soap opera. I couldn't remember the last time I watched TV, but for once I didn't actually care that I was watching mind-rotting rubbish. That night I was just tired of feeling and thinking.

I felt almost like I was strapped into a rollercoaster. Not overly because my life had become a mess of ups and downs, which it had, but more that I had absolutely no control over what was happening. I was going wherever that rollercoaster was taking me and I would get there when it was good and ready to take me there. I'd made my choices – some dumber than others – and it felt like I was strapped in with only a flimsy Velcro belt until the ride had stopped, but I was at risk of being flung to my death until then.

A little melodramatic? Maybe. I guess I can fall back on the universal 'being a teenager' excuse as I was only sixteen at the time. That was less than a week ago, though, so I'm hardly wiser or worldlier than I was that Saturday evening.

None of my contradictory musings stopped me from wishing that I could just walk away from the disaster that had become my life.

That night I went to bed at about nine thirty, but sleep just wouldn't take me away. I tossed and turned for hours but never had I felt more awake. As the hours trickled by, Saturday became Sunday and I became almost delirious with sleep deprivation. Eventually I tumbled out of bed, sick of waiting for sleep to come, and turned on my light. I found a loose sheet of paper floating about on my desk and idly wrote my name at the top, next to the date. I started down at the paper for a minute or so, wondering if I should write anything. Wondering if I was going to write anything.

When my pen did finally hit the page, my wrist flicked lazily and a letter emerged from the scrawl. I watched on in mild curiosity as my pen formed words without me telling it to.

"_If I had one wish I would wish"_

My wrist stopped.

Just what would I wish for?

Maybe I should wish for a jet plane. Then I could fly around and be cool. I pondered over that for a moment when I realized that I didn't know how to fly a jet, nor did I have enough money to fuel it or cover mechanical expenses. I threw that idea in the proverbial waste basket.

Money crossed my mind for a brief moment. Being rich meant I wouldn't have to go back to my crappy burger-flipping job. I could have whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. But when I remembered that people often became monsters when money was involved I decided I didn't ever want any more than I needed. What one too lightly achieves he too lightly esteems.

Happiness. That would make a good wish. But my mouth turned to the side with distaste as I stared down at that mockingly blank page. Happiness wasn't something to wish for, but to be actively pursued. I wasn't Cinderella, taking crap from the step-family until my fairy godmother hooked me up with a rich and loaded prince to carry me off into the sunset. I didn't need someone else to rescue me to make me happy, and if my fairy godmother was anything like Cloud I'd honestly be better off without one.

I sighed and lowered my pen. It wasn't like there was a busy genie breathing down my back to hurry up and make my damned wish so he could get back to watching Grey's Anatomy.

It was then that inspiration struck, seemingly out of nowhere. I picked up my pen.

"_If I had one wish I would wish to go back to the start of this mess."_

I'm not into self-harm, but if I went back twelve days in time, I would take steps to avert this disaster.

I wouldn't lead Riku on or allow myself to be strung along, I wouldn't toss my morals and standards aside in the heat of the moment, I wouldn't have nosed my way to the bottom of the fucked-up well and I wouldn't have caused my parents to break up. I wouldn't have gone planking with Cloud, I wouldn't have gone to his house party and I wouldn't have talked to Leon on that breezy Wednesday afternoon two weeks ago, even though it seemed like years ago now.

As I clambered back into bed, I decided that was where it had all began. I spoke to Leon and set off a chain of events that had turned my world upside down. Considering how peaceful my life used to be, I doubt I'll ever forget these past few weeks. Though I'm still not sure if that's a good thing. But I still wished I could go back to that Wednesday afternoon and keep my trap shut.

-x-

The next morning, Mum was uptight and jumpy. She pretty much shat her dacks when I walked into the kitchen and said good morning to her. But when I asked what was up, she pulled her typical cryptic female tone and told me not to worry about it.

I did start worrying when a car drove past and she burst into tears.

Eventually she calmed down and started to drink cup after cup of coffee. She was on her fifth cup when Cloud came downstairs and said hello – she dropped her cup and it shattered all over the tiles. I suppose five cups of expresso does not mix well with apprehension and nerves. Mum tried to sweep up the broken glass but her hands were shaking too badly to hold the broom. Cloud looked at me and for the first time ever I could tell what he was thinking by his expression.

"_You get this cleaned up and I'll get her cleaned up._"

I nodded and smiled, a little bewildered. As I swept up the glass I wondered if this meant Cloud and I had become females overnight – we actually had a wordless conversation. Or Cloud gave me wordless instructions. Did that mean that he was female but I was still male because he could send the messages and I could receive them? Hmm. Clearly there needed to be some more research done.

Eventually the glass was all cleared away and I heard the shower running. Cloud emerged, face strangely ashen grey.

"Wanna come watch a movie at my house?"

I shrugged. "Didn't we agree to keep Mum company? We can watch movies here, right?"

He sighed. "Dad will be here soon and Mum wants you out of the way."

I eyed the floor, feeling my face heat up from rage and humiliation.

"I'll get in the way?" I asked quietly.

"No, it's not that. She doesn't want you to see them fight."

I glared at Cloud and for a second I was struck by how innocent he really was.

"No, she wants me out of the house so Dad can't take me away from her. She had no problem with letting me see them fight before."

Cloud looked at me questioningly and I swore. It hadn't even taken me a day to become nothing more than a pawn in their game. I grabbed my phone, keys and wallet and clambered into Cloud's car as I sulkily figured that would be a good way to choose which one I wanted to live with – I'd pick the one who didn't use me to get at the other. Fail that, I'd pick the one who used me the least.

For a moment I had to choke back a tear of self-pity. But suddenly the sadness was replaced by a fierce anger and indignation. No way would I let either of those pricks use me the way Riku had. I was not a damn toy to be played with or fought over.

Ah, Riku. For a second I'd forgotten that he was probably going to be at home on a Sunday morning. I chewed at my nails as we got closer and closer to our destination. The trouble with my family had driven him clean from my mind – I'd forgotten how mad I was with him and I still had no idea what to do about the whole Sora thing.

Life hates me just as much as polar bears hate baby seals, and when I got there I was thrown right into the thick of my troubles.

-x-

It began well enough, the same way car accidents do. One moment you're fine and the BAM. Truck grill tearing its way through the middle of your car. BAM. Rolling over and over. BAM. Flames everywhere.

One moment I was walking through the door, physically intact, mentally not so much, when BAM.

Sora looked at me.

If I was a puppy that was my cue to spontaneously combust under his glare. As it was, I was just a teenage boy and all I could do was cringe.

"Oh. _Hey there_." He sneered at me. I gawped at him like an idiot.

I felt Cloud bristle behind me. "Leave him alone, Sora, we've had a bad weekend."

Sora looked like he was about ready to rip me a new asshole, but it seemed to click that Cloud was much bigger than him and was actually athletic. Fortunately he realized that Cloud wouldn't be a total pushover like I was, so he backed down and slunk up the stairs.

"Wanna watch a movie or something, Roxy?" Cloud asked. I shivered at the déjà vu but went into the lounge room and began to pick my way through the DVDs. Finally I settled for Lord of the Rings: Two Towers. Why? Because I liked it.

I had no idea where Cloud had vanished off to, but I sat down and made myself comfy. This was going to be like a second home while my parents duked it out over me, so I figured I should just get used to spending time there.

For a while, it was good. But then I heard the shouting.

I muted the movie and tried to listen in on what was going on, but the voices were still muffled. I sighed as I disposed of the idea that I would ever be at home in this building and crept out of the room and to the base of the stairs, but there I could only make out snippets of the fight.

"-Stupid idea-"

"-Fuck you man!"

"-And if you think-"

"-Relax bro!"

"-I don't care-"

Before I knew what I was doing I was slowly sneaking up the stairs, until my eyes could just peek out onto the level above. I could see that the fight was taking place in Riku's room and the door was slightly ajar, though I couldn't see in. From there I could hear them much better, but everybody was talking over each other so I couldn't figure out who was in the fight or what it was about.

Eventually, one voice screeched above the others.

"EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The resulting silence was deafening.

"This isn't solving anything." I heard Leon's voice clearly, and for a moment I was stunned that he could actually form a coherent sentence. I hadn't heard him talk properly in a while. "If you guys are going to act like children I will treat you like them."

There was a pause.

"Whoever holds this hand weight gets to talk, and nobody else. If you want the hand weight you have to raise your arm in the air like this, but no talking out of turn."

"Fine."

"_Shut up do you have the hand weight?_" Leon barked in a single breath. I stifled a giggle. "I will hit you with this I swear."

I can only assume that Cloud took the hand weight because it was he who spoke next.

"'Kay, first of all, Riku, you are being a total scumbag about this. What does me not buying fresh milk have to do with any of this? Just because you had a fight with Roxy it doesn't give you the right to kick me out of my own home."

I froze. What? Riku was trying to kick Cloud out because of _me_?

"Maybe I don't have a job yet, but just because I'm a little behind in the rent department it doesn't mean you can act like you're better than me." He continued, and I let out a sigh of relief. Knowing Cloud, I probably had nothing to do with why Riku wanted Cloud out.

There was a moment's silence as I assumed the hand weight was passed over. It was Riku who broke the silence.

"So let me begin by saying you are the biggest idiot I ever had the misfortune to meet, dude. You don't help out with any of the chores or bills and don't tell me you are trying to get a job because you aren't. I don't give a shit who you're related to – Roxas' brother or not, this is my home too and Leon and I don't have to carry your sorry arse. The only problem I have with you and Roxas is that he's downstairs now, sulking about like he owns the place. Hey-!"

I'm guessing that Cloud snatched the hand weight.

"Roxas is here because our parents are fighting over custody of him. He's here so that they can't get to him and use him to hurt each other. For fuck sakes, Riku, he's just a damn kid and he has nowhere else to go. You had no problem with him being here when you were trying to get in his pants."

"Hey man, fuck you, okay, just-"

"You're such a fucking hypocrite-"

"Guys! Enough!"

Silence. I was suddenly aware that I had the urge to throw up.

Surprisingly, it was Sora who spoke next. I'd forgotten he was even there.

"What Riku is trying to say is that he doesn't want you gone because of Roxas, but because you're a lazy shit. Roxas is no better."

I bristled on the stairs. How dare that psychotic little fuck say that? I was far from useless.

"That was a bit uncalled for, man."

"What, so you're sticking up for him now?"

"Well he _is _still my friend, Sora."

"You told me he didn't want anything to do with you!"

"Guys."

"I said no such thing. We're definitely nothing more than friends."

"_You didn't tell me that."_

"Guys!"

"Goddamnit, Sora, why are you such a jealous prick?"

"Fuck you, Riku, you always fuck around behind my back-"

"GUYS!"

Silence. I discovered I had the sudden urge to sit down or else my legs would give out beneath me. I sat on a slightly higher step a little more forcefully than I meant to, and it squealed loudly in protest.

My heart stopped in my chest.

"The fuck was that?" Someone mumbled as Riku's door opened. I looked up guiltily as Sora stepped out into the hallway and stared down at me.

"Uhm.. Hey." I grinned sheepishly.

Murder flashed through the brunette's eyes.

-x-

"So run me through this again."

"Roxy, I told you already."

"Well I have yet to understand it."

"Fine. One more time."

"Why the fuck did they kick you out?"

"Because Leon is a piece of shit."

I'd never actually thought I'd live to see the day when Cloud badmouthed Leon to me. They'd always been such a great team in the past.

"So you were a useless lump over there and Riku ganged up against you with Leon?"

"That's pretty much the jist of it."

I kicked my feet up onto the dashboard, just the way Mum hated. But it was just Cloud and I in his car and he didn't mind. My brother was oddly sombre, clutching the wheel and staring at the road as if he had constipation. I knew it was just his way of dealing with pain though – once the shock wore off he would coop up in his room and cry quietly. He'd been with Leon for a number of years though, so I doubted he'd come out for days.

I made a mental note to walk to the shops and stock up on ice cream and chocolate for Mum and Cloud, and to get a few preheated meals so I wouldn't starve either. I watched the city breeze by through the window and wondered if I'd be treated as a personal slave, but given the shitty circumstances I really couldn't make myself care. It was about time I started acting like I had a heart and not just a dick.

"What a shitty day this turned out to be." I mused aloud. Cloud didn't respond to my voice, so we finished the journey in utter silence.

I really didn't know what to expect when I got home. Maybe the house would be empty and Mum would be crying on the floor. Maybe she and Dad were fighting dramatically and breaking shit. Perhaps they were cuddling on the couch and vowing to never fight again.

Instead, when Cloud pulled into the driveway, everything was quiet. The TV was off and the doors were locked. It was only about twelve thirty, so I supposed it was possible for Mum to be having lunch at a friend's house or something.

I wanted to just hide in my room and sink into my chair with a book, but I did my brotherly duty and helped Cloud unload some of his stuff from the car. He'd packed his shit in a haste while I was sent out onto the street in disgrace ("Hopefully he runs away again" Sora had sneered), so Cloud only had two bags of swag. We'd carted them up the stairs and into his room when Cloud turned to me and gave me that I-want-to-be-alone look, so I retreated downstairs, grabbing a random book on my way down, and made myself a cup of peppermint tea.

I was about halfway through Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief when Mum's car pulled into the driveway. I slammed my book onto the table and rushed to the front door to let her in, but stopped dead when I saw that she was with Dad.

He smiled at me. "Hey, son."

I fought the urge to glare at him. He never called me 'son'.

"Where have you guys been?" I asked, not caring if I sounded rude.

Mum smiled at me and I relaxed – she didn't seem angry or upset at all, but looked rather cheerful. "We were just having a coffee date. Is that alright with you?" She teased.

"Um, yeah." I muttered, letting them pass. I was still mad at them both, but it seemed like they were on good enough terms now. Perhaps they wouldn't break up after all.

The Life of Roxas would make a good soap opera, as the problems between Mum and Dad weren't going to die down and never be spoken of again. For a while, we played 'Happy Families' and it was okay. Dad cooked some pasta for the four of us; though Cloud never came down to claim his bowl. The three of us sat down and watched some stupid sit com on the telly, which actually drew a laugh or two out of me. It was a little stiff and awkward at first, but as the hours trickled by each of us began to relax. I almost forgot that there was a dark, brooding Cloud above us.

I make puns, see? That's just how relaxed I was. It was stupid of me to let my guard down so soon.

Thinking of Cloud, I wondered if either of them knew what had happened that day. I figured it was important for them to know that he was going to move back in, and he wouldn't be able to tell them until he calmed down – a few days, at the least.

"Oh, guys." I piped up during an add break. Mum and Dad looked at me. "Cloud, he got into a fight with Leon and Riku today, and they kind of kicked him out. He's pretty much barricaded himself in his room."

Mum and Dad exchanged weary glances.

"He only lasted a week?"

I didn't want them to think badly of Cloud, so I decided to stick up for him in his absence. Act like a real brother for once.

"Well it wasn't really his fault, y'know." I said, scrambling for words "Leon didn't initially want him to leave, but then Riku got on his case and he gave in."

I could have replaced 'Riku' with 'Satan' and gotten the same effect.

"That Riku, what a foul boy." Mum said.

Dad nodded. "He seems like a bit of a prick."

"Disgusting." Mum muttered as the TV show came back on.

I stared at her, stomach churning. Everything in my mind screeched at me to back down, not rise to the bait, but before I knew it I was speaking.

"What did you say?"

Mum glared at me and I glared right back.

I've reflected on the following minutes numerous times in the last few days, and it was like there was two of me. There was my body, sitting on the couch and feeling angry, picking fights with my parents, and then there was my mind, floating gently in a bubble of worry, but totally unable to reach the controls for my body.

_Shut up Roxas this will only end badly_

"I beg your pardon, Roxas?"

_Oh man don't say anything_

"You said something was disgusting."

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit_

"And?"

"And what the fuck did you mean by that?"

_Oh Jesus I know I was never faithful but will you please shut me up before I say anything else_

"Watch your language, Roxas!"

"You were calling me and Riku disgusting, weren't you?"

_You sound like a preteen girl man shut the hell up stop it_

"No I wasn't-"

"Yes you were!"

"Stop being so bloody rude."

"Stop being so fucking stupid!"

_Holy shit man this has gone way too far _

"Don't you dare speak to your father that way!"

"I'll speak to him however I damn well want!"

_Oh Mum I'm sorry I said that please just kill me now_

"Go to your room!"

"No!"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

My body flung itself from the couch, flipped the bird at my outraged parents and lumbered up the stairs. I slammed the door shut and crumpled to the floor, finally back in control of my body and my rage.

I ran my hands through my hair. What the fuck had I just done? Why had I been so damned rude to my parents? What the hell was wrong with me?

For a while, I just lay on the floor in the foetal position, face buried in my hands, breathing laboured. I felt horrible. But eventually, my tensed muscles relaxed and my breathing slowed. The horror and rage faded into a dull pain, right between my ears. I tried to cry, figuring that it would help relieve stress, but for once the tears just wouldn't come.

Eventually, I sat up. I considered lying on my bed or sitting in my chair but then decided that I didn't want to be comfortable, that I didn't deserve it. So I stayed on the floor for a little longer.

Why had I been so angry? My calm mind began ticking over the fight methodically, analysing what I could remember of my thoughts and emotions. I had been a little irked that they were picking on Riku so much, but as I considered it more I wondered why that was. Riku _was_ a prick, and he had damned near broken that cold heart of mine. Why should I care what others say about him?

"_Well he _is_ still my friend, Sora."_

Ah, right. Riku had defended my name in my absence, so I suppose I had subconsciously wanted to return the favour. I didn't see how burning bridges in my family was doing anyone any good though, so I decided that my debt to Riku had been paid.

More importantly, I decided, I was scared that Mum was still disgusted with me for showing any signs of homosexuality. She's my mother and I value her opinion, and I suppose I didn't like her being ashamed of me. Until that week I was her star son; the quiet, studious one who did chores without being asked and never ever disrespected his parents. But with the appearance of Riku I was suddenly gay and disobedient.

It wasn't until later I figured out that Mum didn't hate Riku simply because I had kissed him, but because she could blame my recent attitude problems on him. My parents dealt with this sudden rebellion in different ways – Mum blamed it solely on Riku, whereas Dad believed that the problem was in me and nobody else. Me, I figure it was a mixture. I wouldn't have stretched my horizons and rebelled without the stress Riku had put on me, but I could have chosen to deal with it in a better way.

But those revelations were unknown to me at the time. That afternoon I just sat on my floor and felt sorry for myself.

Well, I sat on the floor until I heard the shouting coming from downstairs. With a sinking heart I realised that Mum and Dad were fighting again, and this time there was no doubt that it was my fault.

Forgetting my desire to be uncomfortable, I fell onto my bed and cried into my pillow. It seemed like nothing I did was ever right, but was destructive beyond all measure. Everything I touched turned to crap. Maybe I should just do the world a favour and never come out from my room again.

Let my parents fight over me, I decided. Neither of them deserved to be burdened by me.

My dramatic lamentations were interrupted by a beep. I dug my hand into my pocket and pulled out my phone. The screen was lit up cheerfully with a message alert.

I smiled despite myself. Maybe all wasn't lost just yet.

-x-

_**Author's will and testament:**_** Okay, okay, I know, I know, sorry about the MASSIVE wait for this chapter. I had a little apology on my lookup and everything. In the last month I've endured sickness, injury and computer problems, but I have overcome all of the setbacks. I am an iron author. Well, not really. But thanks for your patience, dudes and dudettes.**

**Fun trivia: The scene with Cloud's name change was actually written ages ago. I want to say… chapter three-ish? A year ago? I just couldn't fit it in anywhere as it's kind of pointless, but it's nice to actually include it somewhere. XD And Roxas' wish scene was one of the first scenes I planned out – in fact, this fic was titled **_**One Wish**_** until I changed the title at the last moment to something a little funnier. The root file on my computer is still called **_**One Wish**_**.**

**There you go. More useless background info that I hope you find a little entertaining. X3 No author ever told me just how much behind-the-scenes work there is to a long story! And hey, reaching eight chapters makes this the longest story on my account. ^_^ Silly story behind that too, but I need to quit the rambling. Ask if you're interested, but for now, have a good day and thanks for reading this far. :D**


	9. My Recovery

Sneaking out was easy. My bedroom has a large window that just happens to have a large tree within jumping distance – I damn near broke my neck trying to get a grip on that thing, but once I was certain I wasn't about to slip and die it was a simple matter of just climbing down. As much as I always wanted a dog, I was grateful there was no barking guardian to alert my parents that someone was in the driveway.

After barely ten nerve-wracking minutes waiting out on the street, a red car pulled up. Axel hung his head from the window.

"Hey stranger, need a lift?" He grinned. I returned the friendly gesture and clambered into the passenger's seat. Hopefully my parents wouldn't notice my absence, but the note I had left on my desk would assure them I was safe and had my phone on me. I doubted I would take any calls though.

I chatted casually with Axel as he drove, as if we did this all the time. Truth be told, I had no idea where we were going, or if we were even going anywhere. The mystery made it all the more thrilling, I suppose.

After a fifteen-minute drive, Axel pulled the car to a stop at the train station. I looked at him curiously – were we going to skip town or something? He laughed and clambered out of the car, so I followed suit.

"I wanna show you something really cool. Lock your door, this car doesn't have electric locks." Axel said over the roof of the car. I locked the door and followed him.

We walked the path towards the entrance to the station, but at the last moment Axel swung off onto a narrow dirt path that led to the side of the building. The bushes grew close to the wall, but there was enough space for us to squeeze through. I guessed that the path would have been completely invisible from the road. For a second I chuckled – were I with Riku I would have brought a rape whistle.

The path circled the building, and we eventually came to a rusty old door. Axel pulled a hairpin out of his pocket and got to work on the lock, busting it in about twenty seconds.

"This lock is my bitch." He grinned, and I laughed. But I stopped when he pushed the door open – beyond it loomed a total darkness that seemed to stretch on forever.

"We're not going in there, are we?" I asked, sounding braver than I felt.

Axel nodded. "We are. Well, you are. I need to go grab something really quickly."

He pushed past me and I grabbed at his arm. "I'm not going in there by myself. No fucking way."

Thankfully, Axel was too mature to tease me about my fear of the dark. He shrugged and handed me his phone. "It has a flashlight function, let it guide your way."

Axel slipped away as I fumbled with the phone. It was one of those fancy smartphones, so I had no idea how to use it. Eventually though, the light clicked on and I peered into the darkness.

God, it was even creepier in the light. A long corridor stretched before me, turning off about four or five meters in. The walls were thick with rust and years' worth of grime, and the floor was littered with fallen plaster from the ceiling, more dirt and more dust. A thin path had been worn into the floor with use, but the rest of it was just a few bloodstains short of something from Silent Hill.

I sighed. Couldn't Axel have just taken me somewhere cool that didn't require walking through dark scary hallways, like the zoo? But I stepped into the creepy hallway regardless. I trusted Axel and Axel wouldn't send me into a zombie-infested corridor with only a smartphone to protect me. Zombies had no fear of smartphones. Vampires wouldn't care either. Man was I screwed if a bat-loving blood drinker was hanging from the ceiling by their toes just around the corner. Or maybe there were mean ghosts, just waiting to float through the walls and suck my soul. Werewolves? Mutants?

After a few seconds of shuffling along in the dark quite unharmed, I sighed. _You're being a goddamn pussy._ Quite suddenly I felt the fear melt away – So what if the corridor looked scary? It was just a damn corridor. There were no monsters waiting to eat me.

I began to walk briskly. The corridor turned off into a staircase – I looked up and peered through the grill of the staircase above me, only to see more grills. There was a decent gap between each step too, so I wouldn't worry about under stepping and losing my balance. As I began to climb I mused that the gap was just big enough for monsters to reach through and grab my ankles, but none did.

I've never been the fittest of people, so when I reached the third staircase, thoughts of monsters were all long gone. But the steps kept coming – soon I'd climbed five, seven, ten flights of stairs. Each flight covered half a level, I figured, so I guessed it was at about six storeys up that the stairs finally came to a concrete landing. I peered over the rail and down the tiny gap between the stairs, shuddering at the darkness of the sheer drop beneath me. Gladly I stepped out onto the concrete landing.

The door was not locked, thankfully, but when I opened it the sunlight was like a flood. I was blinded for a moment. I looked back into the dark hallway, shielding my streaming eyes. But when I opened them again, the darkness loomed before me and a chill ran down my spine. A little spooked, I stepped out into the light.

When my eyes adjusted, I found I was standing on a frighteningly narrow walkway that twisted around a corner several feet ahead. Barely two feet wide and with no safety rail to speak of, to my right the concrete rose up another few storeys and to my left a chilling drop loomed. I peeked over the edge and let out a very girly squeak as I noticed just how high up I was.

Once again, I had to mentally slap myself. But I couldn't help but wonder, what the fuck was Axel thinking, taking me to this place? Did he know I didn't like the dark and wasn't so good with heights? Was this his way of punishing me for something? This place was dangerous and scary. If I wasn't still puffed from climbing so many stairs I would have climbed back down right then and there.

But I didn't, and for that I suppose I can only be glad.

Just around the bend was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my sixteen years alive. The sunset was magnificent. The setting sun glimmered behind fluffy clouds that were illuminated a warm red – the hills below were bathed in a spectacular orange glow and the city beyond glinted in the light. But above the sun the sky shone fantastic shades of orange, yellow, and finally a deep blue and purple. If I looked away from the dazzling sunset I could almost make out faint pinpricks of light glimmering in the sea of purple sky.

I don't know how long I stared. The sun never moved, as if that one second was to stretch on for an eternity, encasing me in a warm, safe bubble of orange light and complete serenity. I remember musing that if it were possible to drown in that warm light it would be the most pleasant way to die.

"Beautiful, huh?"

I jumped. Axel was standing right behind me. He laughed and placed a friendly hand on my shoulder.

"Come on, your feet must be tired."

He dumped himself on a small safety wall I had completely overlooked, dangling his legs over the terrifying drop carelessly. For a second I was horrified that he might fall, but Axel had good balance. He gestured me to sit down beside him.

Very carefully, I did.

For a while, we just watched the sun sink ever so slowly. It seemed right, just sitting there with Axel. We didn't speak for a while, but not because we had nothing to say, it was because we didn't need to say anything. As cheesy as it sounds, I didn't feel burdened by my problems anymore.

Axel broke the spell by reaching into his coat pocket. He pulled out two wrapped ice creams – the kind on the stick. He offered one to me. I grinned and accepted it, but frowned slightly when I read the label on the wrapper – "Sea Salt Ice Cream"

"What, don't you like this flavour?" Axel asked as he tore the wrapper off his.

I quickly consoled him. "No, it's not that. I've never tried this kind before, and it just seems a little weird. Salty ice cream?"

Axel bit into the corner of his and sighed contentedly. "Man, I don't know how it works either but it just does. Try it – but if you toss it away you'll never know what you're missing."

I shrugged. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Unwrapping the ice cream, I tucked the rubbish in my pocket and tentatively licked the corner. For a moment it tasted almost like I had just licked something that had been dipped in the ocean. Not a bad taste, actually, but I didn't see how I could make it through a whole ice cream without dying of dehydration. But then the saltiness melted away, replaced by a gentle sweetness that almost caressed my tongue where the salt had burned it.

Needless to say, I finished off that sucker rather quickly.

Axel laughed when he saw I'd finished my ice cream. "Whoa, Roxas, did you even chew that thing?" He slapped my shoulder as he laughed, and for a sickening moment I thought I was going to fall. "Those ice creams are amazing, aren't they?"

I laughed as the colour returned to my cheeks. "Thanks, man, it was fantastic. Why aren't these things everywhere?"

Axel shrugged. "They're made locally, and I suppose the people who make them never sold the recipe or properly advertised. Re-" His voice cut off suddenly, but regained volume a second later, like nothing had happened "Someone I knew told me that the makers of the ice cream intended them as a sort of gift to the people who shop at their store – they're dirt cheap and you can only get them from the one place." He pointed down at a neat street of shops below "See there, the one with the red flags out the front? That's where you get them."

I nodded, making a mental note to go that way more often. I just had to have the magical ice cream again sometime.

The conversation pittered out again, making way for a comfortable silence. The world was slightly darker now with the horizon glowing the faintest traces of red. Purple dominated the sky, revealing many more stars. Because we were up so high, I assumed, we were above the light pollution, and the sky above me glistened like broken glass.

For a moment I was struck by just how unreachable the sky really was. To someone lying on their back on the ground, it seems almost like you can just reach out your arm and touch it. It stretches above you, and if you stare at it long enough the sky seems like it's only just out of reach. Up on the clock tower, I felt the same inertia – it seemed like no matter how high up I was, the sky would always dance just above me and no matter how far I reached, it would be just out of my grasp.

"I used to come here with my brother." Axel said, quite suddenly. His voice made me jump slightly. "We used to come here for years, before he passed away in an accident." I wondered why he was telling me that Reno had died, but then I remembered that I had only heard the story from Riku, and Axel didn't know that I knew.

I looked over at my friend, and he was smiling at the horizon. But it wasn't a happy smile – the faraway look in his eyes made him seem wistful, almost sad.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's okay. He used to sit right here." He tapped the brick he was sitting on. "We used to come up here sometimes after school. He would usually buy me a sea salt ice cream, too."

I smiled, wishing Cloud and I had bonded like that. "Reno must have been something."

Axel chuckled. "He was. We didn't look much alike when I was young, but every day I look a little more like him, even though I'm now about three or four years older than he was when he died. I think it was the tattoos that did it."

I looked at the diamond shaped tattoos on his cheeks again. "Why did you get facial tattoos, anyway?"

Axel sighed. "Reno had some similar tattoos – they were red lines, just along here." He ran his finger in a curve around the edge of his eye socket. "They looked almost like scars, or scratches. He went to a sleepover when he was fifteen and came home the next morning with no idea why his face was so sore." Axel laughed, eyes glazed over with the memory. "Apparently he and his friend had pinched a bottle of whisky from the family pantry and had some fun with a needle and a red pen. They were horrible tattoos too, all wonky and blotchy."

I laughed with him. "What did your parents say?"

"Man, my dad almost decapitated him. Marched him down to a clinic somewhere and tried to force him to have them removed. But Reno was a rebellious guy, and he never really got along with our father, so one afternoon he skipped school and went to a tattoo parlour to have them fixed up a little." He rubbed at his chin. "And I gotta say, they looked pretty cool once he'd had them evened out."

"But your tattoos are more like clown makeup."

Axel roared with laughter, so much that I began to worry he might lose his balance and fall. But he straightened himself out and wiped a tear of mirth away from his eyes.

"Well, with half a bottle of whisky in you, it seems like a fantastic idea. At least my drinking buddies had proper tattoo equipment, though." He chuckled "I don't remember any of it, but one of my mates remembers me rambling on about how I wanted to get tattoos like Reno, to sort of honour his memory. But the funny thing is I think Reno would be more proud that I got drunken tattoos that actually look nice, rather than the fact that I got facial tattoos at all. It closes a lot of doors, y'know."

I nodded. Employment opportunities for those with tattoos on their face, hands or neck were rather slim.

"Anyway, I always used to have shorter hair, but Reno had this gigantic pony tail that almost went down to his waist. In recent years I've never had the time or the money for a luxury trip to the barbers, so my hair's gotten a bit longer." He flicked at a few spikes thoughtfully. "But the longer it gets, the more I like it. Might hold off a bit longer for another trim."

"Reno sounds like he was a cool brother."

"He was. The best brother anyone could hope to have."

Axel's cheerful reminiscing sunk with the sunset, leaving him pensive and slightly moody. After a while, I risked nosing in a little further. Axel didn't know how much I knew, so hearing the story again wouldn't hurt.

"How did he die? If you don't mind me asking."

Axel sighed. "I was waiting for you to ask that. No, I don't mind." He assured me quickly as I tried to apologize. "It was about six years ago now. Reno was seventeen. He'd just gotten his driver's licence, so he was always driving me and my friends around everywhere. Those were the days when fuel was cheap, y'know?" He chuckled.

"Well, in those days, I was tight with Sora, Riku and Leon. Kairi used to hang out with us on occasion too, but she was a 'dumb girl' so we didn't pay her much mind. Leon and I are still pretty good friends, but these days I'm not overly fond of Riku or Sora." His tone sharpened a bit upon saying their names, almost as if he were cursing.

"I would have been about fifteen years old at the time. I looked up to Reno so much – we all did. The four of us wanted to be just like him. And Reno was a good role model, I suppose. Didn't drink much, didn't smoke or do drugs and was supportive of all of us… good role model." He smiled, but broke off into a sigh. "The only problem Reno had was his ego. With four young teenagers treating you like you're God, it made sense that Reno wanted to impress us. I don't think he ever realized that just by hanging out with us, we were impressed. He never had to try to make us like him – all he had to do was act like himself and give us the time of day. But he never saw that."

There was a moment's pause.

"When Reno got his driver's licence, it was the coolest thing we had ever seen. Reno could take us wherever we wanted, whenever we wanted, and there were no parents to boss us around or limit the fun. Reno would often take us to the edge of town and give us turns driving along an old, unused dirt road. Leon and Sora never quite picked it up, but Riku and I took to it immediately. Riku was so good at driving he eventually got cocky. And that, I suppose, was Reno's biggest mistake."

"What do you mean?"

"Riku was so good at driving; Reno decided that hey, maybe it was time to let Riku get behind the wheel in the back streets of the suburbs. For a while that was cool – Riku would never get above forty in the suburbs, cruising the streets. I remember being insanely jealous that Reno would let Riku drive in town and not me. We got into a fight about it one day – I was mad that Reno was favouring Riku, and Reno got mad right back at me."

"Why was Reno mad?"

"I suppose it was because I was making a fuss over nothing. But maybe he was mad because I was right – Reno and Riku always did get along so well."

He sighed, long and wistfully. But he braced himself and continued.

"It actually happened right after our little spat. Reno drove around, picking the gang up, when it began to rain. Riku insisted that he wanted to drive in the rain as practice. Reno initially argued that the conditions were too rough for a learner driver, but Riku was adamant. Eventually, Reno gave in. And our fate was sealed."

I was stunned. Riku had been driving when the car crashed? It was all his doing? He had killed Reno? As I shuffled through my thoughts, Axel was quiet for a long time. So long that I thought he wasn't going to tell me anymore. But he started talking with no prompting after a minute or so.

"The back streets were flooded, visibility was low, and Riku was going twenty, tops. Reno sat in the front seat, coaching him along. Sora and I sat in the back, keeping an eye out for cops. I remember that Leon was lucky enough to have some unfinished homework, so he wasn't allowed to go out with us that day. But anyway, Riku was making good progress, until something spooked him."

"What was it?"

"I don't know, maybe someone ran out in front of him, or maybe another car got too close. I really have no idea. All I remember was the car accelerating suddenly, violently. Reno was yelling something like 'Brake, Riku! Brake!' But then the car was turning sharply, and we were rolling."

"Why was Riku accelerating?"

Axel sighed. "Apparently he mixed up the brake with the throttle. A common mistake for learner drivers to make, really, but quite easily one of the most dangerous things they can do. I don't know why he swerved, but the speed and the water made the car slip out of control so quickly. When the car came to a stop, the car was on its side and Reno and I were pinned in place. I was sitting behind the passenger's seat - that was the side the car came to rest on. I think I must have blacked out at some point, because all I remember is Riku shaking me and calling my name."

I watched Axel, who watched the glowing city below us. Night had well and truly settled in, and the city below us glistened as if it were reflecting the stars above.

"All I could think about was Reno. Was he okay? Riku couldn't get him to wake up. At some point the authorities took him and Sora away, and I was trapped in that car for half an hour, staring at the back of Reno's head, watching the blood soak through his hair and hoping that somehow he would be okay."

"The official time of death is listed as 5:38 PM – while Reno was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I was strapped into a bed in a different ambulance, but in the end the only thing wrong with me was a broken leg."

I patted Axel on the shoulder. He looked directly at me, and in his eyes I saw the look of calm regret. "It always bothered me that I wasn't with him when he died. And that I never got the chance to apologize for that stupid fight." He shrugged and looked away. "For years I beat myself up over it. It got to the point where my mum found me tying a noose around my ceiling fan, and she sent me away to some mental rehab thing. And what do you know, it worked." He smiled. "It sucks that I wasn't there when he died, but Reno was unconscious the whole time so I don't think he minded my absence. And the fight was silly and he knew it, so I suppose I have been forgiven already."

I couldn't help but wonder about Riku though. He had never mentioned to me that he had ever driven Reno's car, let alone that he was the one who crashed it.

"What about Riku?"

Axel glared at something I couldn't see.

"Riku is both a coward and a fool." Axel spat. "He earned himself a number of criminal charges for the accident – driving without a licence, driving recklessly, manslaughter and apparently he and Sora had been sneaking some shots that afternoon so he was a little tipsy when it happened. Riku spent about three years in a juvenile prison upstate, but was released for good behaviour a couple of years ago. It's all on his record though."

I scratched my chin, my thoughts swirling. Nobody had ever mentioned that Riku had spent time in prison! How had that escaped the gossip? I decided to dig for more details. "But how does that make him a coward?" I asked thoughtfully.

"He never faced up to what he had done. He fought against the DUI charge, argued that he had not been driving the car at the time despite two witness accounts and his fingerprints on the wheel, tried to push the manslaughter down to some bullshit reckless endangerment charge… just stupid things like that. Apparently he bit a guard on his first day in juvie. But above all that, Riku could never look me in the eye again. He never apologized, never asked me how I was doing and never mentioned the accident ever again. If prison ever came up in conversation, all Riku would talk about was his appeal. If anything else was mentioned he would change the topic, and clammed up at any sight of confrontation."

I stared into the sky above with total disbelief. That wasn't the Riku I knew. But then I realized that I hardly knew him at all. My eyes closed involuntarily. I wondered what I was supposed to be feeling, but at that time all I felt was numb. My mind ticked over the details, quickly comparing the details Riku had shared with me to the story Axel had just told. The differences were actually quite profound.

Firstly, there was the issue over who was driving. I knew I couldn't take either of their stories to be the absolute truth, but I believed Axel when he had told me Riku was the one driving. They had agreed that it was bucketing down, but Riku had claimed the car had come to rest on its roof, whereas Axel implied it was on its side. I remember Riku also telling me that Axel had been screaming and crying in pain, but Axel claimed to have no memory of it. I supposed it was possible for them both to be correct. The mind has been known to block out memories of intense pain.

But the most important thing they had both told me is that Reno had died. No amount of thinking could change that.

"And Sora?" I asked "Why don't you like him anymore?"

Axel rolled his eyes. "Some people are suited to playing the victim and others aren't. Sora is a smart, capable guy, but when Riku got shipped off to juvie he just crumbled. I'd heard that they'd hooked up while I was still trapped in the car, which is fine I s'pose, but Sora was so fucking biased. He was one of my best friends, but he wasn't there when I needed him. Hell, he didn't even go to Reno's funeral. But he was there when Riku went to juvenile court, he went to visit Riku when he was shipped away and he was waiting for him when he eventually came home. It disgusted me how he could treat Riku so well and totally ignore me. But, to be fair, Sora was eleven when the crash happened."

"Eleven!"

"Yeah. He was just a little tyke. Rather immature, too, but I suppose we all were when we were eleven. But if I could go back in time and stop Sora from getting mixed up in the accident, I would." Axel smiled ruefully at me "Eleven is a tender age, y'know? It must have been hard for him to watch Riku get dragged away in chains, and I suppose I wasn't the nicest person to be around in those days. But still," He shrugged "being eleven is no excuse for showing no compassion."

It struck me as funny that Axel wished he could go back in time, not to save his brother, but to save someone he now hated. Thinking on it now, that is such an Axel thing to say – He cares about people. Even when he says he doesn't. He has to have the biggest heart of anyone I know.

I scratched my chin, bringing up more memories of what Riku had told me. Apparently Axel had been angry with Riku for loving Sora. "Were you mad that Sora and Riku were together?" I asked.

"Nah, why would I be? I thought it was good that they had each other, but I was just a bit pissed off that I'd become the third wheel. And for the record, I didn't give a shit when they broke up either. I actually hoped that we would somehow all be friends again, just like in the old days, but I guess I wasn't ready to forgive Riku." He chuckled quietly. "The world had moved on by that stage – Reno was gone, Leon had introduced us all to some nut named Cloud and we had all learned firsthand how to be bitter. I guess it was that way I learned that innocence is a lot like trust."

"How so?"

"Well, when you lose it, it's fucking impossible to get back." He hunched, glaring down at the glittering city. "Ignorance truly is bliss, and we were the happiest idiots on Earth."

I sighed. "Axel, I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt in that way."

He shrugged. "It's okay. Really, it is. The hurt, those feelings, they were dealt with a long time ago." He chuckled uneasily "I don't know what brought all this on, actually. Must be the setting." He tapped the brick he sat on, almost fondly. "I haven't been up here for a year or so."

I smiled with him. "That's a shame, because it's fucking beautiful up here. Would you show me how to pick a lock sometime? I wouldn't mind coming up here again." I paused, realizing that the tower had been Axel's special place. He might not want me intruding. "That is, if that's cool with you." I mumbled.

Axel laughed. "Sure thing, Roxas. It's a bit dark to see now, so I'll show you sometime in the daylight."

I smiled, looking into those big green eyes. Yeah, I decided, he definitely wears contact lenses. No way were his eyes that green. "I'd like that."

He reached out and patted me on the shoulder in a brotherly fashion.

Yeah. All wasn't lost just yet.

Just yet.

-x-

**Graffiti on the wall:**** Woah, twists and turns! Poor old Roxas has been having a bad week, so I figured he was overdue for a little ice cream with his good friend Axel. And where else to do that but the station tower?**

**I wanted this set in some random city, but with the inclusion of the station tower you guys are all probably thinking of Twilight Town now. And Twilight, true to name, is only a town. As far as I'm concerned if a town is big enough to have its own train station solely for the purpose of public transport, it's a city. Don't question my logic because you'll only end up confused.**

**Aaanywaaayy, review please! Even if it's just a few words, I'd really appreciate the gesture.**


	10. My Choice

Finally, we reach today. Well, technically I suppose it was yesterday, as it is now past midnight. But my internal calendar is based on when I wake up and fall asleep, so as far as I'm concerned it all happened today.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. My parents hadn't noticed my absence the night before, and sneaking in was a cinch because when I got back Dad was gone and Mum was asleep on the couch. I don't believe Cloud had left his room the entire day, and had no idea that Mum and Dad had been on good terms until I had fucked it up again.

It felt good doing as I pleased, but I couldn't help but feel a twist in my gut. A month ago I would never have dreamed of sneaking out. A month ago I didn't really feel alive, either. I hummed cheerfully to myself as I was getting ready for school this morning. Eventually I decided that I felt good enough to wear the only piece of jewellery I owned to school – some kind of leather necklace that held an abstract silver pendant, which seemed to resemble something different to everybody. To me it looked like a kind of skeleton key. Cloud insisted it looked like a puppy.

All in all, it was an ordinary morning. Considering I had just lived through the worst weekend in my entire life, I was feeling pretty decent. Not quite cheerful, but I didn't mind the prospect of going to school. I was a bit behind on the homework situation, but as it was the first time in forever I was sure my teachers wouldn't kill me.

Mum and Cloud were both sleeping when I left the house that morning. I remember thinking that Mum looked so peaceful, sprawled out on the couch. Feeling a little sentimental, I brushed her fringe out of her eyes and pecked her on the cheek, hoping that her dreams were nice.

I got to school, went to class, blah blah. A friendly acquaintance asked me how my weekend was, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had been to Hell and back in two days. I told him my weekend was nice and asked how his was. The morning classes were slow, as they always were. I completed most of the questions off the board, for once. Things picked up a little after recess, but I was still a little surprised when a campus administrator came into my classroom and asked me to follow her.

I jokingly asked her if I was in trouble, but she replied that I had a visitor. I chuckled under my breath – the way she'd put it, it was like I was in prison. I wondered who my visitor was. Maybe it was Cloud, dropping by to say hello. Or maybe it was Dad, coming to tell me that he had sued Mum for custody of me and I was to head to his hotel after school was out. For a moment I even wondered if it was Axel or Kairi, coming to whisk me away from my boring day.

Nothing could have prepared me for who I saw, standing in the office. When I walked through the door, he turned to me with a surprised look on his face, as if he hadn't expected to see me. He smiled.

"Riku?" I asked "What are you doing here?" My gut churned. Last time I had properly spoken to Riku he was admitting that he never actually liked me. I fought the urge to turn and run away again. I put on my best poker face and stood still.

Riku sighed patiently. I noticed suddenly that he was wearing all black – black skinny jeans and a black long-sleeved dress shirt that clung tightly to his figure. Even his shoes and socks were black. His long, silver hair had been tied back into a low, respectable pony tail, with thin silvery wisps framing his face. I remembered Riku wearing dark colours, but I'd never seen him decked out entirely in black before. He looked either ready for his first day of work at a law firm, or a funeral.

"Don't you remember, Roxas? Your mum asked me to collect you from school today so that we could attend the funeral."

Luckily enough for me, I had my poker face on. I stared at him, wondering if he had gone completely mad. There was no funeral that I knew of, and my mum certainly didn't want me hanging around Riku.

Riku's patient exasperation intensified into a glare for just a second, and it clicked.

_Play along._

"Oh! Oh that's right." I laughed sheepishly. "I forgot that was today."

Riku turned to the administrator behind the desk, speaking with a gentle tone that seemed to reach each corner of the room. I'd forgotten how he could be persuasive when he wanted to be. "Anyway, here's the note Mrs. M gave me. If you want you can call her, but she's a little emotional today and would rather not be disturbed, if you know what I mean."

The lady scanned the note and smiled sympathetically. "Of course, my dear. Roxas, go and get your school bag, and I am deeply sorry for your loss."

I smiled graciously at her. "Thank you ma'am. I'll be back in a moment."

Riku smirked at me as I turned to leave. "Nice necklace." He quipped.

Barely five minutes later, I was in Riku's car and we were pulling out of the school car park.

"Alright, what's going on?" I asked. I hadn't properly spoken to Riku for almost a week, so I wasn't sure if I should still be mad. I decided to take up the defensive, just in case.

Riku glanced at me briefly. "We really need to talk."

I sighed. Isn't that what people said to their partners before they broke up with them? I was never sure if Riku and I were ever actually together, but if we were we had certainly parted by that stage. Though I wondered why he needed to drag me from school just to talk to me.

"So talk." I mumbled.

We didn't drive far. Riku pulled into a café car park a little way down the street. He killed the engine and turned to me, still in his seatbelt.

"First of all, I'll have you know I was worried sick about you last Wednesday night." He snapped with a sudden fury. "I drove around looking for you for hours, until I eventually called your parents at midnight and told them you'd run away."

I eyed my hands in my lap. Shit.

"The three of us searched for you for hours, Roxas. Eventually we tried the police station at about 4am but you were passed out and we couldn't have you released until morning."

"I'm sorry." I mumbled. And I was. My parents had only been mad at me for hooking up with Riku, so I'd forgotten what a stupid thing running away had been.

"Damnit Roxas, do you know how many people get mugged in that area? The streets are writhing with human filth, just waiting for a chance to snatch up a nice, cute young boy like you." He reached out as if to slap me and I cringed, but instead his fingertips stroked my cheek, almost tenderly. His tone was slightly gentler as he spoke, but still retained the angry tone "Jesus, Roxas, I was so fucking _worried_ about you. How such a smart guy can be so bloody irresponsible is just beyond me."

For a moment, I sank into his touch. But then I remembered _why_ I had run away, and the anger came back to me like a fire over hot coals. I slapped his hand away.

"Don't talk to me like you care so much!" I snapped, and for a moment Riku looked shocked. "You said it yourself. The only reason you liked me was because I reminded you of Sora. And I saw him at your house yesterday, I heard you guys talking, and from what I heard you guys are happy with each other. You have Sora back, why do you need me anymore?"

Riku smiled at me, shaking his head like I just didn't get it. The condescending manner only increased my anger, but somehow Riku managed to shush me.

"You know, Roxas, you're such a fiery guy. So impulsive, so angry… you ran out on me before I had a chance to explain."

I folded my arms, pursing my lips into a tight line. Knowing what I knew, Riku could explain away until he was blue in the face and it wouldn't make any difference.

"This had better be good."

"A week ago, I admitted that I originally thought of you as a new Sora. I don't remember the exact words anymore, but you got pissed. Rightly so. Were I in your position, I probably would have beaten the crap out of me. _But you never let me finish."_

I sighed, wanting nothing more than to be out of that car. "So finish."

"At first I thought of you as a new Sora. At first. But then I actually got to know you, and I realized that you were nothing like Sora."

"Dude, you knew me for like a week. You don't know me."

"Roxas, I think I know you in ways that nobody else does. You're lonely." I looked away, refusing to award the fight to him. But Riku continued. "You never admitted it to anyone, least of all yourself, but you never had many friends and that always bothered you. I don't know all of the details, but the reason you were so eager to get with me was because you were unbearably lonely. And the reason I was so eager to get with you was because I was really lonely too."

"Ugh, fine. So I was lonely. You were the first person to ever approach me in such a manner and I had no idea how to deal with it. So what? Just because I needed you doesn't mean it's cool for you to use me."

Riku sighed and flicked at the wisps of hair framing his face. "I know, and I'm sorry for that. But after I got to know you a little, I didn't want you to be like Sora anymore. I guess I'd fallen for you, for who _you_ are. The reason I told you about Sora was because I felt so bad, and I wanted to set the record straight." He sighed. "God knows I've lied enough in this life."

I didn't really know what to think about that. In the week I had spent convincing myself to hate Riku, he had been sorry for what he had done. Maybe I had been a little harsh.

Riku continued, "Roxas, I don't like you because you look like Sora. You guys don't even look alike to me anymore. I like you because you're smart, witty, deep and very mature." He reached out and touched my face again. He gently stroked his thumb under my eye, almost as if he were wiping away tears that weren't there.

I watched his fingers and wondered what I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to fall down in tears and allow him to sweep me off my feet and carry me into the sunset? Was I supposed to push him away and shout how much I hated him?

In the last week, I'd come to think of Riku as subhuman. From all the bad things Axel and Cloud had told me about him, as well as the unfavourable things our relationship had done to my family, Riku had become a twisted monster in my head. But I couldn't actually remember a time when he had betrayed my trust – Sure, he'd pushed me into things I wasn't quite ready for, and he had admitted to doing it for all the wrong reasons, but when I looked into his light green eyes I wondered if he would ever deliberately hurt me.

We all make mistakes. Riku had made one horrible mistake on a rainy afternoon six years ago, and all of his friends were still suffering from the consequences of his actions. He wasn't a bad person, either – until Cloud had been kicked out for being useless, my brother had liked him. The only reason my parents hated him was because they were homophobic. The reason Axel hated him…

"And besides, Sora isn't himself anymore. He's changed something dramatic."

Curiosity killed the cat, but I couldn't help but pry. "How so?"

Riku sighed. "In my absence he's become such a bitter person. He hides it well, but I hurt him once and he will never forgive me. Sora used to be someone so full of light and love for everybody, but he's become rather twisted recently." He sighed. "And I only have myself to blame."

What a burdened guy.

I shied away from Riku's hand. He retracted it, looking a little sad.

"Well, if you wanted to set the record straight, I guess I should too." I said. Riku gazed at me in confusion. So much had changed in a week. Where to begin?

"What happened?"

"Well, remember that photo Cloud took of us at the party the other week? My parents got a copy somehow. I am grounded for a month for 'turning into a faggot behind their backs'." I said, miming the quotations. Riku looked horrified. "Apparently Cloud being gay was okay because he was never going to go anywhere in life. But when Dad picked me up from the police station that Thursday morning, the only reason they were mad was because apparently I suck a lot of dick."

"Roxas, that's awful." Riku murmured.

"Apparently I am never to see you again. Well, that went pretty well, didn't it?" I asked sarcastically, sweeping my hand across the dashboard. Riku smirked.

"They started to fight so much, well, they're going to see a divorce lawyer today. They stopped fighting for a little while yesterday, but they badmouthed you, so I kinda went off." I shrugged sheepishly.

"Thanks for that, man." Riku smiled. I smiled. We were all good.

"Then I saw Axel."

I saw it in Riku's eyes – he knew exactly where I was going with this.

"He smuggled me out of the house and took me to some place quiet, just so I could get away from my problems for an hour or so. We had some ice cream and chatted for a while, but eventually the topic turned to Reno."

Riku's eyes hardened, still watching me talk with a straight face. I shivered.

"Axel told me what Reno was like, about his tattoos, and how he still misses his brother all these years later. But the craziest thing he told me wasn't that he didn't mind when you and Sora hooked up and broke up, it wasn't that he doesn't like either of you anymore, but that you were the one driving Reno's car that afternoon."

Riku's face was completely blank, aside from the corner of his mouth, which turned downwards ever so slightly.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were the one who killed Reno?"

I didn't even see him move, but with a lightning speed Riku reached out and slapped me across the face. I tumbled back into my seat with a gasp. That fucker had pimp-handed me, and pimp-handed me hard. I think I can still feel the stinging on my cheek, fifteen hours later.

I'd never seen such raw fury in anyone's eyes when Riku stared at me. I cowered, clutching my face, knowing that if I was no match for Sora, Riku could quite easily have killed me. For the first time, I was afraid of Riku. Thankfully, he abstained from killing me, holding his anger in until it collapsed on itself. He was very silent and still for a few moments, trying to get a hold of himself. Eventually he did, and flumped back into his seat with a sigh.

"I did not kill Reno, and I had no obligation to tell you I did." He said dejectedly.

"But you were driving?"

"Yes, I was. It was stupid of me to drive under such rough conditions, but I was a cocky little shit back in the day."

"So you did kill him."

Riku glared at me. "Fer' fuck sakes, Roxas, I am not a murderer. I was just a brat who made a terrible mistake. It was just human error." He gazed at the building in front of us without really seeing it. "Even the police said it was just an accident." He murmured defensively.

It was then that I realized Axel was right about Riku. Even six years later, Riku still had yet to take responsibility for his actions.

"Okay, so it was just an accident. But you didn't tell me the real reason why Axel hates you. You fed me some bullshit about him hating you for being with Sora, but in reality it was you who hated yourself for being with him."

That was when I'd crossed the line. Riku glared at me, and though he wasn't about to hit me again the anger in his eyes was armed with a fierce hatred. For those few seconds, Riku hated me with a fiery passion.

"You're a nosy little prick, Roxas." He snarled "Why the fuck is this your problem, anyway? Everything was fine before you came in and started sniffing about."

"I… well, that is-"

"You know what your problem is, _Roxy_?" Riku spat at me "You think you're so fucking perfect. If someone makes a mistake or messes up you never forgive them or forget about it. Y'see, that's what humans do. They make mistakes. They change their minds. They can't control how they feel. But your cold black heart just can't comprehend that."

I wanted to jump out of the car, slam the door and walk away. I wanted to punch Riku. I wanted to do something. _Anything. _But I couldn't defend myself against his words, because we both knew he was absolutely right.

Riku clamped his mouth shut and looked away. I felt the tears prick in my eyes, watched as the scene before me faded away. Riku's handsome face melted away into a pale blur, his beautiful green eyes becoming nothing more than faint shadows in the mess. His slumped form faded and contorted in front of me before snapping back into perfect focus as a tear dribbled down my cheek.

He sighed at me tiredly. "Don't cry, Roxas."

I sniffed. "You're right, you know."

Riku glanced sideways at me with a sympathetic half-smile, as if to say that he knew that before I did. The first tear dripped from my chin and another quickly replaced it.

"S-so what now?" I stammered as the tears flowed freely. "We go our separate ways? We make up? You have to t-tell me these things, Riku. I don't know how to do this."

Riku pulled himself upright wearily. "Evidently not." He smiled at me, but it was not the same loving smile he had given me as he stroked my cheek. It was then that I first began to think I had blown it, but I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

"Axel told you that the crash is still affecting his life all these years later, didn't he?" Riku asked, running his hand through his hair. I nodded clumsily. "Well, he's not the only one who's still hurting. Sora has a lot of issues now, and they all trace back to that day. Every time I close my eyes I still see Reno, trapped in that car, bleeding and dying." His eyes shut wearily and he sighed.

"But it's not just the three of us. Leon hardly talks anymore - but back then the trick was to get him to shut up. He watched his three best friends fall apart at the seams and he felt horrible because there was nothing he could do for us. Axel's mother and father buried their eldest son and came very close to burying the other. Kairi had to tell her friends why I had been sent away to prison, and I wasn't there to watch her grow into a young woman. My mother had to drive two hours to see me, once a fortnight. Kairi watched her hair turn grey in her thirties."

I listened, not bothering to wipe the tears from my cheeks. Until Riku mentioned it, I hadn't paid any thought to the friends and family of those who were involved in the accident.

"I had a girlfriend once, did you know?" Riku asked suddenly "She came along shortly after I was released. She knew from the get go what I had done and where I had been, but she left me eventually because she just couldn't deal with my issues." He sighed. "Since then, there have been so many people who wanted to help me pick up the broken pieces of my soul, but one after another they all ran off when they saw just how many pieces there were."

"Riku…" I began. He looked at me, eyebrow quirked, almost as if daring me to say something that would make it all better. My tongue stuck in my mouth when I realized that there was nothing I could say or do. I wanted to hold Riku in my arms and stroke his hair as he cried, telling him it would all be okay. But I knew Riku wouldn't let himself cry and I knew it would only get better after the sands of time had worn his mind down to something incapable of feeling pain.

It hurt me to know that Riku would have to go through that alone.

"I bought you a present, you know. Because your birthday is tomorrow and all." He mumbled after a while, sinking back into his seat and refusing to look at me.

I wiped at the tears, which had begun to slow in pace. "You didn't have to."

"Well, I did, because I figured you'd be grateful." He growled.

I flinched. "I'm grateful you even remembered I had a birthday. Cloud's my brother and the last birthday of mine he remembered I was young enough to swing on the monkey bars."

My answer seemed to satisfy him, so Riku dug his hand into his pocket, producing a little black box, no more than a few inches wide or tall, made from a thin kind of cardboard. He tossed it carelessly at me without looking in my direction.

"Open it now or wait for midnight, your call."

I took the small box in my hands, turning it over gently. My mind full of pity and confusion, I unbuckled my seatbelt. The sound caused Riku to flinch, as he probably supposed I was going to leave. Instead, I leaned over the centre console and pressed a small kiss to Riku's cheek.

He didn't react at all.

With a sigh, I decided what the hell. I opened the top of the box and peered inside. A sort of wrapped package rested inside; that delicate, decorative padding paper that had been taped shut. I gingerly pulled it out and unwound the package.

A ring fell out onto my lap. I examined it closely – it was definitely a masculine ring, a wide silver band that had a few delicate, intricate swirls carved into the surface. A tiny diamond glinted from the very centre. Judging by the weight it was real sterling silver and must have cost Riku an arm and a leg. I twirled it around a few times, feeling the cool hardness of the metal, before eventually slipping it onto the middle finger of my left hand and admiring how perfectly it fit.

"Riku, it's beautiful." I smiled at him. "Why did you get me such a stunning present?"

He sighed, looking my way for the first time in a while.

"You're not perfect, but neither am I. I figured you deserved something nice."

As much as I hated to argue, I still couldn't get it through my head that Riku would bestow such an expensive gift upon me. "But we haven't known each other for very long."

"You know, you could just say 'thank you'."

I chuckled and thanked him. He brushed it off like it was nothing. But at least he was looking me in the eye again.

"You know, I want to give you something too." I said impulsively.

Riku frowned. "But it's not my birthday."

I smiled. "So it can be your unbirthday." I felt around in my pockets, wondering if I actually had anything to give him. Keys, wallet, phone, rubbish from recess… I looked in my bag. Books, pencil case… shit. I had nothing nice enough to give away.

But then I remembered my necklace. I almost didn't want to give it to Riku, as it was kind of special to me. But my hands moved against my will and unclasped it.

Riku watched me hold it out to him. "But that's yours." He protested weakly.

I leaned over and clasped it around his neck. "And now it's yours."

He smiled at me. I noticed that it actually really suited Riku – the leather strap blended in with his dress shirt and the pendant matched his hair. And when it wasn't wrapped around my own neck I could actually see it a lot better. Yeah, I felt pretty good about giving it away.

The gifts acted as a peace offering, and Riku's eyes weren't as cold as they had been before. "Well, we've been sitting in here forever." He muttered after a while. "Wanna go in and get something to drink?" he asked, gesturing to the café we sat in front of.

I nodded and pulled my wallet out of my bag, opening the door. Hopefully Riku and I had said all we needed to each other, and from there on in we could actually get to reconstruct the burnt bridge between us.

When we got into the shop Riku managed to order a coffee without any problems, but the staff refused to serve me as I was in school uniform and probably skipping school. I went red as I realized that they were right, and was seconds from pulling Riku to the door when he produced a small note from his pocket. Turns out it was actually a slip from the school saying that I had permission to leave the campus for a funeral.

"But the cemetery is on the other side of the city." The barista protested.

Riku glared at her, almost as if willing her head would blow up. "We have had a very traumatic day and we need some caffeine." He said in a single breath, with a tone that suggested he would put his thumbs through her eyes if she refused to serve me again.

She served me.

I gave her a tip.

We found a small booth at the back of the store and settled in. Riku finished his coffee in a few large gulps and tossed it in a nearby bin like it was a basketball. I risked a chuckle.

"Hey, once you start working for a living, you begin to need coffee like you need air." He shrugged and went to the counter to order another. And he was right about the caffeine addiction – once Riku had gotten his fix he became much more cheerful, and for a while we swapped funny road trip stories.

"-And then Kairi realized that the reason the bathroom stunk so bad because there was no plumbing and we had all been using a drop toilet!" Riku gasped, half bent over the table in fits of laugher. I could hardly breathe, flopped roughly against the wall, practically vibrating from laughter.

It took us a little while to calm down, but when we did I took a large swig of my mocha and cleared my throat.

"I would have been about ten when my family went camping in the mountains to the far south." I began, giggling to myself because I knew exactly where the story was going. Riku laughed at me giggling, and soon we had dissolved again into puddles of laughter. Eventually, I coughed and continued. "There's a big lake down there somewhere, and we camped right up near the shore. The water was so dark and deep you could barely see a foot beneath the water, so Dad told Cloud and I that the loch ness monster lived down there somewhere and would always come up at night, looking for little boys to gobble up."

"Sounds more like a paedophile than the loch ness monster." Riku snorted, drawing a fit of giggles from me.

"Well, I knew that the loch ness monster supposedly lives in Scotland, so I figured we were safe. Cloud had no idea though, so Dad and I teased him to the point of tears." I wiped a tear of mirth from my eyes. "When he was swimming we'd shout that we could see the monster and he would come out of the water like a speedboat!"

We laughed at the mental image. "Eventually, Cloud decided enough was enough and talked me into revenge. One night Dad had too many beers by the fire and was pretty much dead to the world on his air mattress."

"Oh no, I know where this is going. You didn't, did you?"

"We did!" I laughed wickedly. "Mum was drunk too and filmed us drag Dad's mattress out of the tent and push it into the water. He slept out there on the lake for about five hours, solid as a log!"

Riku's head flumped down onto the table as he gasped for breath, choking with gleeful laughter.

"By the time he woke up at dawn he had floated almost to the other side of the lake, so he had to swim all the way back with his mattress in tow. Man, he was so pissed he packed up camp and took us home that very day."

"Your mother officially wins the 'Bad Parent of the Year Award'."

We laughed together for a few more minutes.

Man, I'm smiling as I remember that hour I spent in the café with Riku, laughing carelessly like the world was a perfect place and we were the best of friends.

Yeah, friends.

Riku has been many things to me in the past three weeks. He's been a beautiful stranger. He almost became a lover. He was everything I wanted. But then he was my enemy. He was a hated monster. He was a failure. After Riku was all of those things in barely a month, it was good to just sit down and be friendly with the guy for a while. It was easy to get along with him – now that we knew each other a little better we had things to talk about and good feelings and memories to share. I enjoyed myself much more just being his friend than I ever had when he was trying to get his tongue down my throat.

It seemed like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe Axel hated Riku. Maybe Riku hated Axel. But I knew both and I knew though they'd been through some horrible times together, neither were horrible people. Axel was just bitter and Riku was just irresponsible. Both were just as lost as the other. And I was lost without them.

After a while the coffee-induced delirium subsided and we came back down to Earth.

"So did you want me to take you back to school?" Riku asked, sipping delicately from his coffee, slightly out of breath from laughing so hard. I tugged at my school tie and grinned at him. We both pissed ourselves laughing.

Once we'd calmed down, Riku shook his head, smiling at me. "Okay, so school's out for the rest of the day. But you really should get out of your uniform if you're going to spend today in town."

I liked how he didn't even ask if I wanted to spend the rest of the day with him. There was no need to ask.

I shrugged. "Nobody will be home, so I can duck in and get changed. The parents will be at work and Cloud hasn't come out of him room since yesterday."

Riku sighed. "I knew kicking him out was going to hurt him, but I do wish Sora hadn't been there. He made it that much more difficult. And I don't think Leon actually got a chance to tell Cloud that he wasn't as angry as I was."

"So Leon-?"

"Yeah, Leon is still head over heels for Cloud. I didn't mean to make it sound like they were to break it off, but when I get mad I get carried away." He tapped the counter. "It didn't help that Sora was there. Anyway." He stood up. "Let's get out of here."

Halfway out of my seat, I grinned. "Riku, I have an idea. Let's stop at your house on the way to mine."

He glanced at me questioningly, but didn't say anything.

As we walked through the main part of the café the barista eyed us suspiciously. Riku caught on and gave her the middle finger, grinning wickedly. I dragged him from the building, laughing almost as hard as he was.

-x-

As I suspected, Cloud wouldn't come out of his room.

"Cloud?" I called, knocking again. "You in there?"

"No." Came the muffled response.

I bit down a laugh. Luckily I'd prepared some bait to fish him out of his comfort zone.

"Awh, but I have some chocolate here and I really can't eat it all by myself."

"Slide it under the door then."

"Cloud, you've been in there for a whole day. Your tan will fade if you don't come out some time."

"I don't care what I look like anymore."

It actually hurt to hear Cloud say that. As a guy with only his looks going for him, it signified to me that Cloud really had given up on the world.

I sighed.

"If you don't care, I don't either. Come and get fat with me."

I thought he had covered his ears with a pillow or something as he didn't respond. But then the door opened just a crack and I saw a bloodshot eye peer out at me.

"I look hideous." He warned.

Aha! He did still care. There was hope for my brother yet.

"So do I. Have some chocolate."

The door opened. Cloud was wrong about the hideous thing, but he certainly looked unkempt. His hair, which was usually messy in that stylish way, hung around his shoulders in uneven clumps. His face was blotchy from crying, his eyes had deep shadows beneath them, the nose plaster was on crooked, and he stood with a slouched posture.

He glared at me when he saw I wasn't holding anything. "Where's the chocolate?"

I nodded my head down the hallway. Cloud peeked around the doorframe and gasped.

Leon stood against the far wall, holding the biggest and most expensive block of chocolate I had ever seen in one hand, and a bouquet of a dozen blood red roses in the other.

When Riku and I had collected Leon from their place an hour or so before, Riku and Leon had nodded at each other in a silent agreement. I didn't want to ask what was going on, but on the way to my house Riku took a side road and stopped at a florist. Leon ran in and emerged minutes later with the flowers and the chocolate. Neither would speak to me when I asked, so I just sat there and let the silent car ride drift by. Riku had a 'taking care of business' air about him, while Leon fiddled with the bouquet and looked nervous.

Leon smiled the widest smile I had ever seen him smile when Cloud looked his way. And I repeat the word smile because really I had no idea that Leon's mouth could actually twist that far or wide.

… Good god I could have worded that one better.

Cloud stumbled into the hallway, almost colliding with me.

"Leon? What are you doing here?"

"I came to say I'm sorry."

Leon stepped forward and thrusted the roses into Cloud's arms, but before I knew it the roses were on the floor and Cloud's arms were around Leon.

I looked away respectfully as they whispered to each other, but I could do nothing for the smile that stretched across my face. I eyed my bedroom door as it opened enough for a bright green eye to peer through. I shot a thumbs-up and the door closed gently.

Riku had decided that Cloud probably didn't want to see him, especially not while he was being reunited with Leon, so we'd decided he would hide in my room until it was over. It was sad to think that Riku was like Public Enemy Number One in my house, but rather unavoidable.

I heard the floor creek behind me and turned. Cloud and Leon were firmly joined at the hip, walking towards me.

"Did you organize this, Roxy?" Cloud asked, grinning like the fool he was.

I smiled coyly. "Maaaybe."

I get the feeling that Cloud would have hugged me if Leon weren't holding him so tightly, but I appreciated the thought.

"Well, we're going to talk for a while." Cloud said, dragging Leon into his room. "Thanks Roxy!"

I laughed, knowing that there was probably going to be very little talking once the door closed. For once, I didn't mind. "Use protection, guys."

Cloud rolled his eyes. Leon glanced at me over Cloud's head and winked. I snorted.

Once the door between my brother and I had closed with a forceful click, I turned and went into my own bedroom. Riku was stretched out across my armchair, flicking through my ancient copy of Stephen King's The Stand. He glanced at me over the book as I flopped down onto my bed.

"We did some good today." I said quietly "But we should probably leave before the strange noises begin."

Riku laughed. "And I'd actually gotten used to listening to them fuck each other senseless every night."

I laughed. "Eww, you pervert!"

"Hey, I would have my headphones in and the volume right up on my MP3 player, but I could still hear them go at it!"

Eventually, we settled into a peaceful silence.

"Would you let Cloud come back and live with you again?" I asked eventually.

Riku sighed. "When he gets a job he can come back. I never meant to erase him from my life entirely, but you must know how annoying it is to support someone else. The guy loves to take half-hour showers but he never could help us pay the ever-increasing water bill. I'll talk to Leon about it and hopefully he can convince Cloud to come back." He shrugged "It's possible Cloud doesn't want to live with me again."

I laughed. "Riku G, love him or hate him."

"Most predominately the latter." He chipped in, a little dolefully.

I kinda spat it out without thinking.

"Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. _I _love you."

I froze where I lay. Shit. Riku and I had just become good friends, too, and I was suddenly very worried that I had tossed it all away again. I wasn't even sure why I had said it, as I knew I certainly wasn't in love with him, and I doubted I had ever been. I glanced up meekly. Riku was still relaxing in the chair, eyes on my book. But his eyebrows disappeared behind his fringe and he smirked at me. My face felt very hot all of a sudden.

"Good to know."

-x-

**LEEEROOYY JENKIIINNNZZZ****: Well, I know I promised this chapter a few days ago, but I had a birthday and drank way too much champagne. After spending the best part of 9 hours with my head down a toilet, I can safely say I am never drinking champagne again. -_- That shit is toxic.**

**Hey, look at that, Riku actually has a heart. But I like how he's come out in this story – Roxas never does quite know how he feels about our sexy friend, and their relationship borders on something like a love/hate thing. Usually I don't have the attention span to write something like that, so reaching chapter ten is a total achievement for me. XD**

**Anyway, review? :3**


	11. My Betrayal

So by now I assume you must be thinking to yourself something along the lines of "Roxas is a whiny little bitch, everything seems to be fine."

True, at that point I had sorted out my issues with Riku and we had partially connected the severed bonds between us. Cloud and Leon were less than ten meters away, doing the same thing in a more physical manner. Axel was healing from his old wounds, and I had found a friend in him and Kairi. The ongoing breakup between my parents was nowhere near as violent or as destructive as I had predicted. And finally, I had the day off school.

I wish that I could end the story here. Roxas and Riku embrace as friends and then waltz off into the sunset of something more than that. It would be a corny yet satisfying end to this long and messed up tale, and entirely untrue. Happy endings are something that you only see in books and movies, but only because the books and movies don't continue to show the breakdown of such happiness, nor the eventual reconstruction and destruction that loops on and on until all the characters die.

To put it in a less morbid way, have you ever been to a carnival and sat on a Ferris wheel? Or a merry-go-round? Spinning tea cups? Or even one of those terrifying circular rooms that spins so fast you are pinned to the wall? Even a rollercoaster or a haunted house. Odds are, you have, so you understand that those rides always go back to the beginning. That is, they might lift you high above the ground, or spin you around and around, but as a circle has no beginning it also has no end, and you eventually find that you will get off at more or less the same place you got on, no matter what the ride did to you. After that, you go find something to eat or go to the bathroom and be sick or whatever, and after that you find another ride and strap yourself in.

I've come to believe that my life is like a series of emotional carnival rides. I was bored, so I got on a ride that took me to a very high place and then to a very low place. I got off that one and approached another that took me from a very low place to a very high place and back again. It was a never ending circle.

So at that point in time, everything seemed fine. My problems were still there, but I could deal with them. After the mess my life had become, it was nice to lie back on my bed and breathe easily. But that was about fourteen hours ago now, and I've learned that life has a way of turning on you suddenly.

Maliciously.

Riku and I settled into a comfortable conversation about the book he'd lent me the week before. I had trouble seeing how that book, which had wrapped things up rather nicely, could be the base for nine sequels. Riku explained to me that the series was narrated by three different people who were somehow connected, and that they wouldn't actually meet until later in the series.

We talked about the symbolism in the book, the possible meanings the author was trying to convey through such violence and the message behind it all. It was actually really nice to have an intelligent debate with someone over a good book.

But the large Ferris wheel that carried me through my life had just begun its descent, and just as Riku and I were starting to agree about something, Cloud barged in.

"Roxy, what's-" Cloud stopped dead as his eyes fell on Riku, relaxing in my arm chair. I propped myself up on my elbows and glanced at Riku, who was holding a perfect poker face, though I could tell by the visible tendons on the back of his hands how tense he was.

"Alright, what's _he_ doing here?" Cloud whined irritably.

For a moment, the words stuck in my throat. How could I defend Riku from Cloud? Riku had kicked Cloud out of his home and unintentionally destroyed his relationship. Cloud was most likely livid. Once again, I wondered if I had made a mistake by forgiving Riku.

"I gave Leon a lift over here." Riku mumbled, shoulders drawn up around his ears. I sat up straight and really examined Riku. There was no mistaking it – although Riku held a straight face, he was cowering in front of my brother.

And for a good reason. Cloud's face twisted into an ugly sneer. And I don't use the word 'ugly' lightly, as Cloud is one of the most good-looking guys I know. His eyebrows dropped down over his eyes, his nose wrinkled and seemed to bend at an odd angle, and his mouth twisted into a strange kind of grin/snarl.

"Really now? That's flippin' fantastic. Now get out of my house." Cloud growled, his voice in a low and guttural tone I had never heard from him before.

Riku flinched. "But I was just-"

"I've overheard some of Roxy's anger management tips, so right now I'm gonna count to ten. If you're still in this _fucking house" _He took a menacing step forward with the last two words "when I get to ten, _you are going to die."_

Judging by his face, Riku was just as shocked as I was. I was the angry one in the family, whereas Cloud was the bubbly, friendly one. Cloud only ever swore when he was _really _mad, and he had never threatened to kill someone before, even in jest. But from the way Cloud was clenching his fists and staring Riku down, nothing he had just said was a threat.

Quite wisely, Riku stood up and stepped towards the door. He turned to me and smiled sadly, his hand reaching up to stroke the necklace I had given him.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye, Roxas."

And then he was gone.

Once his footsteps had faded away, Cloud turned to me. I figured he would calm down once his ex-roommate was gone, but I was so very wrong. If anything, he seemed angrier.

I bit down a nasty joke about Cloud's numeracy skills.

"What the fuck was he doing in our house?" Cloud snapped.

"He was reuniting you with Leon." I said, much more calmly than I felt.

"He wouldn't have had to do that if he hadn't _broken us up in the first place."_

Cloud's accusing tone stoked the fire in my chest.

"And you're getting mad at me about it? Fuck."

"I'm mad that you let that prick stay here for an hour!"

"God forbid I should have friends of my own!"

Cloud threw himself in the chair in defeat.

Just kidding. He continued to stand there and yell at me.

"Roxas, what's it going to take for you to learn that Riku _is not your friend?_ Riku is just a horny bastard who wants in your pants and then out again quicker than you can tell him you're a virgin. He doesn't care about you or how you feel. He doesn't care about anyone other than himself."

I'd heard all of those things said about Riku before without getting overly mad. But when Cloud stood in my room and yelled them at me, I knew with every brain cell that he was wrong.

Riku _was_ my friend. He _did_ care about how I felt and what I wanted. Getting in my pants was not his only reason for associating with me. And when I realized that I knew Cloud was wrong about Riku, I realized that I had been wrong about Riku as well. Before that moment, I'd believed that I didn't care about Riku at all.

But that was when I knew I was wrong, and I _did_ care for Riku.

I didn't have long to ponder over my revelation. If losing Riku was what it took for me to realize how important he was to me, I didn't have much time to waste.

"You can't control my fucking life, Cloud! Get out of my room!" I shouted, standing up. Cloud looked like he was about to take a swing at me, but backed down at the last second.

"Come and get me when you've screwed your head back on." He snarled, stalking out of the room.

I pulled my mobile phone out of my bag and scrolled through my contacts. I knew for a fact that Riku had a phone just as dusty and old as my own, but it seemed that I had never bothered to get his number. I swore at myself and scrolled back up the list to "Cloud Home", which was the landline of the apartment Leon shared with Riku. I dialled the number.

But of course, it had only been a few minutes since Riku left, and Leon was in the same building as me. Nobody would be home. I figured I'd hang on the line and leave Riku a voice message apologizing for Cloud's behaviour, but then the dial tone stopped with a sudden click.

"Hello?" A cheerful voice came from the other line.

"Oh, hey," I mumbled, a little surprised. "Who's this?"

"You called me, who's this?" The voice retorted playfully.

"Uh, sure. It's Roxas, and I was looking for-"

"He's not here, you know." The voice snapped, all traces of good feelings suddenly absent, and in that second I knew exactly who I was talking to.

"Sora?"

"The one and only."

"How'd you get into Riku's house?"

"He had me over for dinner last night, and I slept here. We fucked, y'know."

My heart stopped beating for a second or two.

"You're lying."

"Nope. We actually fucked twice last night, then a quickie this morning before he went to work. I got some nasty stains on his black pants."

My heart skipped into overdrive, and I felt the heat rise on my cheeks. "You're a liar!" I growled defensively.

Sora snickered. "Really now? Why would I lie to you, dear _Roxy_?"

My dad once gave me some pretty sound advice. _"Never argue with an idiot, Roxas."_ He told me one day as we sat in his car. _"Why, Dad?" _I asked, eyes wide. Dad laughed. _"Because onlookers won't be able to tell which one of you is the idiot."_

And yes, I did copy that paragraph directly from earlier on in my memoir. Because it's so very true. Unfortunately for me, I forgot my Dad's advice at that moment.

"Shut your face, asshat." I snapped. "You're just trying to piss me off."

"And it's working. Now excuse me, but I have some washing to do before Riku gets home, it's very difficult to fuck on soiled sheets, you know. Oh, you don't know about that, do you? You're a virgin."

"Shut up!"

"Ahaha, that's so cute. Bye now, _Roxy_!"

The phone went dead.

I barely felt the phone drop from my fingers and onto the carpet. I couldn't hear the air conditioner whirr over my head, and I couldn't see past my shaking hand. All I could feel was my heart hammering in my chest and my stomach twist and turn violently.

I fell onto my bed, fighting down the bile. I had just begun to trust Riku. I had just allowed myself to admit that I did like him, that I was willing to fight my family for him. I had been ready to take that plunge and place my fragile feelings in his hands.

And to learn that he had been fucking Sora mere hours before he had come to me to make things better between us just made me sick to the core.

I ripped the ring from my finger and hurled it across the room, flinching when it struck the wall with a heavy clunk.

Good bye, Riku, indeed!

-x-

I'll admit, I didn't actually cry after my conversation with Sora. I wanted to, and I tried, but I just couldn't. But either way, when I woke up a few hours later I couldn't remember how I got in my bed, much less when I fell asleep.

I sat up groggily and glanced at the clock, which read 7:15 PM. I must have worn myself out with all those emotions, as I had been asleep for something like four or five hours. A little confused, I shook my head, which felt like it was full of rocks. My mouth tasted of ash and my body was covered in a fine sweat.

I stumbled out of bed and glanced in my mirror – My face was horrible and blotchy and my eyes were red and puffy, almost as if I had been crying. I pulled up my shirt and examined the bruises that Sora had given me the week before, which were now ugly shades of yellow and red.

I sighed and ran a hand through my greasy hair. How long had it been since life was normal? And if the last two weeks had left me in bad physical shape, how the hell was I going to survive to see my birthday? Knowing my luck, I'd slip in a puddle and break my neck.

And sadly, that wasn't actually far from what did happen to me that evening.

It was maybe eight o'clock when Axel waltzed into my room without knocking. I jumped.

"Whoa, when the fuck did you get here?" I snapped, sitting up straight in my chair and dropping my book.

Axel laughed, and stood in the middle of the room with his hands on his wide hips. He was disgustingly cheerful. "I was hoping you'd say that. Well, in honour of you turning seventeen tomorrow, Cloud, Leon and I decided to take you out to dinner. Get some nice clothes on!"

My gaze fell back down to my book. I didn't want to go out, I just wanted to stay at home and wallow in self-pity. Axel seemed to catch on that something was wrong and sat on his knees next to my chair, bringing his face down to my level.

"Roxas? What's wrong?"

I tried to speak, but I knew in that second that if I did I would start crying. I was fine with crying, just not in front of Axel. My throat twisted closed, and I let out an odd squeak and turned away.

Axel put a hand under my chin and directed my face to look into his concerned gaze. "Tell me what's wrong."

I began to shake as I spoke, but my voice didn't break. "Riku… lied to me…"

In a second, Axel's expression went from concerned to livid. His tone was cold as he said "Did he, now?"

Axel's anger was all it took to set me off. Before I could try to get a hold of myself, tears sprung from my eyes and ran down my face rapidly. I clamped my mouth shut and bit down the wracking sobs, but I still shook uncontrollably.

My eyes were too heavy with tears to see exactly what Axel was doing, but I could feel him try to wipe the tears away. There were just too many for him though, and he retreated to my desk, returning with my box of tissues. I snatched one and buried my face in it.

I thought for a second that Axel was going to fetch Cloud, but he instead closed my bedroom door with a gentle click. I then felt his hands grip my sides and gently lift me to my feet. I almost crumpled to the floor, but his hands lowered me back onto the chair.

Only then I realized that Axel was sitting on my chair, and he had pulled me into his lap. He shuffled me sideways, so my shoulder was pushing against his, and let my head tumble forward gently into the crook of his neck. I curled into the foetal position, tissue box pushed into my stomach, my knees brought up to Axel's other shoulder. Axel's arms looped around me and held me tightly, his cheek pressed gently to my forehead.

And there I cried.

I don't know how long I just sat there and sobbed. Axel's nice shirt got a little dirty, but most of my fluids were absorbed by my tissues, which I would toss carelessly on the floor when they were spent.

It was nice to be held like that. Even now I don't think Axel had any ulterior motives for cuddling me like that. I think that he was just being a good friend when I needed one the most. Even so, when he eventually did let me go I was just that much fonder of him.

I sat on the floor and watched Axel root through my cupboard, looking for nice clothes. Normally I would object to someone going through my stuff, but that time I was just too fatigued and gloomy to care. He eventually settled on a black dress shirt that I had bought for my interview at McDonald's, a pair of dark blue jeans and a black and white checkered belt that had once belonged to Cloud. Axel gently asked me to get dressed and left me to it.

I tugged the clothes on carelessly. My face was an utter mess, and I wished for a second that I was a girl so I could put on makeup to hide how terrible I felt.

When I stepped out into the hallway, the three of them were waiting for me. Cloud and Axel smiled.

"You look really good, Roxy." Cloud nodded, arm draped around Leon's waist.

"Very handsome." Axel agreed.

Leon nodded.

I frowned.

"Quit kissing up to me and let's get the fuck out of here." I snarled. In unison, their faces dropped.

As we walked out to Axel's shiny red car, I regretted speaking so harshly to them. Axel had just held me together as I fell apart, and Cloud had… well, Cloud had been right about Riku. Riku was probably fucking Sora again right at that moment. I shuddered.

All Axel had said was that they were taking me out to dinner, but he had neglected to mention where we were going. So I was rather surprised when we pulled up at L'estomac Plein, which was a fancy French restaurant uptown. I had never actually been in there before, but I had often joked with Cloud about the rich people who ate there.

Axel pulled up the car in the car park, killed the engine and turned to me.

"Now, this is a really fancy restaurant, Roxas, so when we go in there we're going to be gentlemen. Right guys?" He turned to Cloud and Leon in the back, who both nodded innocently.

When we got out of the car, I noticed for the first time that the three of them were dressed in formal attire. They all wore dress shirts and ties as well as black work pants and their work shoes. Axel's red tie matched his hair ad stood out vibrantly on his black shirt, whereas Cloud and Leon were wearing matching baby blue ties and white shirts.

I quirked an eyebrow, but remained silent.

When we got in the door, a waiter greeted us with a bad French accent.

"Velcome to zee L'estomac Plein, I 'ope you are 'aving a good night. May I seat you?"

Axel spoke, his voice raised an octave. He sounded either like a woman or very, very gay.

"Thank you darling, that would be super!"

Cloud and Leon snorted. I kept a steady poker face, wondering if I was entertained by his behaviour. The waiter eyed Axel, who threw his arm around my shoulders suggestively. My face went red and I decided that no, I was not entertained.

After a short staring contest, we were led to our seats. We got a nice table for four by a window – if I glanced out I could see into a street market, where hundreds of shoppers walked by. The glass kept out the noise, and the sight was oddly serene.

Well, it would have been serene had I been alone.

"So then I said, 'Darling, those shoes soo do not match that outfit!"

And don't worry, it does seem forced and the total opposite of hilarious to me as well. But they did put on a great show, drinking with their pinkies up, calling each other darling, commenting on fashion and gossip… The three of them went to such an effort to make me smile, but throughout the night I was just a brooding little black cloud, like the ungrateful little shit I was.

I wish I could go back to that moment. Back to the time when Cloud was happy with Leon and Axel was my pillar of strength. Because, dear listener, even though it was only eight or nine hours ago, it feels like it happened on the other side of the world, years ago. And even then, I was not in the least grateful for what they did for me.

We spent about an hour in the restaurant, in the end. My overwhelmingly negative reaction kind of dampened their spirits after a while, and the play acting only lasted for about half an hour. By the time our food had arrived, Cloud and Leon were talking quietly while Axel fiddled with his phone and I tore my napkin into tiny pieces.

In a sense, that meal was like our Last Supper. Only, none of us knew it at the time, and because of that we couldn't appreciate it for what it really was – a goodbye.

Eventually, we ate, decided to skip dessert and go home. When the bill came to the table Leon and Axel fought over it, but eventually ended up splitting it between them. Cloud threw in a little money too, and I would have if I had anything to give. The dinner was supposed to be my birthday thing, so I doubt they'd have let me contribute anyway.

We piled back into Axel's car – Cloud and Leon snatched the back seat once again, so I strapped myself in the front with Axel.

I stared moodily out the window as he drove. I heard them speaking to each other, but I paid no attention to what was said. I didn't know where we were going, nor did I care, but I hoped Axel would take me home soon as I just wanted to get back into my chair and bury my nose in a book to forget about my own problems for a while.

Eventually I realized that someone had said my name.

"Roxas?"

"Huh?" I asked, sitting up straight. Axel smiled at me, and I glanced to the back seat, only to discover that Cloud and Leon were locked at the lips. I turned away.

"Are you feeling any better?"

I shrugged. "Not really. Thanks for taking me out, though, I did like the food."

He chuckled. "No problem, little dude. I'm just sorry we couldn't cheer you up."

"And not for lack of trying." I quipped, and Axel chuckled again. "Really though, you're a great friend. Thanks."

Axel smiled, but didn't reply.

Eventually, I noticed that we were in Leon's neighbourhood.

"Where are we going?"

"I'm just gonna drop Leon home, and then I'm dropping you and your brother home. Though, to be totally honest," He turned to me and smirked "I think I might only be dropping you at home."

I eyed the couple in the back through my peripheral vision. "I think you might be right."

We turned onto the street that Leon's apartment complex was on, and I noticed a shadowy figure walking along the footpath. I didn't pay much attention until the figure stepped out into the light and I realized that it was Riku, walking away from his apartment.

Without thinking, I said "Hey Axel, look. It's Riku."

Axel glanced over at the footpath.

"He looks a little upset." I observed.

"Not as upset as he deserves to be." Axel said.

Riku spotted us and waved.

"Why's he waving at us?"

"Who knows."

Riku waved frantically.

"Is something wrong with him?"

"Who cares?"

Riku jumped up and down, waving his arms urgently. He pointed at something ahead of us.

"What a freak."

I glanced at the road ahead and saw that we were barely a few feet from running a red traffic light. The traffic streamed past us at a terrifying speed, and for one horrifying second I was sure I was about to die.

"Axel! Look out!" I screeched.

Axel swore loudly and slammed the brakes on, but not quickly enough – we skidded over the line at a frightening speed and swerved into the oncoming traffic. I barely had time to scream as blinding headlights shone into the cabin, followed by a huge grille smashing through the driver's side of the car. The world around me flashed with lights and broken glass as I was tossed around like a ragdoll. The sound of crunching metal and shattering glass was absolutely deafening, and I was only aware that I was screaming because of the dull buzz between my ears.

But it was over in seconds, and the world soon went completely dark.

-x-

**Stranger's ominous message:**** Well, I suppose you've all forgotten about me by now, as it's almost been two months since I updated last. I could lay on the excuses, but in the end having a life can impact on the time I give myself to write, and I'm sorry this story has gotten so dusty recently.**

**Aaaannyyywhoooo, we are almost finished. The end is so close I can taste it. Enjoy the cliffhanger, guys, you've earned it for being so patient with me. :D**


	12. My End

My memories of what happened when I regained consciousness are very hazy.

The world was in chaos, and the sensation was almost impossible to describe. I felt like I had no bones in my body – if I'd lifted my arm, it would have flopped around like a rubber hose. Only, I couldn't lift my arm as I had no muscles either. All that I was consisted entirely of some misshapen bag of flesh, but at the same time I felt like my head was about to roll away from my shoulders.

I had no sense of time or space. A lifetime went by in the blink of my eye, but at the same time everything was frozen in suspended animation. I had no idea where I was, or who I was. I wasn't even thinking to myself in English, but primitive, confused thoughts.

I've tried to describe it best I can, but the sensation was so surreal there's nothing I can write down that will make you understand just how it felt. For there was so much of me, so much flesh, blood and bone, that I was drowning in myself. But at the same time, everything that I am was laid bare and I floated away.

It became apparent that someone was shaking me.

I opened my eyes, just a crack. The world before me was a riptide of colours and shapes, swirling around me and making me dizzy. My eyes opened a little wider, and the predominant colour I noticed was a deep blood red. Everywhere.

But then my head turned against my will and all I could see was a blinding light. After a few seconds my eyes adjusted, and the blinding white faded to distinguished silver. I squinted, confused, and noticed two green circles, framed by the cascade of silver.

It was around then that my hearing returned. Until then everything had been drowned out by an ugly buzz in my head, but I could hear a strange sound repeating itself and increasing in volume.

"Roxas!"

Roxas? It took a little while before I remembered that Roxas was my name.

And when I remembered my name, I realized that I was not staring directly at some strange colours, but into a human face.

Riku.

Once I had assigned a name to the strange thing I was looking at, his features began to clarify. I noticed his eyebrows, pulled upwards into an expression of worry, I saw his nose, nostrils flared from stress, and I watched his mouth move, producing the sounds that had roused me.

"Roxas!"

I tried to tell Riku that I was okay, but my vocal chords were still sleeping. I forced all of my energy into them, producing a strange grunt.

Riku seemed relieved. He spoke for a little while, but I didn't understand a word of what he said. I still couldn't remember any English. But as the seconds went by, my senses began to strengthen, and I eventually found that I knew some words I could say.

"Good morning."

Riku frowned at me.

I suppose that was the wrong thing to say.

"Are you okay?" Riku asked. I smiled when I realized that I had just completely understood everything he had said.

"Wha' happen?" I mumbled.

"There was an accident. I've called for an ambulance. They'll make you better."

Accident!

And suddenly, I remembered just what had happened. In the car with Axel, Leon and Cloud. Driving along. Through a red light. More light. Crashes. Crunches. Shattering glass. Hitting my head on something hard. Then darkness.

In the car with Axel, Leon and Cloud.

Cloud!

"Cloud." I hissed "See if Cloud is okay!"

Riku gave me a strange look that I couldn't place to any emotion at the time, but thinking back now, it was definitely a pained look. He then disappeared from my view, and I realized that he must have been holding my head up, as it was suddenly too heavy for my neck.

I looked around. The interior of the car was absolutely destroyed. The initial point of collision had been on the driver's side, luckily enough for me, but for some reason there was another car directly in front of me, smashed head on into us. I looked closer and saw that the bonnet of Axel's car, which was once red and smooth but was now metallic and jagged, had almost been welded to the bonnet of the other car, which was in just as bad a shape.

Axel?

I looked to my right and bit down a scream.

Axel was slumped over the wheel. And by slumped over the wheel, I mean his head was resting on the windscreen wiper, one of his arms was stretched right out onto the bonnet and the other arm rested at a funny angle on the dashboard. I didn't dare look at his legs, but the impression I got was that he had almost been thrown through the windshield, but his long torso and legs had held him back.

Thick red blood seeped out onto the dashboard, gently pooling and oxidizing. Axel's hair had flopped down over his face, but it was matted and bloody. I could see a nasty gash on the back of his head that was bleeding freely, soaking down his neck and disappearing into his black shirt.

I groaned in horror. But once I had told my vocal chords to move, I couldn't get them to stop. The sound I was producing can only be described as a moan, but I remember it wavering in pitch and intensity. I just had no control over anything I did, and I wouldn't be surprised if I had pissed myself at some point.

My head was tugged away from Axel and back to my window, where Riku was leaning through. I could feel his hands on my cheeks that time.

"Cloud is fine, okay? He will be fine."

I sobbed heavily, but my tear ducts were bone dry. "Axel's hurt real bad."

I watched Riku's gaze slip past me and widen, then quickly dart back to my face. "Don't look at him, alright? Roxas, look at me. Keep your eyes on mine."

Cloud was okay, Axel might be… I moaned again. "L-Leon… is Leon alright?"

It was around that time I heard Cloud scream. Riku almost dropped my head, but placed it against the chair and rushed away from my window to attend to Cloud. I couldn't twist my body around at all and my neck wouldn't turn past two o'clock, so I could only see what was going on through my hazy peripherals.

Cloud was struggling – violently. His screams were incoherent at first, but eventually I could make out the word 'Leon'.

Leon had been sitting behind Axel, so I could see him a little better than I could see Cloud, but at first it just looked to me like he was unconscious, if not a little bloody. He was disturbingly still.

A cold chill washed over me when I realized that Leon was missing half of his face.

Cloud's hysteria reached a peak and went utterly silent.

"Cloud!" I groaned. "Cloud!"

Then Riku was back with me, holding my face to his.

"He's okay, he's okay. He's just passed out again."

"Is Leon-?"

"Leon is fine." Riku said, a little quickly. "Axel is too. And Cloud. And you've bumped your head, but you're fine as well. Everyone will be absolutely fine."

I sighed, watching Riku's wide eyes dart around, watching the horror behind me.

"Let me see them?" I mumbled, trying to tug my head away from Riku's grasp. I just had to make sure they were okay.

Riku's eyes met mine, and though he smiled bravely at me, his eyebrows betrayed his worry.

"No Roxas, keep your eyes on me."

Then I could hear sirens.

For a moment I was worried Riku would leave me again, so I mustered all my energy and slapped my hand against his face, holding it there. I know I hurt him, but the adrenaline kept him from feeling the pain of me slapping him.

I hadn't looked down at myself until that point, but my hand was red on Riku's face. I pulled my hand away slightly and watched the blood smear down his cheek. A little hastily, I tried to rub it away, but only succeeded in smearing it around some more.

"Don't leave me, Riku." I mumbled.

Riku leaned forward and placed a kiss on my lips.

"I'm not going anywhere."

I think I might have passed out after that. I don't actually remember being pulled from the car or strapped to a stretcher, but I remember the paramedics shining a bright light in my face and asking me what day of the week it was. Then there was something about being delirious. But I very clearly remember, as I was being pushed into the ambulance, that I heard a paramedic remark to another.

"Yeah, he's definitely dead."

-x-

I was not lucid again for some time.

All I remember of the hospital were bright lights, loud voices and words I didn't understand. From what I've pieced together since then, they got me into the Emergency ward and drugged me up. I don't know if they administered general anaesthetic or if they kept me awake while they picked all the glass from my body, because I really don't remember any of it.

When I did come to, I was in a hospital room all by myself. It was still dark outside, but the fluorescent lights revealed the room to be sterile and empty. I looked down and saw that I was tucked neatly into the bed, dressed in a flimsy hospital gown, and I had a cannula taped to the back of my hand.

I seemed to be mostly in good condition. None of my limbs were missing or broken, though I did have bandages wrapped tightly around my arms. I felt my face gingerly – it felt a bit strange under my fingers, but as I was still drugged up I couldn't feel any pain yet. My fingers bumped at fresh stitches on my forehead, and I knew that it had been my blood on Riku's face.

Ah, Riku. That's right. He had been first on the scene. Again.

Glancing about again, I noticed that I was not alone in my little room. Cloud slept in the bed closest the door, and he seemed to be in pretty good condition. His face had a few nasty scrapes and there were fresh butterfly clips on the gash above his eye, but I could tell from the huge lump under his blanket that his leg was in a cast. He looked rather peaceful, sleeping there.

"Cloud?"

His eyes opened, and I realized that he had not been asleep.

"Roxy?"

"I'm here. Are you alright?"

"No."

Cloud's voice cracked and wobbled as he spoke.

"Well, you're not dying, are you?"

"I might be."

I sighed. Cloud and his hypochondria.

"Well, the fact that you're in a ward with me and not in the intensive care unit kind of suggests that you will survive."

"Not everyone survived."

My stomach dropped. I had almost forgotten about what I had heard at the crash site. I watched Cloud, who eyed the roof unhappily.

"Who?"

He sighed. "I wish it had been me instead. He was so full of life."

Oh god. Axel. Leon. Had one of them really died? I blinked, feeling alternating waves of heat and cold rush over me. Both of them were so strong, so alive. How could either of them be dead? It just wasn't happening. God, no.

"Cloud. Who died?"

Cloud turned his head and looked directly at me, his eyes brimming with tears as he whispered.

"Leon."

-x-

Even now, I don't know how the hell we did it.

The hospital had assigned Cloud a wheelchair, and it was waiting at the end of his bed. It was a little difficult to get Cloud out of the bed, what with my hand gushing blood from my removed cannula, but somehow I got him down onto the chair. I checked through all of the cupboards in the room, searching for our clothes, but somehow I knew that they were so destroyed we would not be wearing them ever again. The gowns we wore were those horrible kinds that show your butt to everyone behind you, but Cloud was fine as he was sitting down. I resorted to holding mine off to one side in order to keep my privates private.

I didn't think too much about what I was doing. Too many things reminded me of Leon. I couldn't think about that just yet. It hurt me too much.

At this stage, Cloud was thinking the same thing as me and had clammed up. He was not speaking or looking directly at anything. When I waved my hand in front of his face, he did not move an inch. I thought that he might be going into shock, and taking him from the hospital would be a bad choice, but when I told him I was going to put him back in the bed he looked right at me and hissed "You take me home right now."

You'd think that the people of the hospital would have noticed a boy in a gown pushing a silent man in a wheelchair through the wards, leaving a bloody trail behind them. It was about one or two AM at that stage, so we definitely weren't there as visitors. But as we went through the halls, we saw nobody, and we eventually made it to the day entrance, which was now locked down and totally empty. Fortunately for me, most buildings lock from the inside, and though the sliding glass doors were turned off, I managed to locate the emergency release switch, and Cloud and I were released into the night.

Under the cover of darkness I navigated us around the building to the emergency entrance, which was always open at all hours of the day and night. For about five or ten minutes I stood there and worried about how I was going to get us home, but then a taxi screeched up to the curb and a heavily pregnant lady stumbled out.

I could almost feel the light bulb pop up over my head.

I wheeled Cloud over and grinned at the taxi driver. "Hi there, are you wheelchair accessible?"

He looked down his nose at me, and I knew he wasn't fooled. "You get back in that hospital right now."

I frowned and lied through my teeth. "Look buddy, our parents are rich. Really rich. If you get us home, they'll pay triple your fee. And that will be in cash, too, so you don't have to ring all of it up on your system. All of that extra will go straight into your pocket."

Even though the taxi wasn't wheelchair accessible, the taxi driver was kind enough to help me get Cloud into the seat. We left the wheelchair on the curb.

"Where to, sir?" He asked politely, once he had pulled out into the street. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

"Thirty eight Head Street, please."

Cloud looked at me funny, so I shuffled over in my seat until I was right next to him and could whisper in his ear without being overheard.

"Look, neither of us have any money, and Mum will kill us both before she pays this douchebag for taking us away from the hospital. Thirty eight Head Street is right next to an alley that runs right to our street. I know you're not very strong right now, but as soon as this car stops I need you to jump up and make a run for it. You've still got enough morphine in your system to keep you from feeling any pain, alright?"

Cloud nodded and I squeezed his shoulder. To be honest, I had no idea how much medication Cloud had. I myself could feel the painkillers wearing off – my arms were beginning to ache and my face was sore from talking. But I hoped if I told Cloud he would be okay, he would be.

The drive home took about half an hour, but usually it only takes about fifteen or twenty minutes. I swear that taxi driver took the long route, just to boost up his fare.

Sucker.

We eventually did make it to Head Street, and the taxi driver pulled up just in front of number thirty eight, which in the dark looked a little large and spooky.

As soon as the car stopped moving, Cloud and I opened our doors and leapt from the car.

"Hey! Get back here!" Screeched the taxi driver, but I had already run to the entrance of the alleyway. Cloud wasn't able to bend his leg, as the cast came up to just above his knee, but through his sheer physical strength and willpower he was able to almost keep up with me.

I'd expected him to give chase, but I only heard the taxi driver swear and drive away. Now I think about it, chasing two boys into a dark alley might seem dangerous, but we were in such horrible condition he could easily have beaten us up. Either way, I didn't have much time to celebrate my clever deception, as Cloud stumbled over to me and almost collapsed onto my shoulder.

I think it took us fifteen minutes to walk a hundred meters. I'd looked around briefly for a large stick that Cloud might use to support his weight, but as luck wouldn't have it there were nought but twigs in that alleyway. Defeated, I ignored the fact that I wasn't feeling too good on my feet either, slinging Cloud's arm over my shoulders and soldiering on. My gown opened up at the back, but the streets were deserted enough for me to enjoy the cool breeze. And anyway, I was too mentally exhausted to care about decency.

Cloud was completely silent as we walked. He didn't pant, sigh or complain. He just kept his eyes on his feet, his mouth fixed in a firm line. I tried to be silent at first, but after a few minutes of the painfully slow pace I knew that I had to do something to keep my spirit up lest my strength should fail.

I took to creating a mantra.

At first I managed to pass the time by thinking of what my mantra should be. Just what was my guiding strength? Riku? No way, not that backstabbing bumhole. Mum and Dad? To me they seemed like almost half a person without each other. Axel? Even now, I have no idea what kind of condition he's in, let alone if he's still alive. I didn't want to think about that – I just did not have the energy to be scared for my friend. I had to save it all for Cloud.

Then I realized that Cloud had to be my guiding light. Eyeing the broken figure huddled next to me, I knew that Cloud didn't have the strength to guide me, and that I would have to carry him home all by my weak-ass self.

The despair that clutched me caused me to stumble, and Cloud nearly lost his grip on my shoulders. I grunted, trying to push him back up, but in that second I was seized by the sudden urge to just lay down and let the night claim me.

Even now, I'm not sure exactly what happened after that. Maybe the emotional and physical strain was causing me to hallucinate, or maybe there really are such things as ghosts. Either way, when I looked up, Leon was standing a few feet ahead of us. My guiding light had found me.

He smiled.

"You have to get him home."

Leon wasn't like ghosts in the movies, all pale and silvery sheen. He wasn't translucent, or floating, or even glowing. He looked perfectly, normally solid. I could tell that he wasn't really there, but I just couldn't place what was wrong about the sight.

"I'm not strong enough." I whined.

Leon clicked his tongue at me impatiently.

"Yes you are."

And almost as if I had just sat down and rested, I found that Cloud didn't seem as heavy, and that I didn't feel as tired. Although I had been staring directly at the apparition of Leon, he seemed to disappear so quietly I barely noticed.

I took another step forward. I could barely feel Cloud's weight on me. I looked over, to make sure he was still there, and saw that Cloud was being practically carried by the Leon that wasn't there, who had not dropped his mysterious little smile. Cloud's feet weren't touching the ground, but he didn't seem uncomfortable. In fact, he didn't seem to notice that he had his arm around two sets of shoulders.

I blinked, shaking my head. I _had_ to be hallucinating.

Leon winked at me over Cloud's head, just as he had done barely twelve hours before. It suddenly hit me as to why Leon seemed so unnatural – it looked to me like he was a moving photograph pasted into reality. He was flat; and though he was illuminated the same as everything around him, he had no proper shadows under his eyebrows or around his nose. He wasn't like a piece of paper, folding about in front of me, but rather a series of pictures that had been carefully cut around the edges. Still, the photo smiled.

I fought the urge to pass out.

We eventually got home. I expected Leon to disappear, but he helped me carry Leon right to the door. Once again, I waited for him to leave, but instead he lightly pushed me away and swept Cloud up into his arms, bridal-style, almost like he was weightless, all the while smiling lovingly at my brother. Cloud, again, didn't seem to notice that he was being carried – his head remained bowed, eyes down, mouth in a tight line. His fists clenched across his stomach.

I followed Leon through the house. He carried Cloud through the living room, up the stairs and nudged the door to my room open. Leon turned to me, never losing that ethereal smile, gesturing his head in the door. I paused, still only three quarters up the stairs.

"Shouldn't he be in his room?"

"He should be with you."

I shrugged and nodded. If Leon was a hallucination designed by my mind to stop me from going through the pain of carrying Cloud home myself, it was best to agree with him. My subconscious never spoke so directly to me before.

By the time I made it up the stairs, Leon was laying Cloud on the floor in my bedroom. I'd expected him to take the bed, but I wasn't about to argue. The bed appealed to me too much to give up. Once Cloud was down and comfortable, Leon sat on his knees beside my brother.

"Won't you stay?" I asked, leaning against the door frame.

Leon's lips tugged back into a grin as he shook his head, almost as if to say that I should have known the answer before I asked. I smiled back, musing that death must be kind as I had never seen the guy smile so much in life. He turned to Cloud.

"I gotta go now, Cloud." Leon said, that strange smile finally slipping from his face. "I'm out of time."

For the very first time since the taxi, Cloud acknowledged that he had been spoken to.

"Don't leave me here, its dark." He mumbled, eyes half closed.

I felt the tears sting at my eyes, but I didn't bother wiping them away. They tumbled down my cheeks as I watched on.

"It's only dark when you have your eyes shut."

Leon's hand stroked Cloud's cheek. Cloud's head twitched for a moment, almost as if he could feel his lover's hand.

"Good bye, but only for now."

"Love you."

"Love you too, silly thing."

And then Cloud was alone on the floor.

-x-

So that's pretty much everything brought up to speed.

In the last three weeks, I've fallen in and out of lust, pushed my boundaries further than they were meant to go and got tangled up with an old and horrific story. I've been lied to, pushed around, treated like shit and almost been killed. I have been seventeen for seven hours now, and I cannot feel any worse.

And at the epicentre of the chaos stands one man – my brother. The retard who burdened me all my life. The moron who couldn't protect me from his friends. The idiot who ruined my life.

I just spent about five minutes watching Cloud sleep. He looks so damn peaceful, laying there half naked. And all I can feel is rage. How can Cloud sleep after Leon's death? How can he live with himself, knowing that he survived and his love didn't? In addition to Axel's unknown condition, why is Cloud so fucking serene?

It's his fault that Leon's dead. And Axel's fault too. And Riku's. And mine. Good God, especially mine. The four of us played key roles in Leon's demise. We were the four walls of a house with Leon as the roof, and when we all ran in our own direction Leon fell. Every time I close my eyes I can see that ghostly Leon that might have been a figment of my imagination – he smiles at me every time I blink. He's so happy. So fucking happy. Happy to be free of this incredibly fucked up world.

All I've done these last few weeks is think with my dick and because of that Mum and Dad are separating and Leon's last few weeks were horrible. He had to watch Riku become the monster again, deal with the breakup of my parents. Just like he had to watch his three best friends fall apart at the seams all those years ago. He was always watching, always there for us, but he could never fix our problems and we never cared enough to help him with his burdens. And now he's dead. No wonder he's so relieved to be free.

And Axel? Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. All I can think is that if Axel is dead, I'll probably die too.

I just want to get up and smash shit around. I want to throw my chair from the window. I want to burn all of my books. I want to tear down my posters. I want to express the inner pandemonium by smashing and destroying everything I can get my hands on. God damn it, Leon is fucking rotting away in the morgue right now and Axel could be right next to him and all I can do about it is lie here and write words that **don't MEAN **_**ANYTHING**_**.**

-x-

**Bitch's Box:**** This concludes Roxas' memoir, but don't worry, my little friend. There's still a little more to go. **


	13. The Beginning

"I believe that the soul is like a puzzle." Cloud begins. He pauses for a moment and shuffles his notes, allowing his voice to echo from the cold stone walls of the church. Once the echo dies, this place of worship feels overwhelmingly empty and unloving. I fiddle with the hem of my dress shirt uncomfortably. The only sound I can hear is his heart breaking all over again. My brother clears his throat quietly and begins once more.

"When you're born, your soul is in pieces, and they aren't shaped yet. They don't fit together in any way, and there's no clue as to what picture they might make if pieced together. As you get older, they slowly start to form colours and shapes, but they still don't fit together just yet."

My eyes travel around the room. I'm sitting at the end of the pew, closest to the isle. Mum sits to my left, and beyond the space where Cloud had been sitting is Dad. My parents aren't sitting apart because they're still angry with each other, but because they had both wanted to hold Cloud's hand through the funeral. I feel left out not because nobody wanted to hold my hand, but only because Cloud doesn't have three hands to hold.

"When you get a little older, your pieces start to form jagged edges. They begin to piece together. But most of your pieces still won't fit with each other no matter how many times you try. Those parts of you just don't belong in your puzzle."

And if you're thinking that Cloud actually sounds a little smart right now, stop that. I wrote Leon's eulogy for him. Well, Cloud told me what he wanted to speak about and I wrote it down with eloquent yet simple language. The puzzle metaphor actually came from Cloud himself, which I thought was very deep and mature coming from him.

"But then you meet someone." Cloud's voice cracks a little, and he clears his throat again. When he's composed, his voice quivers slightly. "Someone who has a puzzle in pieces, just like you. And when you spend time with that person, your puzzle doesn't feel scattered or incomplete anymore. That's because they've swapped some of their odd pieces for your odd pieces, and you find that they fit your puzzle just right. And if enough time passes, and enough odd pieces are swapped, you can't tell which pieces were theirs and which were your own anymore, as it is both your puzzle and theirs. Your souls are one."

"That is when you're in love with someone."

Cloud pauses to wipe his eyes, though I haven't seen any tears on his cheeks yet. I sigh to myself - Cloud has to be the bravest guy I know, but he doesn't deserve this kind of pain. Beside me, Mum sniffles into a tissue. She's had the waterworks running ever since we sat down.

I turn my head and view the slightly empty crowd. My parents had organized Leon's funeral, as Leon's own parents had only shrugged their shoulders when I showed up on their doorstep with the police to deliver the news. They're nowhere to be seen today, but I have no difficulty spotting Axel in his wheelchair with an older couple I can only assume are his parents. His neck is in a brace and his head is completely shaved, but he's alive and for that we're all thankful.

A few rows behind them sulks Riku, with a very downcast Kairi leaning on his shoulder, wiping at her streaming eyes. I want to go over there and hug them both, but I remain where I am.

I think I can even see that blue-haired man that I first met at Cloud's housewarming party. His name escapes me at the moment, though I know I wrote it down at some point in my memoir.

Aside from those people, I don't really recognize anyone else. Some of them have funny hair colours and odd tattoos, so I can only assume they're from Leon's party circle. Even with them here, the empty spaces on the pews yawn hungrily. I turn back to Cloud.

He coughs gently again, but I can tell from the red on his cheeks that he's having difficulty keeping his emotions down. I shuffle in my seat uncomfortably.

"A-And when that person dies, the part of the puzzle you gave them dies too."

My ears prick up. I did not include that in the eulogy.

"And the bits of soul they gave to you die as well."

Cloud's voice raises an octave, shaking all over the place. Mum glances at me with concern.

"And you're left with half a soul."

That's it. I stand up. Mum tries to catch my sleeve, but I brush her off. Up on the makeshift podium, Cloud starts to sob with increasing volume, so I quicken my pace. Seconds later, I'm up with him at the altar, gently trying to take the notes from him. Cloud crumbles under my touch but hangs onto the notes as if he were a drowning sailor clutching to driftwood. He retreats to his seat, taking the notes with him.

Shit, I hadn't counted on being up here alone, much less without notes to keep me busy.

A little nervous, I fiddle with my shirt and apologize for Cloud. The crowd in front of me nod and mumble in agreement, and I know that they've forgiven Cloud already. Before I thought the church was empty, but now I'm up here it seems like I'm addressing a crowd of thousands.

Shit shit shit shit shit what do I say? I feel sweat on my top lip.

"It would have been about five years ago that I met Leon."

I pause and clear my throat. The silence is deafening.

"My first impression was that he was a quiet, shy guy. Which was a real improvement over Cloud's last boyfriend."

The audience chuckles a bit.

"From the first day I met him, Leon had a very quiet air about him. Quiet, yet observant. Almost as if he were absorbing everything around him – examining, analysing, learning. And though he didn't talk much, when he did speak his words were usually carefully planned out."

I scuff my feet. Aren't obituaries supposed to be flattering? So far I've just been rattling off observations.

"Leon was a very intelligent man, and he was never too busy to help me with my homework if I asked. I was quite happy that Cloud brought such a patient guy home, really." I smile "Because Leon put up with Cloud like nobody else could."

The crowd laughs. Cloud sobs.

I draw in a breath, no idea what I'm about to say next. "It's painfully ironic that today is Leon's nineteenth birthday."

The crowd is silent. For a second I wonder if any of them actually knew when Leon's birthday was. Cloud's sobs echo around the church, and I am struck by the lonely sound.

"It's a common saying, that the good die young. And it's true, because now Leon won't be growing into a grumpy old man whose only pleasure is yelling at whipper snappers."

Thankfully, the crowd chuckles again. I was worried I might offend them by mentioning how Leon won't be growing any older.

"The best birthday present any of us can give to Leon now is to keep him in our hearts on this special day, and on each of his birthdays to come."

The round of applause tells me that I've talked enough. I glance down at Mum, who is comforting a bawling Cloud, and then to Dad, who is tapping his watch. I instantly understand that it's not because I talked too long, but because it's time to begin the wake.

I address the crowd again. "Well, people, you're all personally invited by the McCartney family to The Third Eyebrow for Leon's wake, where we will honour his life with drugs and hookers."

The crowd erupts into laughter. The Third Eyebrow isn't the kind of pub anyone goes to if they plan to keep their teeth.

I cough and glance about innocently. "Did I say drugs and hookers? The Third Eyebrow? You guys have been friends with Leon too long."

The laughter is booming. I'm glad that Leon's friends all have a sense of humour. Mum is glaring at me from the front row like she's about to kill me, but she's the only person who seems to mind my jokes. Cloud is sobbing into her chest too loudly to pay attention to anything I've said.

"Please join us at the Ocean's View restaurant, where there will be various beverages and nibblies. Please leave all drugs and hookers at the door."

The applause is quite loud. I actually feel pretty good about my speech – maybe it wasn't the best obituary, but it certainly made everyone feel a little better. The minister, who had been leaning against the back wall and checking his watch every few minutes, hits the play button on the CD player and the sound of a sombre choir greets us. After a minute or so, the mourners seem to realize that Leon's ceremony is over, and begin to file out of the church.

I turn to the urn on the pedestal beside me. Leon was cremated this morning, and now all he ever was is resting inside this chic black glass. It seems strange that a whole person can fit in such a tiny container. Even more bizarre is that a person I once knew resides in there – A person who once had hair, eyes, fingers, organs… feelings and thoughts.

I wipe my eyes before the tears can flow. I know The Ocean's View restaurant sounds like a fancy one, sure, but it's actually just a budget pub just across the street. From where I stand I can actually see people crossing the street to get over there. But right now I wish that we could honour Leon in a place much fancier – as simple as his life was, it would have been nice to do something formal for him.

Mum, Dad and Cloud approach the alter. I watch on as Cloud ever so gently picks up the black urn and cradles it in his arms, almost reverently. Though his shoulders are so very still, I watch a tiny droplet fall onto the smooth glass. I look at Mum and Dad, and we agree in silence to give Cloud some time alone. We make our way down the isle.

Axel calls my name, and Mum and Dad continue walking away. I look down at my friend, whose face is still purple and scabby. He looks funny with a buzzcut, but it's not overly noticeable as his head is tightly bandaged. Added to the tear stains on his face, the leg braces and the bandages, Axel does not look in good shape.

He looks almost like he's about to say something, but when he opens his mouth no words come out. I bend down, put my arms around his shoulders and squeeze him as tightly as I can without hurting him. His good arm goes around my back and holds me closer, and I can feel his shoulders shake with contained sobs. His head rests against my shoulder, and I wish I could pick him up and cradle him in my lap.

"It's okay to cry, you know." I mumble.

Axel sniffs and lets me go. "It's all my fault."

I sigh at him, knowing full well that I can tell him it's not his fault until I turn blue in the face, but it won't change how he feels. "Come on, there's some seafood across the street with or names written on it."

I push Axel's chair down the isle, where his parents are waiting. When I get to the door Axel's mum takes the handles from me, so I stop and look back at the altar.

Riku steps between me and the altar.

Axel bristles at him, but I sigh. "Axel, don't worry. I'll just talk to him for a little minute."

"Alright, but if he says anything rude I will roll back in here run him over." Axel snarls as his mum wheels him away.

Riku sighs briefly and gestures to the pew he is standing next to. I sit down and shuffle over so Riku takes the seat next to me.

"What's the matter? You haven't spoken to me since Monday." He says, and he's right. He tried to call me yesterday and the day before, but I never picked up my phone.

"I've been taking care of Cloud." I mumble, looking up to the altar. Cloud is standing right where I left him, still cradling that cold black urn. "He's in pretty bad shape."

Riku quirks an eyebrow at me. "That's not it, is it? You're not wearing that ring I gave you."

I turned to look at him. Honesty is the best way, I suppose. "Well, when you left on Monday I tried calling your house. Sora picked up."

Riku sighs and leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "Did he, now?"

"And he so politely told me that he had been fucking your brains out the night before."

Riku looks at me soberly. "And you believe him?"

I pause.

"What do you know about Sora, Roxas? He is a bitter, jealous liar. Has anything he ever said about me been the truth?"

I pause and sort through my memories. "Well, not really."

Riku sits back and smiles. "So what's the problem?"

I shrug. "I guess I believed him."

Riku runs his hand across his scalp. "Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you."

"I'm pretty sure that's the other way around."

Riku shrugs and grabs at my hand. "Either way, we should go and get some food."

I wince and pull my hand away gently.

"What? What's wrong?"

I sigh and look up at Cloud, who has sunk down onto the step with that urn still in his hands. He is still as stone.

"I know how it was with Reno."

Riku's eyes disappear under his fringe.

"Don't say that."

"It's my fault Leon's gone."

Riku scowls at me. "Don't you start that shit either."

I shrug and look at my feet. "But it's true. We were in the car because they were taking me out to dinner."

He sighs and sits back. "Roxas, you can't assign blame for something like this. Maybe it was your birthday, but Axel was driving. And true, Axel was driving, but I distracted him. And I was out on the street because I couldn't get Sora to leave my house. You can't assign blame to the truck driver who hit Axel's car, or to the people who programmed the lights to go red just as they did. It wouldn't be fair to blame Cloud for deciding that Leon was important enough to you for him to bring Leon along. There's just too many factors and variables to assign sole blame to anyone for an accident like this. And that's all it was, really. A terrible accident."

I twiddle my thumbs, willing myself not to cry. But of course, I do.

"And that was how you lived with yourself after Reno?"

Riku nods, a little sadly. "If you take the sole blame you'll end up destroying yourself with guilt."

And suddenly, I realize he is completely right.

I blamed Cloud for ruining my life. But it wasn't Cloud's fault Riku and I took a liking to each other – it wasn't even Leon's fault. Cloud couldn't control my interactions with Riku any more than I could. Mum and Dad breaking up, that wasn't Cloud's direct doing either. It's not Cloud's fault Leon is dead.

The memories of everything I have ever blamed on my brother hit me like a thousand knives. My brother didn't ruin my life.

I did.

I'm shaking a little, so Riku puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. And now I know what it is I need to do. I know who I need to give my love to.

"I like you – a lot, but I need more time." I say, looking right into his eyes.

Riku's face is completely straight.

"Right now I just need to make sure Cloud is okay."

Riku gazes over at Cloud without really seeing him, and I'm gripped by the fear that he will just get up and walk out of my life forever. But Riku only nods gently. "Well, I'm going to wait for you, Roxas. You take as much time as you need, but when you find you need me, just give me a call and I'll be there."

He reaches up and strokes my cheek tenderly, holding my head in the crook of his arm. His smile is sad, but I'm glad that he understands what I need.

"So, this is goodbye?"

I smile back.

"Only for a little while."

Riku chuckles and kisses me very slowly and gently. With a final stroke of my cheek, he stands up, straightens his shirt, and exits the building.

After a moment or so, I stand up as well. I also straighten my shirt. I reach into my pocket and pull out the sterling silver ring Riku gave me for my birthday and slip it comfortably over my middle finger. It's cold on my skin. Before the funeral I'd wondered why I had bothered to find the ring amongst the piles of dirty clothes on my floor. I had no idea why I took to carrying it around in my pocket as I helped arrange Leon's cremation and memorial ceremony. But as I walk up to the altar, where Cloud is sitting with the urn in his lap and his face in his hands, I know it's because I never really did give up on Riku. I sit down next to my brother and put my arm around his shoulders. Cloud leans against me, but remains deathly silent.

I have the rest of my life to figure out this romance thing. But right now, in this second, in this heartbeat, the man who needs me the most is my brother. And I was never there for him before, I never loved him like he did me. He always tried to include me in his life and make me happy, but all I ever did in return was complain that he was ruining my life.

And now I know that without Cloud, I didn't have a life.

I still have Cloud, and this ring around my finger reminds me that there are other people out there who care for me as well. So I suppose, now that all has been said and done, that my life wasn't really ruined. In fact, I've gained so many precious things over the last few weeks – many more gained than lost. So many memories, lessons and new friends. In that way it's fair to say that I didn't lose a life, but I gained one.

And oh, what a batshit crazy life this is. But this is my life, and I wouldn't trade it away for anything.

-x-

**Ramble:**** Well, I have finally finished this beast! Over the last two and a half years I have filled over a hundred and thirty pages with almost seventy thousand words, and now I have no idea what to do with myself now it's over. XD Perhaps I'll get bored and construct another epilogue, set a year or so after these events, as I know there are a few loose ends that haven't really been tied up. What say you, dear reader, yay or nay?**

**And what do you know, Roxas learns not to be an immature brat and it turns out Riku is actually a good guy on the inside. And even though this is a dramatic, romantic comedy, Roxas does not need a boyfriend to be happy! It was my intention from the very beginning to have Roxas finish this story just as single as he began. He does not belong solely to Axel, people.**

**T****his is the part where I have to thank that wonderful handful of people who would always reward me for updating by sending me loving, inspiring and sometimes downright hilarious messages of feedback. It's the greatest thing a writer can ask for, really – for people to connect with and enjoy your story. Writing wasn't always easy, as I often faced bumps, obstacles and even the story getting a little too close and personal at times. But no matter how late or short my updates were, I always received a truck ton of love in return. You guys rock my world, and it's an honour to be able to entertain such an admirable group of people.**


	14. Life Goes On

The world outside the window is cold, wet and grey. Angry clouds thunder overhead, flashing occasionally with a clap of lightning, gently illuminating the darkened street below for a brief moment. Dozens of raindrops hit the window with gentle smacks before trickling downwards and disappearing behind the half-closed curtains. The scene kind of sets a gloomy, forlorn mood. Well, it would if the inside of my house weren't decorated elaborately with bright balloons and fluorescent streamers.

From the way Cloud is smiling as he shoves his face with birthday cake, you'd forget that this isn't only my eighteenth birthday party, but also the one year anniversary of Leon's death.

I glance about the room as I idly spear some more cake onto my fork. Mum and Dad are standing over by the kitchen door, chatting happily and occasionally feeding each other a mouthful of cake. After Leon died they decided that Cloud needed them more than they needed to be away from each other, so they went to some expensive shrink in the city. As well as draining their wallets, it seemed to actually work for them. They went on a second honeymoon a few months ago, to some budget island beach resort, and since they got back they've been sickeningly close.

I watch Mum stand on her toes to peck Dad on the lips. I remember I always used to look away when people were kissing in front of me, but now I don't really care. Kissing isn't such a big deal anymore. And anyway, it's nicer to watch my parents kiss than watching them scream at each other.

Cloud is sitting at the table, attacking a massive piece of birthday cake. Over the last year he's developed some delicate lines around his eyes and mouth that don't quite fade after he smiles. But today, other than those tiny lines on his face, it's hard to tell exactly what my brother went through this last year. But man, it sure was hard on him. I actually feel lucky that he's still here for my eighteenth birthday.

I should have known something was wrong with Cloud after Leon's service had finished. But as it was, I thought it was just his immediate grief that was making him silent. When we got Cloud home from the wake, he was quiet as a stone. The days went by and Cloud never spoke a word. Eventually, I went back to school and life returned to the way it had been before Cloud moved out, but Cloud didn't snap out of his deathly silence. I tried to get him to talk to me, but he refused to make a sound. He was responsive and he knew exactly what was going on around him, but he never had any opinion to offer on anything. After a week or so, we took him to a counsellor who immediately submitted him to the hospital.

Cloud celebrated the New Year in a special mental hospital, under heavy grief counselling and a suicide watch, even though he'd never showed any signs that he wanted to hurt himself. The hospital was two or three train stops away from my school, so I used to go in after school each day and talk to him. Some days I'd read my homework to him, other days I'd read a short novel to him. Once or twice I drew stupid cartoons for him, but I never was very good at drawing. More often than not I'd just talk to him about random things, such as news from home, gossip from school or even current world events. I explained a new tax levy to him one day and the next I described the second honeymoon our parents were planning.

When I spoke to him, Cloud would watch my mouth, almost as if he couldn't quite catch the words that were coming out. Eventually his attention would wander and he would fiddle his fingers or stare at one spot on the wall, almost like he was waiting for me to leave him be. It was tough, talking to someone who'd once been so full of life and was now so unresponsive. One day I missed the train to the hospital and ended up catching a later train directly home. When I walked into Cloud's room the following afternoon, he saw me and called out "Roxy!"

And it was that moment when I knew my brother would be okay.

The black urn that contained Leon's ashes was never far from his side in those days – He kept it with him in the hospital, even going as far as to carry it around with him while walking through the wards. When he got home he was a little better, confining it to his bedside table, but he would spend hours sitting on his bed, stroking the sides of the container. Eventually a counsellor put it in his head that he had to spread the ashes somewhere, which I suspect was a subtle way of forcing him to let go and move on. For a while Cloud scouted around town for the perfect place to set his lover free, but once I mentioned the cool place Axel had taken me once, his heart was set.

It was a chilly day in June when Leon was finally laid to rest. A breezy day, I recall. The climb to the top of the tower was just as long and exhausting as I remembered, but not as scary when I was with Axel and Cloud. The sunset was more beautiful than I remembered, if that's even possible. Axel and I stood back as Cloud whispered to the urn for a few minutes, saying his final goodbyes. Finally, he was ready, and his face was wet as he pulled the sealed lid away and tossed the grey ashes into the breeze. They kind of swirled over our heads for a long moment before being scattered in every direction and falling to the earth below. From that moment on I knew Leon was truly at peace.

I sigh internally as I remember Leon and the hours following his death. I remember feeling so outraged at the injustice the world had heaped onto our shoulders, so I wrote the entire story in an old notebook I'd had sitting about in my room. I think I completely filled it up with my whining and bitching, too. It helped me with a lot of things, such as realizing that the whole fiasco wasn't Cloud's fault and that I was seriously out of line to blame it all on him, but the most important thing it forced me to see was that I was not personally shaken by Leon's death.

Oh yeah, I'd initially buried myself in Cloud's troubles to keep my own pain at bay. For a time, it worked. But when enough time had passed and I looked into my own heart, the only grief I had for Leon was pity for his loved ones. At first I was pretty disgusted with myself for not feeling bad like everyone else seemed to, but then it just struck me that I was never terribly close to Leon. I never cried when he was gone, and he wouldn't have cried for me either. That's not to say I don't care at all, but I've spent the past year of my life taking care of those who were shaken the worst by Leon's untimely death. Leon is in a safe place now, and worrying over him would just be a waste of energy.

Cloud's shovelling cake into his face hole right now, and it almost makes me forget that I haven't seen him smile in weeks. I turn my gaze to the man sitting next to him, eating just as enthusiastically yet with a little less energy. Axel's flaming red hair has barely grown back over the last year. When they shaved it off it reached halfway down his back, but now it's just grazing his shoulders. I suppose his hair just grows a little slower than most people's.

Axel's life over the past year has also been an interesting one. Over Christmas he kind of dropped off the face of the Earth. He didn't respond to my messages or calls, and when I called his work looking for him his boss told me that Axel had quit. I even stopped by his tiny apartment once or twice, but nobody ever came to the door.

I'll admit, at first I was worried. When Cloud was speaking again I asked him where Axel might have gone off to, but Cloud merely shrugged absently and assured me Axel would be fine. At first, I didn't believe him. As morbid as it sounds, every week I would read the obituaries in the paper, praying that I wouldn't find Axel's name. Thankfully, I never did.

Axel reappeared almost as abruptly as he had disappeared. One afternoon in February I was sitting at my desk, doing homework or whatever, when I noticed from the corner of my eye a battered red car pulled up in the driveway. I peered at it curiously as the door opened - when Axel clambered out I was up, my chair was on the floor and I was running for the stairs. When I got to the front door he was just about to knock, but I threw it open and flung my arms around him. He was a little fleshier and softer than I'd remembered; a sign he had at least been eating and resting plenty. He was still all bandaged up and had a cast on one of his legs, but when I asked about it he just winked at me and told me he was driving an automatic car and not to tell the doctor.

Initially he was exactly as I had known him before the accident, but as the weeks went by it became increasingly apparent that he was just putting on a brave face. His weight quickly dwindled back to how he had been before, but after that he just kept getting thinner and thinner. And judging by the deep shadows stretching across his cheeks, I don't think he slept much either. One day his hands just wouldn't stop shaking and he had a few terrifying dizzy spells. I was pretty convinced that Axel wasn't taking care of himself and shared my worries with Mum, who put her foot down and practically adopted him as a third son.

Axel came to live with us for a while. He worked something like five hours a day to pay for the rent on his abandoned apartment, but when he wasn't at work he was sleeping or eating. He cleaned out our pantry in a matter of weeks, even though he was fed two large meals daily. He slept in the cellar, where Leon had once slept while he was saving money for his own place. Axel ate, slept and worked, but he continued to waste away. His cheekbones jutted out from his face with alarming clarity and I could quite easily see his ribs through his thickest shirt. No matter how much he ate, he just kept losing weight at a frightening rate. His hair even began to fall out.

It was about then that I realized two things. Firstly, it was sheer guilt and depression eating away at him. And secondly, if I didn't get some real help for him, and soon, Axel would die.

That was when I called on the only person I knew who could help Axel – the only person I knew had been through the same thing and survived. He was also the one person I had avoided for months.

Riku didn't sound at all surprised when I rang him one afternoon in April and told him about the state Axel was in. In fact, he sounded almost like he had been waiting for me to call for help. He was at my house within the hour, and after a brief chat with me promptly locked himself in the cellar where an unsuspecting Axel slept.

I waited by the door for hours. Within the first few minutes I could hear a frail shouting, followed by a weak crash, but after that subdued I could only make out Riku's gentlest tone. I'm not sure how long they were talking, but I know it was for a number of hours. I hated to leave the door, but I did eventually duck away for a few bathroom or snack breaks. I needn't have worried, though – when they were done they came looking for me. The three of us sat down on the kitchen floor and ate two minute noodles that I had whipped together.

I can't say that Axel and Riku were thick as thieves after that, but I noticed a definite respect between the two after that evening. Neither has ever told me what they spoke about or how they fixed the problem, but I think Riku taught Axel how to cope with the guilt. And as Riku was there for Axel when he was needed the most, Axel learned that Riku wasn't such a terrible person. I'll never mention it to anybody else, but I think Axel began to forgive Riku that night.

Axel's recovery wasn't instant, nor was it fraught with setbacks and bumps, but it was hard on all of us. He actually ate a little less, but when he ate something it began to stick with him instead of just passing right through. His cheeks softened and filled out as his arms lost their sharp, bony feel. It took time, but when his clothes fit him properly I breathed a little easier, knowing that he would not die on me.

His relationship with Cloud worried me at first. Cloud got out of the hospital around the same time Axel came to stay with us, and at first each would just mope in his separate corner. When Axel got better and moved back into his apartment in late May, Cloud seemed to perk up a little bit. I was terrified that they'd eventually grow to hate each other. They certainly hadn't spoken much while they were living in the same house. But I needn't have worried – Once Cloud let Leon go in June, he became a different person. Much quieter and grumpier, but he also seemed a lot older than he really was. He didn't laugh or smile much, nor did he attempt to break the law or attend wild parties. His driving also improved tenfold. He treated everyone as if they were just friendly acquaintances, even his family. While that was tough to deal with, it quickly became apparent that he did not hold any kind of grudge against Axel. For that I was thankful.

My gaze falls away from the cheerful Axel. I scoop a little more cake onto my fork and press it into my mouth, feeling the rich chocolate melt over my taste buds. My eyes flick back to the window, gazing past the trails and specks of rain and to the dark, wet and totally deserted driveway. My brother has all of my love, and so does my best friend. But they don't need me anymore.

And I'm sad.

I haven't spoken to Riku in almost two months. The last time I heard from him he was texting me about something trivial – a movie or book or something – and when the conversation died out neither of us made an effort to rekindle our friendship. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure if I saw him tomorrow we'd get along well enough, but I don't know Riku any better than I did a year ago. And seeing as the last time I touched him was when he kissed me at Leon's funeral, I think I've actually fallen out of his life by now.

But he hasn't fallen out of mine.

It doesn't happen every night, or even every week, but once in a while I'll have a really vivid dream about him. Nothing sexual or even remotely exciting, but for seven or eight hours of my life he is with me again, laughing with me, holding my hand and sometimes even kissing me. The dreams feel so real that when I wake up in the morning I'll roll over and expect to see him sleeping next to me. But, of course, he never is.

I don't think of him much during the day when I've got school or friends and brothers to take care of, but I often think of him when I'm alone in my single bed at night. I remember what it was like to lay with him, curled up together comfortably, and I imagine that he is there with me. Sometimes, in my imagination, he has no clothes on.

Those are the nights when I'm loneliest.

True to his word, Riku did wait for me. At first he waited a few days. But before either of us knew it he had waited weeks, and as the time slipped right by Riku had been waiting for months. But when he did bring it up every now and then, I was never ready for him. But Riku was patient for the first two months. The first four. Six. But when the tenth month crept by and our point of contact was virtually non-existent, I began to wonder if Riku really was waiting for me. He's a pretty popular guy and I'm still a social hermit – it would be easy for him to screw about without me ever finding out. Although I do trust him, I just get the feeling that he isn't mine anymore, even though he never really was. Logically, I hope he's moved on and found someone who could fulfil all of his needs. But that doesn't stop me from wishing he would call.

Axel asked me about him the other day. Since Riku helped pull him out of his rut the two have been loose friends, occasionally meeting up for lunch or catching an action flick together. But I was never invited. When Axel asked if I still spoke to him, my reply was rather pathetic.

"_Um, not really. I haven't spoken to him for a few weeks now. I really do want to talk to him, but I think he's probably moved on by now. "_

"_Why don't you ask him?"_

"_Because I'm hoping he isn't pathetic enough to wait a year for me."_

"_But you've been waiting until you're ready for him?"_

"_I didn't have much going on for me in the first place."_

"_And are you ready?"_

"_I might be."_

And it's true. There was a girl at school I got pretty friendly with a number of months back, Naminé was her name, but she just wasn't Riku. She was pretty, very pretty, and she was into all of the same things as me, but she just didn't make my heart flutter like it had when I was with Riku. When I told Naminé as much she cried beautiful tears and wilted like a rose in a cupboard. She doesn't talk to me anymore either, surprise surprise.

I eat the last of my cake. Maybe I should invest in a cat - or several - so that I don't die utterly alone.

As I finish up my cake, the silver ring on my right middle finger gleams at me. It's a bit scratched up from being worn for three hundred and sixty two days straight, but it's still the most beautiful thing I have to my name. No matter what happens to me in the end or how much time passes, it will always be invaluable.

"Presents!" Shouts Mum. I grin despite myself. There may only be four people at my birthday party, but the pile of brightly-wrapped packages in the middle of the table has been growing and growing throughout the night. I never did get over my childish love of receiving presents.

"Ah, look at him, he's all excited now." Smirks Axel.

I shrug. "What can I say? Presents come but twice a year."

We all have a good chuckle. Cloud picks out a blue package from the pile and tosses it my way, grinning just like he used to. I tear neatly at the side of the wrapping, and something soft falls onto my hand. It's a checkered wristband, black and white, made of some warm cotton. I grin, pulling it onto my left wrist.

"Thanks, Cloud! It's really cool."

"There's some more in there." Comes the reply.

I dig around in the package and find what appear to be two miniature wrist bands, made for fingers. One is black, the other is white. I examine them carefully. "Are these in case my fingers feel left out?"

Cloud shrugs. "They all came in the same package. I thought you'd like them."

I grin. "And I do! Very unique."

They fit my fingers snugly.

Dad steps forward and tugs a long, flat parcel from the bottom of the pile. From the way he hands it to me with both hands I assume it's heavy, but when I get a grip on it I find it rather light.

"Careful with that one, Roxas." Dad winks. "It's fragile." Grinning, I pretend to drop it, grabbing it tightly at the last second. For a moment there Dad looks like he's about to have a heart attack, but then he grins and laughs with me. Mum glares at me from the kitchen door.

I place it gently on the table and tear away the bright paper – and for a moment, I can't speak.

There, in a tidy white box, sits my very own laptop. The first computer I've ever had entirely to myself.

"We figured it would really help you for school." Beams Mum, wrapping her arm around Dad's waist. "And maybe even for a couple of computer games. But not too many!" She adds quickly, much to everyone else's amusement.

I stumble over to my parents, still a little shocked, and they seize me into a big hug. I nose into their shoulders, breathing in their mixed scents. I feel grateful that I can hug them both at the same time.

"Thank you guys so much."

Axel pipes in once the parents let me go. "I know you don't know much about computers, but this is one of the best ones money can buy. I'll help you set it up if you like."

I scowl at him, tugging the lid off the box. "I know how to set up a computer on my own, man." Inside the box, the design is minimalistic. The white machine sits perfectly in the white box, displaying a decal of an apple with a bite taken out of it on the top. I run my finger over the apple, feeling the groves. I've seen these laptops before, and I believe that picture lights up when the machine is on. I'm not a hundred per cent certain about that though.

Later, though. I pop the lid back on the box, ignoring the call of the shiny new computer. There will be time for that later.

"What about you, Axel?" Cloud asks. Axel is fiddling with his phone and looks up, slightly guiltily.

"My present isn't something I could wrap, if you know what I mean. Put your coat on, Roxas, it's waiting for you outside."

I don't really want to leave my shiny new laptop, but I obediently tug my shoes back on and drape my jacket around my shoulders. Axel stands slowly, as he always has since he almost starved to death, and leads me to the door. I look over my shoulder to see that nobody else has moved. Cloud grins at me, and I am suddenly struck by the impression that everyone was in on this.

We walk through the house and to the front door. I hope the present is a bike, I'm sick of walking or catching a bus or train everywhere I go. Or maybe it's even a car, as bikes do tend to fit through doors. It's possible Axel put some old car together for me.

But when I get out the door and finally see my present, I feel rather silly because I should have known what it really was.

Riku.

My heart stops beating for a terrifying second. Riku's a little wet with the rain, so his long silver hair hangs together in wet clumps, longer than I remember, and his long leather jacket is done up tightly around his muscular figure. He smiles at me over his upturned collar and my heart suddenly remembers how to beat again. Painfully fast.

I hear the door shut behind me. Axel's gone. I zip up my jacket, suddenly freezing cold. We're standing under the tiny front porch, so we aren't getting rained on, but I am getting a bit wet from the water spraying against the ground. It occurs to me that I have nothing to say to this man.

Thankfully though, Riku doesn't have the same problem. He reaches me with one stride and I find myself buried in the folds of his leather jacket, locked in a bone-cracking hug. His arms wrap around me tightly, holding my melting body together just like he used to. I move my head slightly and his upturned collar falls away, revealing the smooth skin of his neck. I push my warm nose into his cold flesh and sigh. For the first time in what feels like forever, I feel completely and utterly comfortable.

I pull away from Riku after a long moment, and he seems a little disappointed.

"Hey there, Roxas." He smiles, brushing any negativity away from his features.

"I've missed you." I admit sheepishly. My cold hands dig into my pockets and clench into fists.

"You didn't have to." Riku tuts, also tucking his hands into his pockets.

I grin apologetically. "I know. I thought you'd have moved on by now."

"Nobody else would put up with my snoring, as it were." He grins mischievously.

I frown. I never shared a bed with Riku, nor was I ever in his presence while he was sleeping, so I actually have no idea if he snores, or if I would put up with it. Normally I don't have any tolerance for that kind of thing.

"You snore?"

He chuckles. "No."

It suddenly occurs to me that he is making a joke, so I laugh a little with him. My laughter is nervous and shaky, so I mentally slap myself. Stop being so awkward and nervy, Roxas! Joke, joke, make some kind of joke. Ease it all out.

"What about that creepy stalker of yours? I'm sure he'd put up with your snoring." I grin and stand on my toes, peering past Riku in mock suspicion. "He's not still following you around, is he?"

Riku quirks an eyebrow at me, smiling that tiny little smile of his. "He's in Indonesia at the moment, building orphanages."

I do a double take. "What?"

Riku explains to me how Sora spent his holiday season sleeping on Riku's doorstep – that was until Riku was forced to move back in with his mum and Kairi because he couldn't cover the rent for the apartment on his own. Sora made the mistake of breaking into their house early one morning in February and met misfortune with a softball bat (Thick aluminium, Riku stresses to me) at the hands of Riku's mum, who mistook him for a thief. One messy court battle with uninterested pro-bono lawyers later, Sora emerged with a restraining order and a sum of about a hundred dollars compensation for having his ribs broken.

Riku goes on to tell me how Sora did a disappearing act after that, and he isn't quite sure what Sora was up to around the time he helped Axel out of his rut. About the same time Cloud was saying his final goodbyes to Leon, Riku received a post card in the mail that had a picture of the Istanbul Mosque on it and no return address. All it read was 'Wish you were here. S.'

"Sora was in Turkey?"

"That's not the end of it, either."

Riku goes on to tell me about how he would receive a post card from a different country once a month or so, each as mysterious as the last. The last one was from Indonesia, depicted a beach paradise and had a glossy photo taped to the back in place of the usual cryptic message. Riku describes the picture as a grainy shot of Sora painting a wall alongside a group of volunteers in a tropical area with children playing in the foreground. It was dated at the fifth of November.

"It's like I told you once," Riku concludes, his eyes glimmering with a hidden smile "Sora is a pretty good guy, he loves to help people, but he'd become all twisted and bitter after the fiasco with Reno. I'm glad that he's out there, seeing the world. All he was doing in this city was wasting away - Sora always did love travelling." He smiles fondly. "I get the feeling that he's happier right now than he's been in a very long time."

I grin. "That's really cool. Do you think he'll ever come back?"

Riku shrugs, twirling a strand of his hair around absently. "Who knows? I've got a feeling he might just turn up one day – and I kind of hope he does – but that kid has a lot of soul searching to do before he returns."

I rub my cold cheek thoughtfully. "Why didn't you get a restraining order out on him before all of that? Hell, he was stalking you for a few years, wasn't he? Why'd you put up with it for so long?"

Riku sighed and shrugged. "At first, I suppose, it was because I still wanted to be his friend even if I couldn't let myself be with him anymore. I wanted things to go back to the way they had been before that catastrophe. But time has a funny way of changing things, I've learned, and as the years went by the idea of a restraining order seemed kind of silly. I mean, I'd already put up with his crazy ass for a couple of years, what's the point in getting help now? I threatened him with it when he got too out-of-hand, but I don't think I ever actually intended to forcibly remove him from my life."

"So why did your mum get a restraining order on him, if you didn't want it?"

"I live under her roof these days, Roxas, so I live under her rules. She was the one paying for the window Sora smashed to get in. Although I'm a grown man now, if Mum says no crazy people are allowed on the property, I'd better get my thickest boots on and kick the crazy people out." Riku and I have a good old laugh, but when the chuckles die away he gives me a sober expression. "To be brutally honest, I actually kind of missed him when he disappeared. In some sick way, he was a part of my life and he always had been, just as I'd always been a part of his. We've known each other since we were kids, y'know?"

"Do you still miss him?"

Riku shrugged. "Not anymore, I guess. He's happy in his emerging countries and my mum is happy her house is safe, so all's well for now." He flicks his hand idly.

Try as I might, I just can't understand why Riku never got sick of Sora's shit. Sora made Riku's life so incredibly difficult, but Riku just took it all in his stride. I'm not sure if that tolerance is a good thing, but at least Sora's out of the picture for now.

"Anyway, off that depressing topic. I've been told that your birthday is tomorrow, so I brought you a peace offering in the form of a present. Eighteen is a big milestone, so I bought you something nice." He starts digging about in his pockets, almost like he forgot where he put it.

I grin. "I hope it's a stripper."

Riku cracks a tiny smile, but doesn't stop searching through his pockets. "Totally, Roxas, I got you a stripper. Sit down so she can give you a look at her finest genital warts."

That gets me. I crack up, just a little. When I've calmed down and wiped my eyes, Riku tosses me a flat black box about the size of my palm. Inside sits a small silver cross on a silver chain. But it isn't a religious cross, it's more of an X, each point thickening almost like a barb or thorn. The necklace has a good weight behind it – I'm guessing it's also sterling silver and once held a pretty impressive price tag.

I look up at Riku, beaming. "Thank you so much."

He smiles down at me fondly, and I get the impression that he hasn't really smiled like that in a while. He reaches forward and plucks the necklace from the box. But when he goes to fasten it around my neck, I shy away instinctively.

"Hey, it's okay." Riku coaxes me gently. "Hold still."

Against my better judgement, I stand rock still while Riku does up the clasp behind my neck. His fingers brush gently over my skin, lightly at first, but then I feel his palms on my shoulders and I know he's not doing it accidentally. I meet Riku's gaze and instantly look away, face burning.

"I've missed you." He breathes. His grip on my shoulders tightens slightly as he pulls me closer.

I bristle slightly. Is he bribing me for affection? "You can't just waltz up to me after we haven't spoken in months and expect me to fall back into your arms, Riku." I look up at him and wince at the pain I see, so I look at my feet again. "I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way anymore."

His arms envelop around me, pulling me closer. And though I'll admit that it feels wonderful to be held by Riku again, it only serves to increase my irritation. Did he listen to me at all? I'm still looking away, but when Riku speaks again I realize just how close we are.

"Roxas, look at me."

I risk a glance up at him. Our noses are centimetres apart. If Riku didn't have a good grip on me, I might have fallen by now.

"It won't be like that again." He assures me. His voice is nothing but a low, smooth rumble.

"You can't know that." I mumble. I think my face is straight enough, but I am pretty close to shitting myself right about now. My heart seems to be trying to tear its way out of my ribcage.

Riku's long eyebrows tug upwards sadly. He must have been pretty lonely over the last year. Just like me.

"Would you kill me if I kissed you just once?" He whispers.

"I might." I squeak.

His tiny grin tells me that he is willing to take that risk.

My eyes fall closed as Riku kisses me, gently at first, cradling my head in his arm in that way that makes it almost impossible to stand. My grip on him tightens, and in return he kisses me harder. He tastes like strawberries, and I don't care why. The world around us seems to melt away. I don't know how long it goes on for, but when he pulls away my lips are wet.

I step away from Riku, covering my mouth with my sleeve. As much as I'd love to be swept off my feet and carried off into the sunset, that was the logic that got me into so much trouble a year ago. If I learned anything last year, it was that Riku was not and is not a knight in shining armour. I glance at him over my sleeve – Riku is staring at me, maybe a little worried. I asked him for time once, but now I feel I must ask it of him again.

"I want some more time." I say eventually, emerging from my makeshift hiding place.

I don't want time to be ready. We've waited long enough for that. What I want time for is to get to know him again, to slowly weasel my way towards him. Jumping right into a sexual relationship with this man I barely know is just asking for trouble. I learned all this the hard way.

"More… time?" Riku asks, and I can almost hear his voice cracking a little under his confidence.

"I want more time with you. I want to catch a movie with you, or to have lunch, or go for a walk, or just even hang out, y'know?"

Riku smiles – almost as if with relief – and tugs at his jacket collar slightly. "I think I can grant you that time."

As he tugs at his collar, I notice something shiny fall out of the top of his jacket. It comes to a rest just above his sternum, and I realize with a jolt that it's the pendant I gave to Riku a year ago. It's on a different chain now, and it looks a little aged with use, but there it is!

"That necklace." I breathe "You still have it!"

Riku tugs gently at the necklace around his neck. "The leather strap wore right through, and I almost lost it down a storm drain, but I still have it here. You still have that ring?"

I raise my hand in front of his face. "I've worn it every day since Leon's funeral."

Riku's expression saddens as he nods. "I miss him."

"I know you do."

To be totally honest, it had never crossed my mind that Riku might miss Leon. The two had obviously been close as they'd lived together for a number of years, but after watching Cloud and Axel fall apart so many times I'd forgotten that Leon had meant something to other people. I feel stupid.

"He was my best friend." Riku mumbles, staring past my shoulder absently at something that isn't there. I feel a slight chill.

A little awkwardly, I lean forward on my toes and peck at Riku's lips. It's not much of a kiss, really, just a chaste little thing, but when I pull away I get the feeling that I'd cheered him up with that simple action more than I could have with words.

As I inhale, I'm assaulted by the scent of strawberries. I clear my throat a little and enquire as to why.

The answer was casual. "I quit smoking about a month ago. The cravings were pretty bad at first, so I started chewing gum to keep my mouth busy. And it's just like my addiction switched from nicotine to sugar."

We have a good old chuckle. "What were your reasons behind quitting?" I ask.

Riku shrugs. "Health reasons, mostly. My teeth were starting to go yellow and I often wake myself up at night with my smoker's cough. It also didn't help that I was paying fifteen dollars for a tiny packet every couple of days." He winked at me. "There are better things to spend money on. Like heating."

And when he mentions it, I realize that I'm freezing.

"Come inside and get warm. Your face is blue." I tease, and Riku nods, mumbling something about being out here for a while. He follows me closely as I turn and re-enter the house.

To be honest, until we walked into the kitchen I'd forgotten that my parents used to hate Riku with a passion. For some reason, that important detail just totally slipped my mind. But just as I start to freak out, the four people in the kitchen grin at us, and Mum clicks her tongue in amusement.

"Hello, Riku. Good grief, you two are blue. Come and stand over by the heater."

I glance questioningly at Axel, who just winks at me. And it suddenly strikes me that he must have talked Mum and Dad into this - ever since they took Axel in a year ago he's become like their third son, and since Riku helped save his life I guess they were forced to admit that he wasn't a _total_ prick.

I grin at my friend. He sure isn't afraid to step into my life.

And then it hits me, and my grin widens. My life.

I tug my slightly damp jacket off as Riku does the same. These five people around me – my parents, my brother, my best friend and now my potential boyfriend – These are the five people I live for. Mum fusses over my jacket while Dad chats quietly with Axel. Cloud is helping himself to his third slice of cake. Riku folds his jacket neatly over a chair. My entire world rests comfortably in this one room. I rest my head on Riku's shoulder and feel tranquil for the first time in a year as we stand directly in front of the heater. Riku's arm snakes around my shoulders and pulls me close, and though I'm not supposed to like it as much as I do I can't wipe this idiotic grin off my face. I must look pretty stupid.

And you know what? I don't fuckin' care.

-x-

**Author's Encore:**** Alright, it finally happened; I just can't drag this shit out any longer. It's all over, guys. –sniffle- This has been one crazy ride. I love you, funny people! (Honestly, how many of you expected me to actually go through with the second epilogue? Got ya, fuzzmuckers!)**

**BIG thank you to my good buddy Kiaxian (Into Insanity) for looking over this chapter for me and pointing out all the dumb little mistakes I'd made. This woman is insanely talented I tell you. I was also kind of stuck on the final scene and she had some pretty amazing suggestions, so we should all thank her for pointing a gun to my head and making this sunshine rainbows ending possible and plausible. :D**

**And once again, thank you so much for reading this far! Snaps for reviews, read my other brain farts, ride a unicorn and pay a visit to the endlessly good-looking Kia over at kiaxian(dot)deviantart(dot)com. Have a magical day!**


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